Just because I am not doing it at the moment doesn't mean I am magically better. Doesn't mean I am finding things any easier. In fact things are harder. I am struggling, no matter what I may have told you. No matter what my character may have told otherwise. Sorry but self harm and suicide is still ruining my life. A constant battle. & it never gets better, just gets worse.
Please help me? Please understand?
I can't self harm because I will lose my limb.
It's not that I am feeling better.
:(
That date I was putting in my book this morning?
It's the date I've chosen to end my life.
And, by the way, I really wish I could take back what I told you. I'm sorry. So damn sorry. Forgive me?
oh non-believer, please believe me.
is there honestly nothing in this world
that keeps you living & breathing?
you're a ghost in your own
goddamn city.
I know you have problems and i know life is difficult for you too, but it is so damn hard to be sympathetic when you have been to get advice from everyone, including professionals and then you just go and do the opposite of what you are told... even though it is affecting your health. I know you like to moan at me about it, but I can't deal with it anymore, it is self inflicted in you... if it wasn't i would be more sympathetic.
F*CK YOU BOTH! let me leave!! i cant stand it here anymore its making me worse! i havent had a panick attack all day, i havent run away! just because the police were called yesterday and i took a mini overdose doesnt mean i would do it today! just let me leave!!! all i want to do now is get so drunk im out of my head! i will just drink alone in my bedroom then! because i dont want to be anywhere near you! I hate you at the moment! and thats a strong word!
If I did get pregnant,now in the situation we are in I dont know what I would do. Logic says to me,get rid of it - we cant afford a child,we've barely been together that long, ffs I'm still married
....But part of me would not want to. It would be our baby. And even though it would destroy our lives we would still love it like we love each other....
I dont want to have to make that decision.
Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings
Thought I oughta tear the curtain down
I held the blade in trembling hands
Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang
I never had the nerve to make the final cut
I can't do this anymore....I don't know how...
I don't know how to do anything...
help me...
“Because everything that goes around comes around. Maybe it's luck or maybe it's fate, but either way, it comes back around."
Rest in Love Sar-sis. I'll see you the next time around hopefully <3 12/11/92-05/18/16
AJs mommy ❤️ 11/26/17
Married to my best friend and Soulmate 3/5/18 ❤️💍
When I think about it I don't know where to begin.
We moved house and I was eight when you fell with depression Dad and for months when I though you were just having a bad time at work I never blamed you for shouting at me for not cooking your dinner or for not cleaning then house and I am sorry for arguing back and making you feel like I had no respect for you, but as those few months turned into three years the respect I did have for lessened.
The love I had for you seemed to dim and the time you raised your hand to me and I'd never been so scared of you in all of my life and yet I still found the courage to say to you "if you're gonna hit me, hit me".
Our relationship has never recovered but now I don't recall a time when it was solid our strong. I know in my heart you have always loved me but I was the first born and I think to you in some strange sense I seemed fragile and that to no fault of your own learning on me wasn't your priority. I will always love you because you have done so much for me that I could never thank you enough for but at times when I think about how badly you criticised me it hurts to think I never would have questioned you.
And Mum, you'd think after seeing Dad go through depression that I would've have dealt with it better when it came to you. But sadly If anything I coped worse. From 8 to 17 I think my mind has grown bitter and I felt unsympathetic when you broke-down on the big family holiday.
I sat in the dining room while you ran out crying followed by Dad, then my sister, my grandfather and grandmother. To my left sat my uncle in law and my auntie and to the far right my other uncle and auntie in law.
No-one had anything to say but wonder if my mum had been working to many hours and questioning me if I had done enough at home.
I felt like a child and tried hard to answer thourgh gritted teeth and teary eyes but they knew I was upset.
When I came to your room and was told we were leaving in a way I don't regret being angry with you, or making my sister cry.
I couldn't express how angry I felt or upset that for some reason it felt like my fault and that I didn't feel like I;d been treated as an adult when if anyone was to know about how you felt, it would have been me.
We got home and I didn't wanna look at your face ever again, and for the first time in around a year I felt like cutting myself was the only way I could feel better. The addiction I had soon grew and the dirty thought that "it was still winter" and i could wear long sleeves never left my head.
It took me a long while to want to talk to you again, and then when I did decide I could ty and forgive you all I heard was that "if you hadn't have said that I wouldn't have snapped".
I'd never felt so worthless in all my life. And then I had to hear it over and over with every phone call made to my grandparents.
My grades went down in school and I suffered and the blame was put on me. i took this with a pinch of salt for you because shouting and screaming how I cant concentrate when i don;t know what i'll come home to didn't seem right at the time.
And then now its been so long and I've been so strong but i've got that feeling again that I want to talk to someone professionally about why im always anxious and scared. Why I cant take risks and stupid situations scare me. Why for three years of my life I didn't hear my own voice speak to me.
After I asked to see someone when I was younger and I was ignored I feel it's my own choice to go now.
I wish I could tell you how upset it makes me that for two people that have suffered with depression you can't seem to see it with your own eyes but I don't want to cause any more upset.
I love you both so much and I couldn't dare live without you but sometimes I feel like I cant live with you.
Now that you love me I love myself
I never thought I would say that
I never thought there'd be You.
Last night was the worst night of my life. I hated having to restrain you. I hated that you didn't believe that i was me and that you were scared of me. I hated it even more watching you fight the policemen and watching them have to psychically restrain you. It broke my heart into thousands of pieces.
I loved it when you saw that i was me again and you hugged and kissed me and cried with me. I loved that you were brave enough to tell the psych what you needed and wanted. I love that you were so brave you didn't shed a single tear on the journey there. I love that even though you were nervous and scared you accepted this new place and wanted to make the best of it. I loved that you were so strong and still didn't shed a tear.
Im sorry that i was so weak. I sorry that i cried when restraining you. I cried when you kicked me away. I cried when the police restrained you. I cried in the ambulance. I cried when you hugged me. I cried when they told us you were going to be admitted. I cried in the police car. I cried all the time we were in the ward. And i've been crying ever since.
I'm sorry that i'm not strong enough to cope without you on my own.
I love you so much. Please get better soon. I can't handle this.
“Because everything that goes around comes around. Maybe it's luck or maybe it's fate, but either way, it comes back around."
Rest in Love Sar-sis. I'll see you the next time around hopefully <3 12/11/92-05/18/16
AJs mommy ❤️ 11/26/17
Married to my best friend and Soulmate 3/5/18 ❤️💍
i love you so much and you have no idea how much your words and lies hurt me eveyday... i just want the wife back i married and for things to be good again... how can i stay strong when the person i depend on the most is the one that is hurting me?
i wud love for you to say chick you look gorgeous the way you are you dont need to loose. but u neva which makes me think you want me to do this. just once i want you to say it. anyone just say please
![[Awakening]'s Avatar](image.php?s=007f4934b9abb0be4727eb9482dd7c0d&u=17767&dateline=1333971866)
