A letter to your abuser/s

[PaleMoon]

Dear hospital staff,

I'm free. I'm finally free. That part of my life is over, no thanks to you guys. I've been off all medication for two years now. I have no psychosis, I'm not depressed, I'm not "borderline." I was just a very traumatized person who needed someone to listen. I have nightmares and flashbacks about your "treatment," but hey, you guys were only trying to help, right?

I feel safer now than I ever did in that "safe" environment. And guess what? I'm a medical assistant now, registered and everything. And one day I'm going to nursing school. I was never "mentally ill" in the ways you thought. I was not dramatic, attention-seeking, or faking. I was very sick, and not well taken care of by those who were supposed to help me. Nice try trying to convince me otherwise, though. It almost worked.

But I'm done. I'm free. And there's nothing you can do about it. You are just a bunch of people who hurt me, nothing more. Have a good life. I'll be over here having an awesome life.

--Matt

[sapphire hearts]

G.

I have spent years hiding from what you did. Sixteen years, to be exact. Layers of conscious and subconscious repression and dissociation and every defence mechanism I could lay my little hands on. I remember now. I'm too numb right now to know how I'll feel. But maybe for once I'll be angry at someone other than myself. I hope that I can be furious. Because this time it's hard to blame myself. I was five years old. You were a grown man. You used me and made me believe I was only fit to be used. You were the first step in this road to my own personal hell. And I hope that, when - if - I begin to feel again, I can hate someone other than myself for a change.

[DarkSecrets]

***triggering contains SA and SI***

Why? Why? why? i didnt want to be your 'special girl', i didnt want to be so scared. i didnt want you to touch me. i didnt want to feel fear every time you walked into the house, i didnt want to kiss you goodnight, as mum said to. i didnt want the pain, i didnt want the secret, i didnt want the constant 'mind ****' of the emotional games you played, i dont want the smell of you on me. or the feel of your rough callused hands on my skin. i was 7 years old and you? you were suppose to be my dad. i wish you were dead, or i was. that way i dont ever have to see you again because it gives me serious flashbacks and makes me want/need to cut so badly. even though the years of SA have now long stopped, in my mind it is still as clear as this very first time you did it. you ****ed up my life so badly dad. Why?..............

[MyPorcelainLife]

**** - How could you?? I was SIX! I TRUSTED you and so did my family! My one regret is that I never had the courage to face you when you were alive.

Mom, Dad - I know you did the best you could. Despite all the hurt and the damage and the fear, I forgive you. I know you didn't mean to do that to me on purpose.

[HealingAngel]

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Really long... 4 letters.

P,

You were supposed to be my best friend. Lift me up when I was done. Be there for me. But instead you just dragged me down, down, down into the dark dismal world you lived in. You taught me pain and cruelty. How to be cruel. We verbally abused so many other kids at out school... I can only hope that they aren't as ****ed up as I am now... You turned me into someone I'm not. You came to my school and were made fun of by my best friends so I DROPPED them and chose you. I wanted to protect you. Befriend you. Save you from the cruelty of bullying by standing by your side against the people I had called once called best friends... I was truly happy in 5th grade. I was beyond happy. I was innocent. Joyful. Giggly. A child. You broke down every shred of confidence. You turned ME into the bully. You made me so depressed. So suicidal. You made me skip school just to avoid the pain. You broke me down. Introduced me to sorrow. To insecurity. I am so self-conscious now and your voice criticizing me still rings true in my mind when I look into the mirror... How could you do this? I want to forgive you. Sometimes I think I do... But it still hurts so bad!

