Sometime in August will mark two entire years since I last cut. It was like, can I get through September? Okay, I did it, I don’t really want to do October but can I? And after a few months it got easier. But it often seems like I have bad seasons and I’m not exactly going through one at the moment, but I do often think about cutting. Honestly, I know I have the willpower not to do it... but the truth is I WANT to, there’s just something that says don’t do it. I don’t need distractions or anything, I just wish I could stop craving it. I’m kinda funny about dates so I’m pretty sure I won’t cut (if I ever do anyway) until after my birthday in August because I would want to make it to two years and go through 14 and 15 without self harm... doesn’t make much sense, but I don’t anyway :P
When I “stopped” (it’s weird to say I stopped when I feel like I could relapse at any time? Like it’s never over?) I didnt think I would ever make it, and the more time passes the more I just want to give up. It doesn’t make any sense, but I’m just like... being a former cutter doesn’t make sense to me for some reason. Even though it’s been two years, I still feel like a cutter deep down. And I feel like I’ll always feel like that, and the older I get I feel kinda lame about it. I know it’s not childish in the least, but it feels childish for some reason. (For me personally, I’m not calling anyone childish for self harm at any age, I don’t really think it is but my mind works weird XD) and you would think it being childish would make me want to stay away from it, but it makes me want to do it more? I don’t know...
I drew a butterfly (The Butterfly Project) on me tonight, no name, just cause...
In other news, I can’t believe it’s been two years?!?! That’s a really long time. Like what even XD