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Old 14-05-2014, 04:21 PM   #1
Emmiebird
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Contains ED - I want to share my success story.

I do apologize, but this is kind of long. I have yet to figure out where and why my eating disorder began. If you figure it out or might think you know, please help me lol


When I was in elementary school, I remember specific, odd things. For example, I remember sitting on a large rock that sat near the playground. My mother was taking a picture of me, and I remember just thinking and feeling how fat I was. So, I distinctly remember holding in my stomach and sitting up straight, trying to conceal my large stomach. Another thing I remember is going through the lunch line and choosing some food. Of course, the food was pre-packaged, and I just remember taking a big slab of real butter from the condiments section and putting it on my tray. When I sat down, one of my classmates commented on the amount of butter I had on my tray, as I was spreading it on my bun. She said, “Be careful. If you eat too much [of certain food] it will make you sick.” I remember being upset about that comment.

I remember getting hives in elementary school on a day that the school was hosting the Superintendent Sunday, where the Superintendent and teacher would buy gallons of ice cream and dump them in a kiddie pool. Then, they would top it with chocolate syrup, sprinkles and other delicious ice cream condiments. I had to go home because of my hives, and I was disappointed that I was going to miss the ice cream. One year, when I didn’t miss it, they gave me a scoop of it, and I downed it pretty fast. I had wished that they had given me more ice cream, as I was not satisfied.

There were other things in elementary school that I had trouble with. Around the age of 7, we went to my grandmother’s cottage. We all drank the water, but my mother did not; she drank coffee and tea instead. The rest of us ended up getting really sick, all of us vomiting. I got sick at my grandmother’s house, and after that episode I did not sleep over at her house for a long, long time. I was afraid of getting sick again. My parents took me to doctors, as after that episode (my mother remembers) I started having a lot of stomach issues. My mother said that I would constantly be hugging the toilet, afraid that I was going to throw up.

One day, we went to the local community pool after I had gotten sick. I don’t remember throwing up or having that stomach flu, but I thought I was able to handle some ice cream. So, she bought me an ice cream cone, I ate it, and when we got home started feeling sick. I cried out to my mother, “I don’t feel good. I’m going to get sick!” She told me I was fine, but a few moments later I ended up throwing up again.

After having trouble with my stomach throughout elementary school and middle school, I became a very quite child. I only had a couple of friends that I really talked to. I had previously been friends with some of the more popular kids, but that seemed to end once I became quiet.

Come eighth grade, I was still quite. When that school year needed, my sister ended up getting the stomach flu really badly. I remember I was watching the Disney movie Mulan at the time she was ill. I jolted out of the house and rode my bike to the top of the hill. I was so paranoid about catching it, that I didn’t use that bathroom for a couple of days. Unfortunately, I came down with the same sickness. She was sick on a Friday, and I got sick Sunday night, right after our weekly Sunday evening dinner with my grandmother. I had stomach cramps, really bad ones. I got the garbage can from the bathroom, emptied it and sat in the living room chair, hugging the garbage can. Soon enough, I got sick. I threw up several times. It was really traumatic for me, and I even recall the exact time that I got sick: around 7:00 P.M.

After getting sick like that, I was so afraid of getting sick again that I stopped eating. I guess my mind was thinking that, if I do not eat, then there will be nothing to throw up. So, I continued with that, and I developed a phobia of throwing up. I looked it up, and it is called Emetophobia. It came in waves. At one point, it was about 6-8 times a day that I would get so scared of getting sick, that I would shake all over.

So, I did not eat for 3 months. My parents were very worried about me. Plus, I was always sick to my stomach (probably from not eating), and I ended up developing pain in my back. They to me to a gastroenterologist, and we found out that my gallbladder was only 9% functioning. Then, I underwent surgery and had it removed.

The doctors didn’t tell me that I would be extremely nauseas after the surgery. Again, I was hugging the toilet. After the surgery, it took about 2 months to make me start eating fully. However, fully turned into eating a small amount a day. I had lost a lot of weight during all of this, and I wanted to keep the weight off. I was very excited about losing all of that weight. So, I ate very little. I started exercising to torch more calories. I started craving sweets, as I love my sweets. It was around Christmas time. My mother would bake dozens and dozens of different cookies. I remember the first time I developed my eating disorder. Sometimes, I would keep some of it down.

