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Old 14-09-2011, 09:42 PM   #21
Lost But Never Found 15
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Aww liddy, I'm devastated to hear that your going through so much!:( it's going to be really tought but, I know you will be okay some day, I just have a feeling!
If you need me, inbox me! I'll always talk back.... I hope your doing as best you can,

Lots and lots of love and hugs!
Lotty! <3 xxxx



Someone once asked me, 'Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?' I replied, 'Why do you assume I see two roads?'
Take it from someone who's fallen... it's a long way down.

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Old 14-09-2011, 09:48 PM   #22
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<3 thinking of you Liddy.
know we haven't really spoken much but I really hope things get easier for you.
i'm always here if you want to talk.
*hugs*
x K x

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Old 14-09-2011, 10:13 PM   #23
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Hey seen you around a fair bit, and read many of you posts, you seem lovley and i hope everything goes ok for you soon xxx



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Old 15-09-2011, 12:27 AM   #24
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I just wanted to offer you some support and hugs, I'm always open for a chat if you need to vent.

Your going to get through this!



You will find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical, but is often true-Spock


I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

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Old 15-09-2011, 04:06 AM   #25
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Don't have terribly much to say... but, hope you're alright<3 Keep strong *hugs*



"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.


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Old 15-09-2011, 08:53 AM   #26
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Thanks everyone.

I'm too scared to FEEL. I can't cope with remembering the bad parts of my past and I can't cope with the feelings that remembering gives me. Also day to day feelings, love, lust, anger, happines, vulnerability, fear, they all scare me so much that I learnt 14 years ago than if I cut or burnt my skin my mind emptied and all feeling left it and I was given a short reprive from feeling.

The next thing I know I've learnt to dissociate but its not enough without self harm so I have a dangerous concoction of dissociating while self harming. And then the SH started mildly and then I find I'm doing permament damage but I don't seem to care - what sort of sick cow am I - losing the will to care. After my first operation I thought it might give me a wake up call but it didn't. I've been told I'll end up killing myself but that doesen't seem to stop me either.

I've had every guilt trip given to me under the sun - what do you think you are doing to your family, friends, acquaintences, workers (some have had to seek supervision after dealing with a SH incident of mine) etc. I AM NOT proud of what I have done or do. I hate hurting those around me but guilt trips suck. They just make things far worse.



GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


Don't let the sphincter's get you down


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Old 15-09-2011, 04:12 PM   #27
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I really think you need to get back into therapy. What are the treatment options for you at the moment?



sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.

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Old 15-09-2011, 04:28 PM   #28
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Nil. Apart from being so helpfully told I will die at the rate I'm going - I do know that but there are no NHS female counsellors in my whole city. Just one man and I can't do therapy with a man due to abuse issues. I have begged for the past 15 months for a female counsellor but they haven't done anything about it yet! I can't afford one myself so I'm left stuck.

I have had 12 psychiatrists in the last 2 years and my latest one I haven't even met her yet. I've had 3 CPN's in the past two years and 2 social workers. My latest duo I've met once so far. There has been so little consistensey in my care for the past 3 years or so. I don't get the time to develop relationships and as soon as I start getting to know them they're off.

Thank fu*k for a decent GP practice.



GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


Don't let the sphincter's get you down


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Old 15-09-2011, 04:41 PM   #29
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Do you know why they leave so often? I think you need to tell the new psychiatrist that you desperately require some consistency in your care and that its having a severely detrimental impact on you and your health. I was going to suggest going private but you said you don't have the funds. Can you asked to be referred out of area?

Have you had a look at other IP centres?

I'm glad you have a decent GP. You may have to move down near me :P



sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.

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Old 16-09-2011, 10:27 AM   #30
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Hey Liddy, I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling so much, you are the last person that deserves to be hurting this way.

I'm sorry too that you are without professional help, I wish that I had some way that I could help you, all I guess that I can do is offer you my support and send you some strength. You've been so fantastic to me, you really dont know how much your advice has helped, please try and apply some of that compassion and kindness to yourself? I know it's so far away from easy, but you can do this, I know you can. Thinking of you and sending strength xx

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Old 16-09-2011, 11:37 AM   #31
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It is awful how inconsistant your care has been, for what it's worth i genuinely think you can get through this; i think it is a case of finding the right therapist combined with the right treatment and support. Don't let them fob you off hun, fight for the support. x x

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Old 16-09-2011, 11:41 AM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PilotVeteran View Post
Do you know why they leave so often?
Have you had a look at other IP centres?
My local mental health services are terrible and they have been having a change round of how they work and pushing filing cabinets around a room seems to take precidence over mental health care. Plus ending up in a PICU then a secure unit which both had locum psychiatrists all the time was unsettling. While I was there they hadn't any permament shrink in place and I was there 9 months!