M,

You were supposed to be my best friend too. You were supposed to promise happiness. After 6th grade past all I wanted was to be popular because you all were so nice to me and you all looked so happy. You were queen bee and I was happy to be one of your plastic followers, second in command. I wanted to be happy. Wear bright colors like you guys did. I wanted to smile and laugh and learn how to be beautiful. I wanted to belong in a group and truly be accepted... How wrong could I have been...? I was so wrong. You guys are nothing like that. You're nice to girls with potential and guys who are dateable but you treat everyone else like ****. You're bullies too. How could I be so stupid... But the people you're cruelest to turned out to be you're so called "friends". You're little passive aggressive comments... You're ugly, painful jabs. "Ew, are you really eating that?" Yeah. I eat. So ****ing what. SOME people in this world actually DO eat. Unlike you. But guess what? You're voices have finally made and impact and I don't anymore. If I do I know how to cleanse my system... Thanks for the motivation girls. You're great. Love you too. </3 M, comparing you're legs to mine... You're arms to mine, your wrists, stomach, knees, eyelashes, eyes, hair, boobs, every-****ing-thing. Yeah, you win. I GET it. But I'm catching up. Becoming more and more beautiful. I'm going to be beautiful one day like you too. My boyfriend who loves me very very very very much and wants to marry me one day used to be a target of our group, but I never took part in your cruel games. Never. And he doesn't remember our group. Just remembers pain. Cruelty. I never hurt him, I only wanted to get closer to his mysterious nature before we even knew each other. But I wouldn't DARE in front of you all. It would put him in serious danger. Me as well. I'm just glad I was able to move to another school. I'm just grateful it happened to be the same exact school HE had moved to a few months prior... The joy of knowing I had another chance to get to know his sweet, tortured soul overjoyed me... He's the only reason I eat at all now. Ironic, isn't it?

A,

You turned out to be my true best friend in 7th grade, the same year M pretended to be. Maybe you're not an abuser, but you hurt me too. All of your flirting. I was afraid to be in any relationship because of the strong hold the plastics had on me. The emotional abuse I endured was unbearable and you... well you were a "nerd". A cute one, but still unacceptable... Apparently I was wrong about that. M guessed (correctly) that I was seriously falling for you. Seriously considering taking a leap and dating you. I remember it so clearly. She came to school wearing a mini denim skirt. Two tank tops, a hot pink one underneath a light blue one, clung tightly to her starved, gorgeous body. She wore a small denim jacket over it. She had her nails done to perfection. He blond, perfect hair was up high in a perfect, layers, gorgeous pony tail. Her long legs waked her in and she sat next to you. I said in front of you.... And you forgot about me... looked at her perfection as she batted her eyelashes at you, drenched and drowning in globs of gorgeous mascara and dark, beautiful eyeliner. She was perfection. I knew she was. And you just.. you just.. forgot about me. How could you! </3 She didn't even LIKE YOU!!! But she batted those gorgeous eyelashes at you and she had you. Shed her jacket to expose more of her perfection. Leaned over and giggled at your jokes... Oh god.. You have no idea how many times I stood up for you A... She didn't even like you... You asked her out within a weak and she said yes. I spent the next six months playing relationship counselor for you two who both could barely stand each other because THAT is what a best friend should do and you were both my best friends... You shared you're first kiss with her yet she wouldn't even hug you in public for months... Wouldn't even defend you when people made jokes about her being taller and you needing a step stool... When she started flirting with other guys I couldn't stand it. I stood up for you and I was literally outcasted from the group. I was isolated. I was emotionally abused to the point it was barely bearable but I stood strong and pointed out EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. SHE. DID. IT..... for YOU. because *I* cared about you more than she ever could... She once had two guys walk her to class, giggling and flirting and throwing herself at them... I made a a scene and had a loud conversation with her about how she has a boyfriend and is flirting with TWO guys. But the other people in our group defending her. Isolated me more. and more. and more. I sat alone near the end... but it made me stronger. It made me stronger... I stood strong for you even though you dropped me for physical perfection... Well, you became popular though. Congrats. I just want you to know though, I never wavered in my loyalty to you. Even when I wanted M to dump your ass. Even when I wanted to let you dump M. Even when M treated you like **** and protecting you meant throwing myself in front of her bullets to your chest... I stood by you without wavering... If I hadn't moved away at the exact time I did, I may have ended up taking a lethal bullet to my own chest... But my mother saved me by accepting my request to move away to a DIFFERENT district... Where I met the man I was truly meant to love. Someone you STILL to this day cruelly call a furry and an emo and say is going to hell. You and your ridiculous Christian beliefs are flawed. He is more heavenly and pure than even he believes. People like you have done irreparable harm to his soul, but I will slowly mend it with years of love. He will mend mine as well... Slowly but surely... We will get through the trauma together... Thank you for teaching me what love is not...

