Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: U.S.A.
I am currently:  
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Contains sexual abuse - I can still remember...
I can`t keep it secret anymore. I feel so filthy and like scum. I never wanted that, and I am s sorry it happend. I am sitting here drinking, and fearing alcoholism, because this is something major that won`t leave me alone. I`m so sorry.
My friend asked me to babysit her son. I was going to get paid so I agreed to. I thought we were going to stay up late having a fun time talking, getting close, usual friend stuff. I went over to her parents house. My friend was getting all dressed up along with her mother. They were leaving. They told all the males to leave and they did. No males, no drinking, no drugs, no boys. {My friend was big on weed and booze.} So they left to go to the bar. Late that night they all came back. My friend left to her house so she could be with her husband. Her mother cooked fr me, and me and her step father got to talking since he did`t want to talk about bar men while she cooked. Told him about what I was doing those days, since I hadn`t seen him or my friends family for years. He said he hasn`t been with a tranni before. One of his drunk friends came in the room, and he said we would talk later.
That night he came downstairs. He saw I was awake, and sat beside me. He pulled himself out, and I looked away to what I was watching. He grabbed my hand, and tried to make me stroke him. I got scared, and took my hand away. He...I...This is too much... I don`t want to remember...please don`t make me say it... I`m so sorry. He...took the back of his fingers, and petted my face... I can still remember him petting my face, and telling me, " I won't hurt you." Then I knew I was in trouble. I wanted to run out the back door, and run away. I wanted to run as far as I could to the safest part of the city I could think of. ...but my friends child. He was only a few months old, and I couldn`t leave him. I thought about taking him with me to my friends house as I looked over to him, but her step dad stood infront of me. He told me I needed to be quiet with the child sleeping there, and people in the next room. He just started touching himself. I was terrified. I knew I couldn`t escape. I told him no. I told him I was terrified...but all he did was pet my face, and tell me that he wouldn't hurt me. He then grabbed the back of my head, and had me go closer to him. I puled away, and he asked if I was ok, and brought himself towards me telling me to put it in my mouth. "I'll make it quick." He told me. Standing directly over top of me he grabbed my had again. Pulling me closer. I jerked back, and put my hands over my ears. I broke out into a somewhat loud cry. He put himself away, and sat dow as fast as he could, and covered my mouth. He took my hands off my ears, and told me that he said he wouldn't hurt me. I had to be quiet. He didn't want to get caught.
I settled. I feared gettng beat or worse. He stood up, and went to the door. He stopped, and looked at me, and pointed. Telling me, "This never happend." I shook my head yes. He asked me, "Did anything ever happen here tonight?" I replied, "No." He told me if anyone asked why he was down there then it was to check on the baby. I shook my head yes, and he went upstairs. I didn`t sleep at all my time there out of fear.
The next morning my friend came over. I wanted to tell her what happend so bad, but he came in the room. Then again what did it matter? She slept with him, and tried to get me to do give him head the same time she did. She also came on to me multiple times, and tried to sleep with me once. So I kept quiet. As we were leaving he grabbed my bag, and waited till my friend left the room. He told me, "Don't you ever tell anyone what happend last night. Do you understand me?" I was terrified of his glare, and was speachless. I gathered all my strength, and replied in a cracked, terrified voice, "Yes. I underdtand, I will never tell anyone." My friend called me, and I tugged on my bag. He finally let me go. When we got outside she asked me what he was talking to me about, and I told her it was about rolling a joint. She said, "Oh."
When I got home I harmed so bad, and didn`t sleepv for 3 days. I wasso terrified tat he was going to come for me that I held my dog, and cried. I didn`t get paid, and I never went to see my friend after that out of fear I would have to go to her parents house.
I am sorry this happend. I should of been stronger, and did more to protectg myself. It`s been a few years, but I am still traumatized, and get terrified if I randomly se him at the store. I feel so dirty. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
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