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Old 03-01-2015, 11:51 PM   #1
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Need to be the best/worst

How do you get around or over the issue of needing to be the 'best' (or worst) self harmer you know? I hate that I self harm but I havent been recently and this need to be the best self harmer and do the most damage is creeping up on me steadily. I dont even know why as I HATE the scars, the wounds, the pain and its not like I really ever get anything seen to anymore so I cant be craving the care. I dunno. Anyone have any thoughts.



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Old 04-01-2015, 12:09 AM   #2
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I think you've had quite a lot of intervention for your self-harm, so this might not be applicable and I hope this makes sense.

I think for me, I would be so reluctant to need medical help, that keeps me in line - because I don't think I could tolerate someone else looking after things, and touching me, so it has to be able to be treated at home. I imagine that isn't helpful for some people, but I think it could be for some - knowing that the limit for self harm is the limit of what you can take care of yourself. This is more about harm-minimisation than stopping altogether but harm minimisation can be a good stepping stone in recovery.



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Old 04-01-2015, 12:17 AM   #3
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That does make sense yes thank you. But needing it to be treatable at home wont and hasnt stopped me I dont get that I must limit it feeling. Im sorry Im really not explaining this well.



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Old 04-01-2015, 12:21 AM   #4
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Again, this might not be applicable to you, but I find setting limits really helpful - before I self harm I usually plan out exactly what I am going to do, or else I might limit it by time or size - placing personal limits on it. Are you ever able to stop yourself once you've started?



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Old 04-01-2015, 12:25 AM   #5
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I have been able to occasionally. But the ways in which I am wanting to self harm are usually like a you cant limit the damage sort of thing.



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Old 04-01-2015, 02:32 PM   #6
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In the past you have pretty much achieved the title of Worst Self Harmer (I'm wary of giving examples in case it's seen as glamourising but I'm sure you know all the things I mean). You have nearly died so many times and realistically if you did any worse self harm you would die and it's a bloody miracle that that hasn't happened already really.

So you either start the whole cycle again and do ALL the things and at the end of it find yourself in the same position- pissed off at the scars and the pain and the fact that you still don't feel like you're the best at self harm (because there will ALWAYS be something you feel you could do to inflict more damage), or you can acknowledge that you pretty much nailed "Worst Self Harmer" already and aim for the follow up award "Best Come-back From Multiple Near-Buffet Incidents". Which is a significantly better award to pop on the CV, I'd say.

I know it's not as simple as just logic-ing your way out of it, and I imagine there'll probably always be a niggling thought of how you could have gone just that one step further, but I imagine that gets less over time as you step further and further away from getting sucked up in the impossible mission to do the worst self harm.


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Old 04-01-2015, 03:56 PM   #7
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I like the idea of instead focusing on being good at recovery and not self harming. You are right that thats a much better thing to focus on. I think you are also right that theres a niggling thought that I could have gone further and be better at it. I dunno I just feel like I need to be the best whatever that means even though I can see what everyone is saying is true or at least logical.



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Old 04-01-2015, 11:25 PM   #8
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Self-harm isn't something one gets a gold star for for being 'the best.' All self-harm is serious because it's the reasons behind it. I am sick of people who make self-injury seem like a competition. Glamorizing it rather than viewing it as a problem.

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Old 04-01-2015, 11:31 PM   #9
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That's not what she's doing...




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Old 05-01-2015, 08:24 AM   #10
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I wish I could say more than what has already been said, but I feel that Pi.R^2 has it on point. Idk the extent of your methods but I've been through that thought phase where I thought I was just scratching and doing baby stuff BUT let's be honest... the ultimate "way" to get that "best" satisfaction will put you very close to ending it all that it's downright scary. The point isn't to off yourself, but to LIVE. I just wish I had more to say to help you but I just don't know what else that hasn't been said.