Later, I consulted with my gym teacher. She told me the amount of calories I was eating was very unhealthy, so I upped my calories. I was very unhappy about that, and my self-esteem plummeted. I became even more quiet and didn’t like talking to my peers, except my teachers. It was a way for me to eat the sweets without consuming calories. It seemed like a win-win for me, but I still ended up gaining weight.

Other things I remember about high school were being left out. When working in groups, I usually ended up working by myself, as no one invited me over to do so. After a while, when groups would invite me to work with them, I turned them down and worked by myself. I remember everyone talking about doing this or doing that after school. I was never invited, and I always felt very left out.

Still with the eating disorder, I joined volleyball my junior year. I needed 2 years of sports on my college applications, the main reason for joining. Of course, I was on a team with all cheerleaders who never really talked to me. The coach was one of the popular girls’ mother. I hardly got any playing time, and when that happened I guess it made me feel like I wasn’t doing something right. I wasn’t good enough to be a part of the team.

Graduation came around, and I was in the National Honor Society for 2 years. Graduation was fun, but I was still alone, except for my family. I know that should have been enough, but it just wasn’t. Everyone talk with everyone else, yet I was still in the background. I felt like no one knew I existed.

Then came college. This is really where my eating disorder started to get to me. My first year, I was still very quiet and in a shell. There were new things to experience, and I didn’t have my family there for company. I had two crazy roommates, but the third was very nice. My second semester, I met a boy. He was interested in me, and I was interested in him. But, because I had been so quiet in high school, I hadn’t been exposed to everything that someone would have been. I didn’t know about a lot of stuff, and this boy put me down for it. “Don’t you know anything?” he would sometimes say. I remember how painful that relationship really was, yet I was still head over heels for him. For two years, I was seeing him on and off, but he never wanted to make it official. I eventually found out that he had been sleeping with different girls here and there. One of them was his best friend who lived near him back home. He played me, and he played her.

After that relationship came two other ones. One ended in a month, just out of the blue. The other lasted half a year. But they both broke it off with me, and I guess I took it personally. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. During these three guys, my eating disorder hit its peak. I was chewing and spitting at least 6 times a day. I sought counseling at the University, but that didn’t help at all. They could only get you an appointment once every two weeks. It really didn’t help.

Still, throughout that time I started coming out of my shell, my eating disorder on the back burner but still there when I was emotionally distressed. Then, I met someone very special.

We went to the movies, and we hit it off. He was only in town for a couple of weeks before he headed off to another state to pursue his medical career. When I brought him home for dinner one night, my sister pointed out my eating disorder right at the table. I was SO embarrassed and fled to my room. It wasn’t clear exactly that I had one, but my date followed me into my bedroom. I ended up telling him about it, and I was anticipating the reaction that I had gotten from the first boy that I had liked in college. He had said how gross it was and refused to kiss me afterwards. It was very hurtful because I had come to him to actually talk about it with someone for the first time, and when I did he didn’t understand or support me. However, this guy didn’t judge me. Instead, he understood. From them on out, we dated long distance for two years and for the remainder of my college education. He supported me in ways that I had never had.

My parents actually did know about my eating disorder, but they never did anything about it. Instead, they just told me not to do it. Honestly, I felt they didn’t support me for that.

To this day, I am still working on loving myself. I am engaged to the same guy. He’s a wonderful man. Throughout my relationship with him, my eating disorder slowly has been going away. From the time that it peaked to now, I have majorly improved. Just recently, I have started really loving myself. It’s still a struggle sometimes, especially when it comes to my weight, but it is a work in progress. Once in a great while, I have a relapse, but that’s about it. It’s been a long road, but it is slowly getting easier. I know the urge will always be there, but I am a lot stronger now than I was then.

Currently, I have IBS and visceral hypersensitivity syndrome. It could be related to my ED or it could be related to the traumatic stomach things I had going on. But, I am very happy and I can't believe how long it took me to recover, but it is a good feeling. I hope that some of you can relate to this and look to it for motivation :)


Last edited by Tig : 16-05-2014 at 10:56 AM. Reason: Removing numbers about food & weight, against rules.
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Old 24-05-2014, 10:09 PM   #2
Wonderland.
 
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I am glad that despite all the negative experiences that you have gone through that you are finally settling down and continuing to fight. It takes a strong person to do that.

It sounds like you are making great strides in recovery and I wish you all the best.



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 01-06-2014, 11:22 AM   #3
Pi.R^2
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Congratulations on your engagement and on your recovery. I wish you all the best :)



No other sadness in the world would do


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