I used to be seen a couple of times a week, then once a week, now its fortnightly which just isn't enough considering how ill I am at the moment. I know there are others out there struggling to get help too. Damn, my paranoia - I suddenly thought everyone would think that I thought that only I had the problem of struggling with lack of care.

I have one idea with C of an IP hospital but we're going to wait till I see my psychiatrist (yeah, the one I've never seen) and put the idea to her before going public which includes my next of kin - my dad. We also have an out patient package idea too so we are trying to think things out before seeing the shrink so that we make the most of our time with her. But its nearly 3 weeks away and I don't know how to cope till then.

Quote:
Originally Posted by melancholia View Post
Hey Liddy, I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling so much, you are the last person that deserves to be hurting this way.

I'm sorry too that you are without professional help, I wish that I had some way that I could help you, all I guess that I can do is offer you my support and send you some strength. You've been so fantastic to me, you really dont know how much your advice has helped, please try and apply some of that compassion and kindness to yourself? I know it's so far away from easy, but you can do this, I know you can. Thinking of you and sending strength xx
Thanks melancholia, you are very kind. I would always help you if I could and if you ever need me I'm here, you know where to find me :)

*catching the strength being sent my way and trying to hold onto it*

Lid xx



GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


Don't let the sphincter's get you down


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Old 16-09-2011, 06:33 PM   #33
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Sorry to keep crashing your threads with random questions but what was the PICU like?




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Old 16-09-2011, 07:16 PM   #34
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The PICU I went to was newly built - I was the first person to occupy room 5! It was a great place. They didn't have a permament psychiatrist - I had 3 locum psychiatrists while I was there but they were all nice.

It really helped me, I was there for 4 months. There were two OT's who were always about and available to do crafts with you and help keep you occupied. I had ECT while I was there which helped.

It was the only place out of all the places I have been to since I was 15 to figure me out and be one step ahead of me self harm wise. While I was there I didn't self harm (the longest I have gone in my 14 years of cutting) as my room was sparse and any possessions I had were carefully vetted first before I got them. I'd been to 10 units/hospitals by that point and none of them were on the ball like the PICU was. Please don't judge me, when you know my ''story'' you would understand the context of being to so many places.

If I had stayed there and continued treatment I truely believe that today I would be a lot better than I am now and my quality of life would be so much better. It was hard work and the building was sparse (not even allowed spray deodourant - it had to be a roll on) and there was a room to put you in if you kicked off (a padded room with one mattress on the floor) There was a women only room with a TV in it and the same for men. There was a TV in the main room. At christmas the only decorations that passed the PICU standards were paper chains. No tree or anything.

Unfortunately hospital politics put me next door in the LSU (low secure unit) after 4 months which cost less to stay in (I was there 5 months) but the staff were not on the ball, there were no OT's and I self harmed badly enough whilst on the LSU to need an operation. I would smuggle in things to self harm with (the LSU would let you on the grounds) and even though they made me undress and waved a airport scanner over me every time I got back from being out they found nothing. So in that unit I was not safe, I self harmed and the psychiatrist was a prick. They didn't continue my ECT there the bastards.


Last edited by fragile as glass : 16-09-2011 at 07:28 PM.


GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


Don't let the sphincter's get you down


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Old 18-09-2011, 12:07 PM   #35
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How are you today?



sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.

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Old 18-09-2011, 03:32 PM   #36
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I've been arguing with C - he's shouted at me 5 times in the past two days for no fair reason and it scares me when he shouts.

I'm fed up. Starving but too scared to eat at the moment -- I'll try at tea time.

I could do with a cut too :(



GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


Don't let the sphincter's get you down


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Old 18-09-2011, 03:38 PM   #37
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Do you think you could tell C that it scares you when he shouts, or if you don't feel able to say it, maybe write it down and give it to him? He might not realize how much it affects you.

I'm glad to hear you're going to try to eat at tea time, I hope you're able to manage it.

Why do you feel the need to cut right now? Do you think you could try to 'pick apart' the urges you're having and try to figure out the emotion behind it? For instance, if you want to cut because you're scared, is there something else you can do to ease that feeling of being frightened?

I'm here if you need anything.
xx








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Old 18-09-2011, 04:03 PM   #38
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Can you hold off with the cutting until x factor comes on and then you might feel a bit better.

Sorry im low on words but wanted to send more hugs!



sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.

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Old 18-09-2011, 07:30 PM   #39
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I am waiting for the x factor to distract me!

C knows he scares me when he shouts but recently he's changed in his personality and I don't know why. He's my official carer too so he has to be around at the moment which is hard.

I think I need to cut because I don't want to feel the upset im feeling and the desperation and I really dont trust myself to keep safe, ideas of what i could do to hurt myself are running through my head.

Didn't manage tea :(

I think it was that or cut and going without tea is the safer option. I'm fat enough already so my body won't starve.



GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


Don't let the sphincter's get you down


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Old 19-09-2011, 01:30 PM   #40
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Thinking of you x



sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.

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