It is hard work, I can see. Anxiety is not fun and you're going through a big change with some uncertainties so of course you're anxious. Did you play the piano yesterday at all? Is that helpful a bit? Sorry your evening wasn't great but I'm glad you managed to reach out to people and use your medication. You're doing this. You can do it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you so much. It is so helpful that someone gets it. I worry so much that I'm being really ridiculous, but you have completely validated how I'm feeling. :)
I did play the piano a bit yesterday. It's been a long time, so I'm getting used to it again. It's good to focus me. I spent some PIP on a shiatsu back massager, so have been using that to relieve some of the tension in my shoulders. I am so uptight.
I took half a.diazepam tonight. Psychiatrist has given me plenty, but I feel odd taking them, so try for the lowest dose possible that works. It's helped a bit and I am tired. Breathe. Just breathe.
I'm upping the dose every 7 days for two more weeks, so I've got at least a month of this ahead. CC has said she'll see me weekly during the transition. I'm seeing her tomorrow. I usually feel really awkward about appointments and don't feel I need them, but I could really do with a chat at the moment. It feels really needy and pathetic.
I'm in a good position for this to be ok. Still scared though. I am a stuck record.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I had an OK day, but I'm really struggling this evening.
My computer broke, so I had a panic about that. Cried for ages before I got my sensible head on and messaged my stepsister, who helped me to fix it. She is a genius and works in computing, so knew exactly what to do. It doesn't seems to take much to set me off at the moment. It's horrible.
I have work tomorrow and I'm so, so anxious about it. I have messaged my manager to tell her that I'm a bit up and down and tearful, and she said they understand and that I can take extra breaks if I need to. We're going to be so short staffed for the next four or five weeks, and I am so stressed about it. We're super busy as it is, so being one person down is going to be a nightmare. Then even when the new person replacing the person who's left starts, she's going to need training before she can do most things (she's a qualified tech, but currently works in community pharmacy and it's massively different to what we do in the hospital.) It's just not great timing when I feel like I'm about to tall apart.
Ugh. I just want to sleep until the medication situation has settled down and things are back to normal (if the medication works well and they ever get back to normal.) :(
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Work was very busy. It was OK though. I cried a bit, but my colleagues were kind and my Mum met me for lunch and we went for a walk, so that was nice.
I'm feeling so, so unsettled. I'm not being mad or anything; I just feel all out of sorts. I got home today and I'd had a pension statement through the post. My first thought was "I'll just throw it in the bin; I'm not going to live to see my pension", which is not like me at all. I'm not suicidal, but even just the thoughts are quite out of character. Bleh. I just want it to settle down, but I'm only a week in and am still on full dose of amisulpride. On Saturday, I step up the aripiprazole to 15mg and go down with the amisulpride. I just don't want it.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I go from almost falling apart because I'm scared of being a complete lunatic again, to feeling quite upbeat and thinking that it's OK because this is only temporary and in four to six weeks things will be back to stable again (according to psych and MH pharmacist).
I'm trying so, so, so hard to keep at the front of my mind the fact that this is medication related. I repeat it to myself and I get reassurance from other people and I start to feel quite positive again. Then I'll disregard all of the opinions from the professionals I trust, and turn into a crying, shaky mess because I just can't cope. Except I can, can't I? I've certainly been in much worse states and I'm not dead yet.
At work I was trying so hard to be my normal, bubbly, happy self, and everyone said I did really well, but I just could not control myself. I could not stop myself from crying about the most ridiculous of things. People being nice set me off. Patients being demanding set me off. We had so, so much to do today and I felt so overwhelmed. The morning especially was hard and I had to step out because the room was spinning and I thought I was going to faint. What a fool.
I should be asleep. I've been in bed since before 9pm. I've got this stupid, annoying need for almost constant reassurance. Tell me it'll be OK?
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
It will be ok! Most definitely. I have no advice but I am good at reassurance. You'll be absolutely fine. Just got to ride it out for the time being. =)
It will be okay. You're doing so well. It's totally understandable to be anxious but I think recognising that you have a much broader range of coping strategies now means this could be a much easier experience than it was 7 years ago :)
Do you think you could write yourself a little card, maybe, with these reassurances on? Just making yourself a little business card sized thing you can keep in your purse with some statements on that help. Maybe ones from this thread or things your mum/psychiatrist/colleagues have said that help to ease things. Then you can get it out and read it/hold it if you feel stressed. I don't know if that would help but sometimes making sure we have the information readily available makes it easier :)
I'm also sure it will be ok. You're having a big torrent of emotions and I'd hope that with time they will calm down. It's easy to feel overwhelmed and pessimistic when you have so much going on inside you. I think writing down some reassuring statements and keeping them in a place you can easily access them is a good idea. How are you doing today?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think writing a little card out is a really good idea, Ali. Thanks. I'll do that. I have post its on my walls in the flat, but having something for when I'm not at home would be beneficial, I reckon.
