Thanks for your reply. The only therapy I can access in my area is psychology and I have already seen numerous psychologists and tried to work through things using different psychological methods. When I finished with my last psychologist he said I could be re-referred after 3 months had passed and my psychiatrist has kept this in mind for the future. I don't know if it would be helpful to be referred back at this point, or even how I'll know if there comes a right time to go for it.
My brother is very busy and lives quite a bit away from me. We try to meet up at least once a month, I should be seeing him on Sunday if he's not tired after working all this week. I find I can't be around him for long periods the same as with any other person. Plus I'm constantly interpreting all the things he says and does as being something concerning but I know I do that when I'm not around him too.
I do like to try and help others here when I can focus. It's difficult on the days when I can't even chat on here in general topics.
There is just far too much emotional pain to face and fight every day.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't want to be alive. How can I die? There is nothing continually worthwhile in life. Having support from my CPN is fine for now but it's once a fortnight at the most and she won't be in my life forever. There's nothing to look forward to. My weekly routine doesn't offer much and I can't think of what I could add. I don't have the right sort of connections with people and the ability to get good things from life. I don't have the capacity to enable these things to happen. And I can't even make things better for my brother. He is a single person with his own thoughts and feelings and memories and control over what actions he takes. The only control I have is in making bad things happen to him. If there is no way to change the past I need to at least stop myself leaking into the future.
I'd be content to end my life right now if I knew of a quick and foolproof way. I hope there is no consciousness after death. I can't even do anything risky any more. I need the ability back. I can't keep just existing in this agony. No one will be able to help me right now because only action can be taken when I'm at risk. I'm feeling vulnerable but I'm probably not physically unsafe so no one will feel the need to do anything quickly for me. I can't learn good ways to survive and get enjoyment from life. All my learning has been done. I don't want to have to cope through life, I want me and my brother to enjoy life. That's not possible so death is the only other option. But I can't find a sure and quick way that 100% guarantees death.
I wish there was at least always someone to turn to who I trust and who can help me. I don't know if I could explain myself to someone on crisis who doesn't know me. There is no solution anyway. I was born to bring suffering to myself and other people.
There's no one I can talk to outside of appointments. It gets to this time of the evening when the only options I have are to phone the voluntary crisis team or a helpline but I can't talk to most of those people now. I ideally want to talk to my CPN but she is of course finished for the day. I could phone her tomorrow but I won't have the words at the time. There is no one I can talk to when I really need them in the moment.
What is there in the longer term? I see no hope of things changing for the better. Life is about suffering and whatever changes in my life won't lead to good things just increased suffering. I'm greedy. I have a good treatment team, I am financially secure, I have minimal stress and pressure, yet I want something more.I can't cope but at the same time I do cope. I keep on breathing. I'm not the only person like this. I must be selfish wanting more than I already have. Life is painful. It's felt like too much for such a long time and that feeling keeps on getting bigger. I am trapped in agony until I can find a way to die. I don't want any more of this. Not even one more second. I don't want to try and be strong. The only kind of strength I want is the ability to kill myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It sounds like things are really difficult right now. I know that it is hard but getting involved with some kind of activity or social engagement even once a week would give you something else to look forward to other than talking to your CPN. It is a risk to put yourself out there but then you might have other people to talk to. You do not have to be in absolute crisis to get help and you deserve to feel better than this.
What is going on? Seriously? This doesn't even exist. People don't even exist. I'm aware I may be doing something that seems to look like existence. I recognise that I need to share things and I remember this is a place where I share things. But this place doesn't exist. I am still posting to get things out but I don't believe in you. I don't believe in me. How can anything exist? It's impossible. There can't be things like humans and technology. Am I some kind of floating energy? I was thinking about my Mum, I got out my Gran's jewellery box with my Mum's stuff in it and read the poems she wrote and jingled her bracelets together and remembered the sound of her wearing them. I looked at the picture of my twin sister, taken when she was dead because she was always dead outside. But this doesn't exist. Not physically. It is totally impossible. Whatever floating thing I am there must be a way to eliminate me. These are not my memories, there can be no memories because nothing exists. What is happening? Nothing is happening? But I can press buttons and make this appear. It is in my imagination. How can I have an imagination? Something's wrong. I need to end this thing.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I need someone. I need someone who knows me. I need real life. I need my CPN. Does my CPN exist? I need someone. I need reassurance. I can't phone a helpline. I need someone who knows me. I need a person. I need a presence. I need my CPN.