Max,

You have hurt me more than I could ever imagine in the past, but I can't stop loving you. I can't stop believing we are meant to be together... Please stay by my side. Let's help each other heal... Open up like I've never been able to open up to anyone else in my entire life... Let's grow old together... <3

I think it's funny that I had the most to write to my one "non-abuser"...

[Bellatrix]

I have several letters I'd like to write. This is but one.

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D,

You know, I thought you'd forgotten. I thought that stroke you had wiped your memory. I thought you were a disgusting lucky bastard for getting to forget what you did to me. It made me angry, but at least I knew.

Now I find you didn't. The stroke ruined your speech, not your memory. Still sharp as ever. You still know what you did. And you still haven't apologised or said anything to S or my dad about it, not even to show remorse. Do you? That day, I came downstairs and you said, 'nothing happened last night, did it?' and I still don't know if that was a question or a threat.

I still have those white scars on my arm. I don't remember doing them but I know I did it when I hid in the bathroom from you - too scared to come out.

I hope you suffer. I hope your death is long and painful. That probably makes me a bad person but I don't care.

I refuse to ever have you back in my life and I damn well refuse to attend your funeral.

I'm done.

[Squid]

Mother, father, brother,
Mother
There was no need, I never did anything wrong. Yet you still felt it was your job to punish me. In the end I started to believe all the things you told me I was. I still do. I don't hate you, I never did. If anything I feel sorry for you.

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There was no reason for you to stab me or beat me or break my bones, call me names and hurt me like you did. When I was sixteen, you hit me so hard with a bat that I had to relearn how to read and write. I still have problems to this day.

Father
When I was 10 you did unspeakable things, that I can't forgive.

Brother
You were golden boy, you could do no wrong. When they told you to hurt me you did. But what confuses me is that when you were away from them you showed real compassion and love towards me.

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you would sneak me food when they didn't feed me. You would help me get to school when I was in so much pain

so why treat me nice and then hurt me like you did.

You never wanted a daughter, let alone one with disabilities. The memories are still with me. I have flashbacks and nightmares still to this day.

Why did this have to be like this?...
Nat

[Squid]

Bullys

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Graphic

The one place that I should have felt safe was at school. It wasn't to be tho was it? You werent to know the reason my clothes were filthy was caus of my parents or why I was different, which was down to the autism. It didn't stop you tho. On the way to school you would throw eggs or other food items at me. You would call me names and trip me up. You woud hurt me physically, emotionally and mentally. You would steal what little stuff I had. The teachers would buy me food at lunch, otherwise I wouldn't eat. You would wait till they're backs were turned and you would take my food

I can't understand why anyone would want to hurt another human.
Nat

[high.hopes]

I'm not sure I'll ever understand a normal relationship, have normal sex, or even accept that people don't just want to use and hurt me. Most other things, I'm learning to deal with, but this feels like its been imbedded in my skin with the scars you made.

[[Luna]]

Why did you tell V? Is it because you felt remorse? or because you just wanted to clear your guilty conscience?
When you saw me it didn't look like you felt a shred of remorse, you looked smug. I didn't hate you before, I was actually making up excuses for you and talking about forgiveness. I don't forgive you. I'm haunted constantly at the moment by that night and somehow that just doesn't seem fair.

I hate what you've done to me.

[Tig]

You won, okay? You won.

