I think i'm just going to try and go to bed. I am quite tired so hopefully I'll be able to sleep.
I think you have to be under the crisis team to be able to call them but ill see if my cc has a number for another out of hours team. I know in my last area they had an out of hours team you could call.
At least if im asleep ill be safe then it's just tomorrow morning to get through before I see my cc.
I'm not sure how to get across how I'm feeling. I usually end up saying something like 'I'm fine' or 'I'll deal with it' when im not and I can't.
I don't know.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Thank you x
I did manage to get some sleep although I had a panic attack which is odd because I haven't had a panic attack in years. It really scared me.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I'm feeling less panicky I don't even know what it was about.
I saw my cc. I managed to tell her I was feeling suicidal and I have a plan. She made me promise that I'd call if I was going to do something. I'm going to try my best.
She kept saying that it will get better. That I've been through similar episodes before and it got better.
I don't feel like things can get better. I cant imagine things getting better. It feels like it's going to be like this forever.
Maybe I'm not even depressed and this is just how things are. I can't deal with it. I can't cope with life.
Love you too Helen xx
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I don't feel like things can get better. I cant imagine things getting better. It feels like it's going to be like this forever.
Maybe I'm not even depressed and this is just how things are. I can't deal with it. I can't cope with life.
These are all lies that depression tells you. Lies.
Things can get better, things will get better. This is depression and it sucks, it makes you doubt everything about life and tells you you can cope and manage and everything is too difficult.
You are brave, you are strong and you will get through this.
I am really glad you were able to speak to your CC about how you have been feeling.
I'm not doing too well. The urges to act on my plan are intense. I'm trying to wait until after my birthday because I'm thinking if I see my family the day after my birthday then that could be the last time I see them and I could let them know I love them and see jasmine for the last time.
I'm crying just typing this out. But I don't think I can hold on much longer. Maybe it would be easier if I didn't see them and did it before then.
I don't know. I don't want to leave my family, jasmine especially but I can't see another way out. I don't know what to do.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Hey Beckie
Sorry things are so hard. I really hear how intense the thoughts are and how hard you are working to fight them. Is there anyone you can be with tonight? Or call?
Would it help to break the evening down a bit? Like 'okay, I'm going to get through the next half hour by watching...' Or reading or painting your nails or something like that? Kind of break the evening into chunks of time and it might make it easier to get through
Hope you're okay sending love xxx
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
There isn't anyone I can be with. I could call someone I suppose but I'm not so good with talking to people at the moment. It seems to take a lot of effort to try and make conversation. With my cc today it was mostly her talking. I just don't seem to have the energy.
That's a good idea. I've been watching a series on Netflix which is distracting me so far. I need to start reading for my ou course which is really hard to get started with but maybe it will be a good distraction?
I'm trying so hard to stay safe but it's exhausting.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
How are you doing this morning?
I know it is hard but you are doing so well taking this hour by hour.
Could you arrange to meet someone for a coffee or something? I know it is hard to make conversation and talk but connecting with the real world for short periods of time helps me combat my suicidal thoughts.
I'm not doing so well. Thanks for asking though.
Every day this seems to be getting more difficult. It's my birthday tomorrow and I don't want it to be.
I'll be 24 and have nothing to show for it. I've done nothing. If I wasn't so messed up I would have graduated uni and have a job by now.
I don't have any local friends so I can't really meet up with anyone. All my friends live a train journey away and I can't afford the train fare because my benefits still aren't sorted which is stressing me out. I have no income whatsoever at the moment.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Happy birthday for tomorrow! You have much more going for you than you give yourself credit for. I recently met up with a group from school and not one of them was where they were expecting to be when they started uni. No one has a straight path through life. Yes somethings have gone awry for you but things are improving for you, you have grown up so much over the last few years and you are only 24! You have so many years ahead of you to do weird and wonderful things. It really doesn't matter if you finish uni at 21 or 71.
Your benefits not being sorted is rubbish! It must be making this more difficult too.
Thanks Sarah, that's really reassuring. You're right, not everyone has a straight path through life.