Keep your head up, think positive thoughts, try to be the best at that. The battle to recovery is a lot tougher than the battle to harm and well, you should strive to be the best recovery story yet... you should want people to look up to you as someone that beat this fight and we here would love to see you be one of the best in being able to beat sh.

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Self-harm isn't something one gets a gold star for for being 'the best.' All self-harm is serious because it's the reasons behind it. I am sick of people who make self-injury seem like a competition. Glamorizing it rather than viewing it as a problem.
The issue here isn't glamorizing, but an inner argument about the situation. Sure it comes off that the o.p. wants a "gold star" or "best sh ever" award but that's not what the o.p. wants. But even so, that voice in the back of the o.p.'s head is making it feel like what the o.p. does is childs play. It's not about showing it off, but it's the stupid self argument about that what we did wasn't enough and we need to do it better.

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Old 05-01-2015, 05:55 PM   #11
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Its not an issue I raise much with support as Im worried they will think like celtic roots does that Im wanting praise or an award or whatever. I'm not silly I KNOW what I have done and the consequences tbf have been near fatal but Id never encourage anyone to do similar nor do I see it as glamorising it to talk openly about something Im struggling with. All self harm is bad but some are more life threatening than others and thats just the way it is.

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Originally Posted by Lone Star View Post
The issue here isn't glamorizing, but an inner argument about the situation. Sure it comes off that the o.p. wants a "gold star" or "best sh ever" award but that's not what the o.p. wants. But even so, that voice in the back of the o.p.'s head is making it feel like what the o.p. does is childs play. It's not about showing it off, but it's the stupid self argument about that what we did wasn't enough and we need to do it better.
This says it a lot better than me but dont for one minute think Im trying to glamorize the situation. Theres nothing pretty about the life decisions Ive made and Im actually trying to speak out before it gets to that silly point again. I would always encourage everyone to speak out about any problem they are having regarding self harm as surely the silence makes the issue worse whatever the issue is.

Ok sorry if thats rant ish


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Old 05-01-2015, 06:10 PM   #12
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Im sorry I think you might have to actually know me to kow what I mean. Anyway just know Im not trying to glamourise anything as potentially life damaging as self harm.



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Old 05-01-2015, 06:21 PM   #13
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I'd finally feel satisfied like I'd done 'enough' and could stop harming now.



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Old 05-01-2015, 06:26 PM   #14
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I think you're right about how it's obvious you would never glamourize self harm for people who know you.

I like the idea of trying to shift the focus on being the best at recovery. Is there any way in which we could help you to make some positive steps towards that?



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Old 05-01-2015, 06:38 PM   #15
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Ta Lana, I think its more me like I need to work on making my life better so theres more to recovery than just not harming- so its more positives and new and better experiences like replacing the bad events with better things. As at the moments its like theres just a hole where self harm used to be.

Dash, It would mean that I'd been the best and could finally stop. Though I fear doing enough would mean I died. That people could see how much I was hurting or had been hurting to do something like that and understood that I wasnt just magically better now. Im not explaininbg this well. There was a reason I stopped using this forum im ***** with words.



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Old 05-01-2015, 06:57 PM   #16
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I think you're on the mark there Dash. But then Im not exactly heard when I do it either.



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Old 05-01-2015, 07:05 PM   #17
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By friends yes, sometimes but not always professionals especially medical people who I most wanted to hear really. Things are better now but I cant shake wanting them to hear/ know etc.



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Old 05-01-2015, 07:50 PM   #18
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I want an apology really from certain proffessionals but that wont happen so I want to harm badly enough to prove to them I am ill and not in control of my actions sometimes to prove I am good enough.

Sorry



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Old 05-01-2015, 08:57 PM   #19
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Good enough so that they cant ignore me.



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Old 05-01-2015, 09:20 PM   #20
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Well they didnt much listen when a formal complaint was made about them either so I doubt a letter from me will make much difference but I suppose I could show them just as well by being the 'best' recovery person I can be.



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