I'm so tired. I have not been sleeping at all well. I went up to 15mg of aripiprazole (which caused insomnia last time I took it) and down to 200mg of amisulpride (which used to make me sleepy). I was up until gone 2am last night and woke up at 6:30am. I feel so jittery. I don't know whether it's acceptable to take diazepam or not, as I'm not unsafe or anything - I just feel like I could climb the walls.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
If diazepam may ease things for you I think it's reasonable to take it. Maybe try a small dose and see how you get on. Is there anything else you can think of doing that might relax you a bit?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think it’s perfectly reasonble to take a diazepam to help with the jitteriness. I was prescribed some for just that when I started aripiprazole. This is stressful enough for you without the physical discomfort as well! Thinking of hou :)
Thank you so much. I took some. I've got two strengths and I took the higher one. I think I feel a bit better. I'm tired, but I'm anxious. I saw my Nan today and my sister. I'm going out for lunch with a friend tomorrow. I'm really trying to carry on as normal, but it is such hard work. I've tried to remove any expectations other that the basics of hygiene and nutrition and fluid and contact with friends and family to let them know I'm OK occasionally. I'm really trying, but it's incredibly hard work. I'm tired and scared it's just going to get worse.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I’m glad you’ve taken some. I hope that’s it helping.
I think it’s actually a positive thing that you’re acknowledging it’s hard work because that’s how it is right now and we can all let you know how normal that is from time to time, given the anxieties you’re facing! It sounds like you have good strategies in place and you are being quite self compassionate. Keep with the routines and self care and please keep talking. You’ll get through this period and hopefully it will be a lot easier than last time. You clearly have a lot of good skills for managing things. Just keep reaching out.
I do have a lot of things that I've learnt over the years that I can use to help with what's going on at the moment. I'm trying really hard to manage this. I just wish it felt like it was working.
I'm so, so tired. Sleep was a car crash again last night. I felt jittery until really late and then I woke up really early and couldn't get back to sleep again. It's not sustainable. I don't know what to do. Mum said I look exhausted and she's worried the lack of sleep will make me unwell. She said right now she can try and help me, but when I'm really unwell she has to had me over to the professionals. I'm seeing my CC tomorrow morning. Perhaps she'll have some ideas.
A memory popped up on my Facebook today. It's been eight years since I was released from a two month stay in hospital, including time in a HDU after being sectioned in my Mum's house (where I was living at the time) and dragged out of it by the police. That's when I last started the aripiprazole, so I guess if it can get me out of that mess then maybe eventually it'll be OK. They only took me off it because I stopped taking it, ended up detained again and they decided that olanzapine was a better option.
I just need to sleep.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Can you do anything relaxing and have some chill out time? Even if you don't sleep your still be resting but I definitely feel like if your sleep carries on being non existent that maybe talking to your cc about it would be a good idea?
If it got you through that before and you came out the other side. You can do this.
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
I think that talking to your CC or someone else on your team seems like the best thing you can do at the moment. They might suggest something hepful. Wish I had better advice, but I don't think I can think of anything you haven't tried so far, so I just hope you'll get some rest soon.
It seems like you've been through an awful lot, but made some amazing progress over the years, and I hope you can acknowledge that. If you got through all the difficult things before, you sure can get through this little bump now, because it seems like you're a real winner. It will all be okay, maybe not right now, but eventually it will.
A close friend of my Mum's died just under an hour ago. I feel so bad. I'm terribly sad for my Mum. I feel incredibly guilty that I am complaining about lost sleep and there are two teenagers who lost their Mum less that 60 minutes ago.
Mum popped in to drop something off and hugged me and said "I just need you to get some sleep." I held it together until she left, but am now in flood of tears. I shouldn't be worrying her. I know she's scared of the lack of sleep making me unwell. So am I. I just don't know what to do.
I saw CC this morning and she's going to talk to psychiatrist and see what he says. She was hoping to to it today, but she did say it might be tomorrow, so hopefully she'll phone me at some point. I feel sick where I'm so tired. Was retching earlier, as gross as that is. Ugh. I've got lavender going in my diffuser. At least it smells nice, even if it doesn't help me sleep.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
