Triggering (SI) - getting help?

Ghostface · 10-07-2008, 02:15 AM

Im just wondering what to do. Im not at my worst now. Ive been worse. But ill probably get worse, i feel it. Ive started SI-ing again. First time in 9 days or so. Havent been cutting for 14 days. But it was only because i was going on holliday.
I was looking forward to get home, so I could cut as much as I wanted. That was like my "award", what kept me from doing it those days. But now I cant even seem to make myself cut. I did it today. But nothing bad. I dont know why im not able to do it "properly", and it kinda scares me. Cause i need to cut to be able to keep going, and if even that's not working, what the hell am i supposed to do? Where am I supposed to turn?
Everything's gonna get bottled up and im gonna get a breakdown and do something really stupid or something.

I was accepted into the school I was applying for today. International school. I should be happy, cause its hard to get into. Im also getting my own place. But I cant seem to think about the future. I dont know how im supposed to keep going. My psych wrote a letter to the school and told them about my problems, or as she called it " a short and minor period of depression". I mean, wtf, ive been suffering from this for several years. She also wrote that my grades would be better if I hadnt been sick, and that i was on medication now, and would be able to do much better in school because of it. I kinda feel like thats one of the reasons i was accepted. Cause my grades were not bad, but i think the average was a little too low for a "normal" person to get accepted.
The problem is; im not better, at all.

Im not getting any treatment or anything at the time being. I told my psych once that i felt like it wasnt helping, and by that she obviously thought I didnt need any help, and she told me i didnt have to come down anymore.

So, i have no idea what to do. To be honest. I kinda feel like if i should be hospitilized, it would be better if it happened now, during the hollidays, and not when school has started.That maybe, just maybe we could be able to "fix" it a little so i could avoid having a total breakdown when school starts. I know it's a stupid thought, and that it probably wouldnt help. Im just sick of not getting any help at all.

Seems like they're thinking that im not really depressed, for some odd reason. Or at least they dont think i qualify to get help.

Im not suicidal. But I have been, and im scared ill become it again.

Ghostface · 10-07-2008, 03:03 AM

I dont have any pills left either. I've used everything I could find.

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.

But she doesnt notice that they're gone. She refuses to use them, and she has like 100 different vitamin pills and stuff, so she never notices if anything's missing.

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Mogsy · 10-07-2008, 10:03 AM

So Sad you're feeling like you do - but I also know what you are talking about.I remember when i went to visit my sister and couldnt sh then came home and was glad i could get back to it. But somehow i couldnt do it the same. That soon changed though and Im back to ritualistic cutting.
However, back to you - I really feel you are very confused and that you DO need professional help. You must ask for it - people wont come knocking on your door, unfortunately - you have to go and say how you are struggling and especially about the over dosing - it will only cause trouble for you if it goes on. Please,please get help - I really think you need to get your thoughts sorted with someone who knows how to help you. I care as do very many others I know - please feel free to PM me if you want.
All my best wishes
Mo xx

Ghostface · 10-07-2008, 04:36 PM

Thanks :)

But I feel like ive already asked for help. Ive been in/out of the system for a while. Each time I got medication and they decided I didnt need more help or something. Im just too tired to care sometimes. And im tired of trying. I feel like I have to beg to get any help at all. But on the other hand. Ive had 2 different psychs over the past year, and it hasnt been helping at all. I guess im just a hopeless case. I just have to get away somehow.

I feel so ****ing alone. Im always home. I don't see why I bother anymore. I have no reason to go on. Well, apart from the fact that im really scared of dying, and that deep down I wanna live; it's just too hard.
Day out and day in, the same mess.

And I have these stupid thoughts... that im not worthy getting any help. That's why they keep telling me I dont have to come anymore. Thats why they dont wanna help me.

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Mogsy · 10-07-2008, 06:42 PM

Hey kiddo - it's funny but I can sooo identify with so much of what you are saying...It s such a hard place to be in. not knowing what to do and fgeeliijg like you're wasting everyone's time. I frequently feel like a "hopeless case" and have been in the system for many years but you just have to push on and believe that whatever happens things will change - life's like that, it changes all the time and no one can stay the same forever.
I am erm.. much more mature than you (ok OLD!!!) and Ive come to find that everything goes in phases.What Im trying to say (not very well) is that there will defo be some better times ahead - you just have to be glad of all the little good things that make you happy, even if its for a short time.
I do believe you dont want to die, you just dont want to live in the place you are just now. Thats really understandable, but use this site or whatever means you can to get through the bad phase and good will follow. Sorry if I dound like a big cliche, but Ive had years of hell one way or another and if I had died when I nearly did, there are so many thiings I would have missed.
Hang in there girl and you WILL get there!!
Mo x

Ghostface · 11-07-2008, 07:07 PM

Thanks :) It's true what you're saying, it's just so hard to focuse on the positive stuff.

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I was talking to a girl who's going the same place as me, or the place i was going(were my psych was). And she's getting hospitilized. I know its stupid, but im so frickin jealous