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you for your reply in whatever form you exist. I will be seeing my CPN in just over 2 weeks in whatever form she exists. She is working this week so I could phone her but there's not much point. I think my support worker is off this week. I was going to stop doing unnecessary 'living' things today. Just make sure I communicate with my brother and look after my cats in case they are real because there would be bad consequences for not treating them like they are real if they are real. I had decided last night not to go for my prescription and not turn up to any groups etc because nothing exists outside of electronic communication or when people appear at my house. I did go for my prescription though. I know that if I don't turn up for things I will get phone calls and I hate the sound of my phone ringing. I will act along with this fake life for now until I am given the answer for how to eliminate whatever is left of me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I looked at old photos and cards and stuff. There was someone born on the same day as what my DOB supposedly is. It's supposedly me. I supposedly existed once. So did my Mum. We all have a past. I want to show photos and my Mum's poems and share memories with someone but there is no one to talk to. I couldn't talk to my brother because it would bring up bad memories for him. I should never have been born. I have never contributed good that outweighs the bad I've done. I can't take back the past and anything I do in the future won't eliminate past evil. I phoned crisis but the person who always makes me feel worse answered so I wasn't willing to even try talking. I'm safe anyway since whatever exists of me probably needs to be killed using a complex process that I can't figure out right now. As I'm safe there is no urgent need for support. I will continue to feel the shards in my heart with every beat. I am hurting so much. I am alone.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you. I wish I could have a real life hug. :(
I'm tired of trying to cope with emotional pain every day. I really want to kill myself or find some way to make things better but there's no hope for things getting better, I have tried and tried and tried. I'm trapped because I don't know how to kill myself. I need someone right now but there is no one around. I'm lucky I have scheduled appointments sometimes I know that a high percentage of people feel like they have no one to confide in so at least I have a small set time to offload. I don't want to feel this crap any more. It's a huge battle and it doesn't seem worth it. I'll be going to the gardening thing today and I'll have to try hard to act normal because the place and the staff are still new to me so I can't be honest about how things are. Things hurt too much, I want out. Everything is hopeless.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I need some reassurance from someone I can see who knows me so I don't have to explain things from scratch. Someone I trust. How do people cope on their own? I can't keep things to myself. There is no one about because there are maybe only 3 professional people I feel comfortable talking to - my CPN, my support worker, and one of my previous support assistants. They work through the day and sometimes my support worker or support assistant will be working on the voluntary crisis team during the evening but my support worker is on holiday this week. I'm scared to not have people know what I'm going through which I hope doesn't sound attention seeking or anything. I just feel so alone and full of pain and I can't self soothe. I need external reassurance and comfort. I rely on other people for pain relief. My CPN will be off next week so I need to get on with phoning her if I'm going to do that. I'm worried that I will take up too much of her time because I have a lot to talk about and she could only give me a short time on the phone. I probably don't have the right spoken words anyway. I don't want to face up to hurt any more.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm so sorry about the person you were in hospital with. I also don't think you are attention seeking at all, just hurting and in need of support which is no crime.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Thank you. I phoned my CPN but she was out and I'm not sure if I'll be able to answer the phone if she manages to call back before she goes on holiday. I just want everything to stop. I didn't go to the gym group today because it was hard at the gardening yesterday and I didn't want a replay of that. I need to not be aware of anything and that can only happen through death. There's too much to face every day without a break, I even deal with stress when I'm dreaming. There's nothing anyone can do for me. I don't even know what I'd say to my CPN. Nothing is helping and I just want everything to end.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Here are some of my favorites, I'm sure you have your own. It seems like you are so distressed right now and would benefit from some simple things that might help you feel better.
Self soothing 5 senses:
taste- mindful eating (chocolate works well) eat slow and savor
smell- essential oils or peeling an orange or a lotion you like
hear- birds are coming back, music you like, creating music if you can
see- tv shows, guided imagery (can probably you tube)
touch- stress balls, hot shower or bath, lotion, pet therapy
Thanks. I'm not the best at being mindful of things other than emotional pain. Sometimes I don't even try because I'm too distressed to think but I do have a coping list it just doesn't work if I can't focus. Thanks for the suggestions.
My CPN phoned this morning and I didn't answer because it is so, so hard for me to answer the phone. I did manage to phone her back 5 minutes later though. She said maybe I'm just sad because this particular episode of feeling like I don't exist happened after I was intensely thinking about my Mum. She said it's ok not to be able to get on with things every single day. I said I was sorry for relying on other people so much to get me through but she said I don't realise how much I cope with every day by myself and I only see her once a fortnight. She said well done for phoning. It's hard to cope now that I don't know the majority of the people on the crisis team (the voluntary one not the CMHT one). I should maybe ask if I could meet them. Their office is a 10 minute walk from my house so I could go down for a bit when they're not too busy, I'll maybe mention it to my support worker when I see him next week.
I do recognise that I often feel unreal etc and that it can be down to dissociation but it's hard to understand at times. No one can really know what is real and what isn't. I'm getting really tired of experiencing so much hurt. Yet I won't stop breathing so the hurt will keep on coming.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