I managed to get through the day and got a couple of things done that I've been putting off like the washing up and going to get my housing benefit sorted. Things that really needed doing. So I guess that's sort of an achievement.
I have a neurology appointment tomorrow at an awkward time so I don't really have time to do anything for my birthday tomorrow but on Saturday ill be going out with the family for a pizza. Im really not looking forward to it. Having to make conversation and be happy. I just can't imagine anything worse at the moment. There will be 8 people there and it seems like it's too much. It will be lovely to see everyone as it's rare that we get together as a family but I don't think I can cope with the conversation and being around people. Especially as my plan is supposed to take place after my birthday so it's scary.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
She kept saying that it will get better. That I've been through similar episodes before and it got better.
I don't feel like things can get better. I cant imagine things getting better. It feels like it's going to be like this forever.
I can relate to this, but it is very true that you have been here before and come through it. I relate to how you're feeling because i too have felt similarly, but I came through it too. You can do this.
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I'll be 24 and have nothing to show for it. I've done nothing. If I wasn't so messed up I would have graduated uni and have a job by now.
I'm 25 and was supposed to graduate at 21: never happened. 24 is still young, there is plenty of times. We all have our own paths to follow. Some do certain life goals earlier or later than others. You are never too old to learn or change direction, and 24 is still young. Take your time, it's your life, not anyone else. Yes, being unwell is frustrating - I feel that too, BUT maybe talking to your CC about getting help with acceptance might help. I've been advised this and i think it is good advice, I have accepted that everyone has different paths and now am so much more relaxed about what could've should've would've been. Trust me. It's ok. The fact that you're at OU and WANT to do something despite your difficulties says a lot more about you than where you are at currently.
Quote:
Especially as my plan is supposed to take place after my birthday so it's scary.
The fact that you're scared suggests that really you want to fight this, deep inside of you, you don't want to end it. That's what I can see in this. Ask for help, phone your CC or please please go to A&E if you need to. They can help you through this.
I don't have the brain power to read through all the posts, so will probably be repeating a lot of what others have said.
I very much agree with what some have said about trying to remember that this will pass - I know that sounds trite but you know you have been through these episodes before and they have passed. When you are in the midst of depression it feels so thick and overwhelming that you don't see it ever passing but it will. You need to find things to help you hang on, and you are doing so well.
I hope you are enjoying your birthday even just a little bit, and it sounds like you have some nice plans with family coming up, which is great - I know it seems daunting being around that many people and having to make conversation when you are so low but try to hold onto the positive factor that your family rarely get together like that - if you can.
People do need you, it may not feel like it but Jasmine needs her mum (I know that might not feel true either sometimes and I know your situation with her must be so difficult, but if you were gone she would notice). Your little girl needs you and so does your family and your friends. You ARE important.
Sorry if this sounds bossy! It isnt meant to be. But I love you and I really hope this passes for you soon. Keep holding on. you are doing well and are much stronger than you think you are <3
It's hard to see myself getting through this but you're right, I've got through episodes like this before.
I suppose it is a good thing I'm scared. I know that there's a part of me that is scared to die. Or I'm scared of failing.
I need to try and call my cc before I do anything. I promised I would.
I ended up going out with a friend for a birthday meal and drinks and stayed over at hers. I enjoyed myself. We had a good time. The thought of it was worse than anything. So maybe I'll end up enjoying going out with my family. Who knows.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I'll try to call her on Monday if I've managed not to do anything before then. It's going to be difficult. I have meds now though I told my gp that I'd be safe with them. I probably shouldn't have said that.
Thanks Steph xx
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Ip when I am depressed it feels like it will never end. Things will never get better. I can't hack it but the thing is that it does get better. It is soo soo hard to accept it when depressed and so easy to see when you are in a good place so keep trying to hold on and take it one day at a time.
I'm 32 and the first time I really thought I had it together was my 30th birthday and at times since then I've queried it. You have jasmine who is gorgeous. You are living independently and generally managing without hospital which a few years ago no one thought you would do. You worked and earnt money and it seems like you were good at your job so give yourself some credit!
Xox
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
