I was lucky that my parents never did that to any of my memory. And if they did it wasn't a repeating pattern like yours was. There were other problems of never letting go/controlling, but still having that sense of security that they wouldn't try to get rid of me definitely helped me not have major abandonment problems with people. I do know what you mean about being punished for doing absolutely nothing wrong. I think if someone's childhood is more the rebellious kind where there needed to be disciplined, they might not understand that there really are parents who will punish and yell and stuff when you've done nothing wrong. I know it happened to me as well as other people and I definitely believe you. It's almost like the better you act and the more you try to stay out of trouble the more you get in trouble and get threatened stuff (in your case the abandonment)
Plus no one should be threatening that at five years old (really not ever, but it's even worse at that age when you get scared so easily and believe everything you hear). It's ridiculous when children can't be children and when you have to walk on eggshells just to not get yelled at. I know I'd get screamed at for my "tone" when in reality I was just in a bad/sad mood and was not disrespecting anybody. they were allowed to be in a bad mood, but I wasn't, that type of thing. so I'm rambling, but I really do get what you mean about how damaging that is and how there really are many cases where it's the parent being unreasonable rather than the child and it's not a situation where someone can easily "see" the abuse and help you. Yet emotional abuse is still very damaging.
I really don't understand why some parents have such a strange and distorted view of how to raise children, especially children that are very shy and do not do much wrong. Even talking with my mom about past stuff, it's really obvious that she has no clue what it's like to be a child or teenager and that's why she behaved as she did. So I know parents can be ridiculously angry for absolutely no reason and take things out on children, and there really are unreasonable parents out there where the child is in the right and the parents are wrong.
I can't imagine how the abandonment threats affected you by someone as influential as your parents. I've been hurt and messed up by the abandonment threats that my ex used to do to hurt me, and that's not someone as nearly as important as your parents, who are the first examples usually that you see of the world. I imagine that it would make you think that everyone is going to do that to you. I know pretty much how your parents treat you is how you start to think everyone will, especially if you're in a situation where you're pretty isolated and your parents are the prime example. Even if not, parents are still who is in charge of you and so they are going to be a big influence no matter what.
Perhaps writing down all the people who have not abandoned you might help you see that not everyone is like your parents, but I definitely appreciate it's a very difficult road. Just remember that you are definitely validated in that there really are parents who will threaten and punish when you are not misbehaving at all. Someone who's not been in that situation might not understand that, as having a more reasonable parent would make that scenario seem pretty alien and hard to understand. But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen quite a bit.
I know it's really hard when people act like bad experiences with parents weren't a big deal. I've been there myself (in a bit different ways than you, but similar in other ways I imagine), I've even told my mom that I can move on and forgive for all the stuff so long as she stops acting like I'm crazy and acting like she did nothing wrong. If she either doesn't talk about it or if it does come up admit that it wasn't right, I'm fine. But when she starts making excuses or minimizing it, that's when I go off on her. Maybe not healthy for me, but I imagine it's a pretty common response that probably at least internally you've experienced with this. It really helps to have someone tell you you're not just making it up and that it was normal for it to hurt you. I think it's cause in situations like that the child is routinely vilified by the parents even though they know deep down they are not in the wrong and so it messes with your sense of trusting yourself in addition to trusting those in power over you, as it's the kind of thing of "I don't think I'm in the wrong but everyone says I am, so I must be crazy". And that wears on you after a while and makes you not know what to trust about your perception in everyday situation.
So try to focus on the fact that it DID happen, that that type of thing would have a bad effect on almost anyone, and that you can do things to begin to rewire how you expect others to treat you. *hugs*
sorry wasnt really in the right state
i keep switching at the moment between when small and big
this kind of relates cos its when i was 4 the main stuff happened
and i got told that basically bad men (social services) would take me and put me in a home for bd children
this was cos i cried
anyway i just like to say i underastand
especially as it might only be a part of what you go through but for me i know it one of things that stuck most
sorry if stupid
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
My mother has always told me she was going to put me into care or send me to live with my father that I havent seen or heard from since I was 3 whenever I cried or she'd do something to hurt/upset me and I'd say something back to her.
I always wondered why she didn't just put me in care rather than threatening it all the time, it useed to affect me really badly, but now I couldn't care about what she says.
Because threatning gets more of a reaction, its a bad way of trying to get you to stop a behaviour. My parents used to say stuff like that too, but i cant remember alot of it, the only one i can think of is when my dad or mum always said "im gona go jump in the river clyde" and storm out.
But then again i always sid stuff like you should never have had me, or you never wanted me, but as someone said, it works both ways.
But i really cant remember anything, alot of its just been blocked out.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
For me, when I was 5 [an insecure, withdrawn, young for my age 5 year old], it got as far as my standing there rooted to the spot in fear while my mother packed a bag for me to go away. Something must have happened to stop my actually going away.
I read about children's homes and child psychiatric units in the 70s and shudder. 'There but for the grace of God....' I needed help. Play therapy perhaps. My parents needed help. But not for me to be sent away and actually put in a strait jacket like he threatened when I was 9ish. Not to be sent away to be abused further.
I had this happen to me in my early formative years 5-7, if it happened earlier than 5 I don't remember. There were 4 of us kids at home at that time. My twin brother and my set of twin sister who are 3 years older than us. My Mom would have a meltdown and go on about how she couldn't take it anymore, how miserable she was and hated life. That she was leaving and never coming back. We literally had no one else. My Dad worked on a ship and was gone most of the time ,sometimes years at a whack. The impact for me has been huge. My Mom made some poor choices in those days, and ones was leaving us at a friends, where I got molested when I was 6. So the threat of abandonment coupled with the molestation has truly ruined my life. I am now 53 and never told a soul about it till 3 weeks ago. I was the unlucky one, I asked my brother and sisters if that old drunk did anything to them, they all said no. I am trying to work through this, but i'll be honest, after this long and after all the fails in my life and the way I view my self and others for so long, I don't know if it's worth the effort. I feel as if all the good parts of life it's too late to attain; A wife, kids, grand kids, a sense of place...any joy. I do think the fact that the threats of abandonment coming at such an early age was sadistic, and so impactful. Just too young an age to see it as anything other than I made my Mom so miserable she wanted to abandon me. My sisters said they both knew my was having problems and even my brother didn't think it was sucha big deal. But I sure did.
I have those same feeling as you, unworthiness, low self esteem. Unlovable.
Because it's like you said if even my own mother hated being around me, was so miserable, how could anyone else have feelings for me. It stopped me from so many things. I would seek some counseling, but my insurance changed in a very negative way this year, thanks to the Cadillac tax that's going to go into effect in 2018. Now I can't afford it. I'm trying to work through and I know the key is to change how I view me, but not sure I can w/o help. And again, not sure it's worth it this late in life. I have 53 years of regret weighing me down, not sure I can shrug those off.
My parental would tell me she would put me up for adoption, but then tell me no one would want such a bad child.
She would tell me she would send me to a place she couldn't tell me. A place for bad children...but I was so bad even they wouldn't accept me.
She told me that I had to be out of the huse by graduation. For months I cried myself to sleep. wondering where I would go. What I woul eat. That night I sat through the entire thing fighting tears wondering where I would sleep that night. I packed my clothes, and my parental came upstairs, and asked what I was doing. i said she told me I had to leave. She said she was joking, and threw a party... You don't joke like that.
I would spend my time crying, or harming.
You can`t recover until you accept that you have the problem,
