I was feeling pretty manic but then I feel asleep, and had a really sad dream that I've just woke up from. It was about my friends in 2007 and getting back in touch with them at a wedding and being all emotional because it had been so long since we spoke. We became friends again. But the main person in question won't even accept my friend request on Facebook let alone talk to me at a wedding. I've lost them for good, I need to get that into my thick skull and going back to London isn't going to make them reappear, or indeed going to some random wedding. Sorry I'm rambling. Should probably sleep I suppose.
I'm struggling a bit, need to bump/post. Just purged for the second time in a week. I'm sort of concerned, sort of not. Nobody else cares about the purging and never have which makes it hard for me to be bothered about it. I know it shouldn't affect me as much but it does. Last night was rough. My weight is increasing. I don't feel good. I'm so up and down at the moment.
We were talking about discharge. I'm with specialist pd team and they are discharging me in December because my time has run out with them. I also leave Brigid in December. Apparently I might not get referred back to Cmht so I could go from having a lot of support to nothing, which was my fear. My cc wants to know what I think about it but I don't want to ask for help I don't deserve or need. But the thought of being discharged to nothing is terrifying. Discharge is bad enough itself.
I've been under the mental health services for 17 years, starting with CAMHS. I'm on a community section at the moment, I couldn't imagine life without the mental health services but I'm much older than you and my circumstances are different but I really sense your fear of being alone - but your not alone really - you have your mum and some great friends, people who love and care for you. As has been said, use this next 6 months wisely.
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
I plan on getting my shit together, like now, but I'm sure I've been trying to do that for the last 8 years. I really feel like I've made no progress whatsoever and I hate myself for it. I really fucking hate myself. I'm fat and a failure. I just don't know what recovery is. I've always seen it at just stopping self harming and not actually feeling better. It would be amazing to feel better as well and not actually need to self harm.
You haven't been to London in a while or had a passing out stage that's really good n u seem slot calmer on ur threads nub seem to be working with the staff better they r big steps
Thanks all. You have no idea how much I appreciate that. I just tend to see overdoses as failure and going back to square one. But I am 2 1/2 weeks free of everything!!
Just had a really long 1:1. It was really helpful, although a hell of a lot to take in. I'm chilling now. Friend is in hospital which is a bit sad but hopefully she'll be ok.