[Swimmercurls]

All of you. Every single one of you. You snickered. You whispered and pointed. And at what? I still haven't figured it out. YEARS later and I can't figure it out. Where is the joy in making a 10yo hate herself? Did it make you happy, to see me come in to school, eyes already red and wet from begging to stay home? To watch me run to my mother's car after school, hoping and praying that the school would blow up in the next 10 hours? Hopefully with you inside it?
You take away everything from me. I was so goddamn happy. I was new, wondering how many new friends I'd have. First year, 5. Second year, 3. Last year, by the end it was me and the obese girl who told me what her cats told her last night. My two best friends would barely talk to me at school.
You caused me so much pain. You laughed in my face when I was terrified!! No concern, just amusement on my classmates faces, as I laid my head on the desk, tears leaking, after having passed out in the middle of language arts. And years later, you say, "We thought you died. Too bad you didn't."

And Daddy. Afterwards, still with snot running out if my nose and dizzily walking without help to your car, you accused me of faking. God, that was terrible.
And the first time you saw the cuts, you didn't ask why. You said, "Why." but you didn't mean it. You just wanted me to feel ashamed of myself. Like that could change me.
You thought that SHAME and PUNISHMENT were the best solutions to your daughter hating herself enough to cleave open her skin and bleed. That helps so much, yeah? Honestly, you didn't even care if I got better! You just wanted me to look and act normal so that you didn't have me in your perfect picture, ****ing things up. I am so sorry. Since the moment I first felt your sting of disapproval, which was at far too young, I wished I could be better. Sorry I didn't fit your standard. Sorry.

I am so freaking sorry I couldn't fit anyone's standard. Hopefully I won't disappoint you for too much longer.

[MissMisa]

Dear whoever you are.
I've spent years blocking out what you did to me. And what little I did remembered, I made excuses and refused to acknowledge it. It was my own fault for being a disgusting child. Memories of pain, I didn't think about. Blacked out chunks from my childhood? No big deal. Everyone must be like that. I spent years lying to myself.
But it was ok because I convinced myself I was just like this. Messed up. An anxious person. Refusing to trust. Terrified of men. Self destructive. Depressed. Different. Everything. The list goes on too long. But I'm not. You made me this. I'm a product of your abuse. I live my life, everyday, being what you made me.

I've spent my whole life trying not to be special

But now the memories are coming back. I can't hide from it anymore. I'm tired of being nothing. I need to heal and move forward.
Every time you get close to me, in my memory, I close my eyes tightly. Blocking out your face. Me and young me. We close our eyes together so you aren't real. So we don't have to see you. Your shape. Your hands near me. I see. But once I realize whats going to happen, again, I squeeze my eyes shut. Just like I did years ago. So I don't have to look upon you. So that I may hide from what you will do. So it won't be real. I feel your face, your skin. I smell you. Us. I hear your footsteps. But I don't have to see you. Didn't.
So I still don't know who you are. Don't want to.

I'm ranting.
My point;

Whoever you are. I'd like to believe you were hurt too. Before you hurt me. And maybe, hopefully, feel remorse. I can forgive this person I hope you are. I can forgive you for damaging me. For ruining who I might have been.

I can't accept who you may be. I'm terrified to know your identity.

I don't want your reasons. I don't want you to understand how much you hurt me. Hell, I don't even want you to pay for what you did. I don't want to know who you are.

I just want to move on. And I want to stop letting you control me.

[rubies]

What did I do?
How could you destroy me? You could have had anything you wanted from me, willingly, but you didn't even try. You didn't acknowledge my fighting and screaming. You just dragged it out. And now it's 2.5 years later and I am struggling to hold it together. And you do not even think of me, do you? It was a game that I lost. You almost killed me, and I tried to kill myself. There are so many things I want to call you and say to you, but what's the point when none will sum it up? I wish I'd sent you to jail. I wish I got some justice, closure, safety. You scared me. You're a monster. You're a psychopath. What hurts most is that YOU KNEW I LOVED YOU and YOU LIED TO ME THE WHOLE TIME.
There is so much I want to say to you. But I can sum it up like this:
What did I do? How could you do it while I was fighting for my life? WHAT DID I DO?

[high.hopes]

It might not last forever but right now, I still hate you for what you did, and the thought makes me sick, but I am so ****ing grateful for the lessons it's taught me and the strength it gave me.


I hope one day, you get punished for taking something you're not worth!