I estimated at least 3 hours since it was first put on. Now I'm thinking more like 5 in total. Probably three hours to go :') It's a (very) slow drip.
I'm a bit sad because I know they've forgotten to send psych to see me. It's hard to ask anyone about these things too because they say they don't know ("sorry, the doctor deals with this..."). Which is fair but it means everything is confusing and takes an extremely long time.
Thanks. I hope so too. I hope you can also have some restorative time post-Xmas.
They didn't forget about me seeing the mental health team.
I never had the crisis number - had to explain this to the mental health people last night. Multiple people refused to give it to me in the past, and I couldn't find it online.
They have now given me the number. For the crisis team in the other city where the rest of my care still is(haven't moved officially). I don't know what to do when calling the crisis team, how do I talk to them, like what am I supposed to say?
The crisis team are usually pretty good at taking the lead. I normally say that I'm struggling at the moment. They usually ask who's calling and what's going on, and the conversation kind of develops from there.
It's definitely daunting to call for the first time, but they (should) know what they're doing and most people who call them will feel similarly, that they don't know what to say or how to express things. They will hopefully know how to help you with that and if they don't, that's on them. Good luck if you decide to call. Maybe it's worth making a list of bullet points about what you might like to say if you get a bit stuck?
I've had a lot of bad experiences when seeking support. Been verbally abused(racially motivated), blamed for my illness, or dismissed. So I'm always reluctant to ask for help, especially when I'm by myself. Even on the phone, I'm worried they'll pick up on my accent and treat me badly.
Bullet points sound helpful. If I do call, I will do that.
I am okay. I don't feel as nervous now the compulsion is gone! Spending time with P was good too. They're coming over tomorrow and we are going to the NYE party. Trying not to think about things going wrong.
Thank you Lindsay, I thought I'd replied to your last post on here but I must have not posted it.
I've been a bit out of it. Can't focus.
The party was okay, I had a good time. I did have a meltdown at the end but it wasn't as bad as last time & it was only at the very end so trying to ignore it.
I'm finding things hard. I was feeling a bit better but I think only on a surface level & starting to slip now. Everything takes incredible emotional effort and I cannot cope with change/uncertainty at all.
I want to burn soon. I don't know how I'm gonna go back to work now. Reality is overwhelming.
I do hope that I'll feel better once I've settled into my normal routine but there's loads of things worrying me.
My job is rather demanding (because of Brexit & the current political situation) & I've been really struggling to perform. I have to interact with people a lot & I cover a very large (more than 3200 sq mi!) area by myself. My colleagues have great pre-established networks in their (much smaller) areas so they are doing much better than me.
Also, I always get ill toward the end of Jan/beginning of Feb, maybe til the end of March because the weather is changing(which makes me ill) & I have a lot of trauma from this time. I don't think things will go well for me.
I tried to let my manager know I'm ill ages ago but I don't even think she looked at my "disability adjustments form". My former manager(same workplace) & another colleague have been helpful/supportive before.
When I become unwell around this time of year, I lose touch with reality (extent varies), I stop being functional, have a lot of meltdowns, and I hurt myself or do something bad. I feel like I'm not anchored right. I don't know how to avoid that.
I think one thing that's really important to remember is just because certain times of year have been bad before, does not automatically mean they have to be again. I'm not saying that the trauma stuff might not exist, but are there any certain things you can do or reminders you can set so that you can remember it is 2020 now and you are in a different situation than you were previously and the trauma things are (hopefully) not currently occurring? My friend tells me this a lot. It can sometimes take a lot of prompting to remind yourself that it is 2020 and things do not have to be like they were, and even if it feels like they are the same, I bet you can find lots of small ways things are different. Sometimes for me even just focusing on really small things that are different can be a way to prompt myself and anchor myself more in the present. Like certain fidgets that I got, or my dog that maybe I did not have when the bad things occurred, it doesn't have to be giant differences to help remind you.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
You're right, it doesn't necessarily *have to* happen, it's just I've noticed a pattern and that's the thing, I already feel quite ill so I'm anticipating that it's not going to get better because I can't fend off the trauma stuff.
And that's another problem, it's very hard to think about the good things that are different. I have a lot of guilt surrounding my trauma & remembering people I care about are gone so my brain involuntarily thinks about that. I avoid thinking about it most of the time but it's difficult. I try to tell myself I've got my own place etc in hopes it'll ground me a little.
It's so hard to see any positives. My partner(P) said "There's loads of good things in your life: you have your partners and you have a job now too!" But it's hard to see the good when I'm scared I'm gonna lose those things and when they're not going well :(