I think I'm ready to give up but there are so many practicalities that would get in the way. If I fall any further I may not consider the practicalities any more and just push through them. I don't know what to do because I can't tell anyone since I can't make phone calls easily and I feel like no one really hears me other than my CPN. They don't know me well enough. I'm alone and trapped.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I can appreciate that you feel like your CPN is the only one who would understand, and you're probably right that other people wouldn't be as good at responding to you but maybe they could still help a bit? And maybe over time they will get to know you and be able to understand in the way that your CPN does.
Thanks. I don't feel comfortable asking for more support from the stand in CPN. At this point my own CPN would either increase my support or think about a short hospital stay, I can't say these things to the stand in CPN. She sent me workbooks which shows that she really doesn't know me, in my opinion I'm way too far in my mental illness journey for workbooks to have any effect.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Well, I can see why you'd find workbooks to be a unhelpful suggestion, but in fairness the stand-in CPN isn't really expected to know you super-well yet, but given the chance maybe she would get to know better. For example, you could explain why you don't find the workbooks helpful and that gives her a bit more insight into you and your struggles.
I know you just want your old CPN back, but currently that's not an option due to her being unwell so could trying to get to know her replacement (and vice versa) a little better be the best option? Or indeed, least worst option!
It feels like there's so much to explain about me and I can't even explain it in tiny bits. I'm mute, especially on the phone with professionals who don't know me. I don't know how to make the calls with the stand in CPN any better, it's my fault. I am very low on words so the stand in CPN might find it hard to pick out what I'm trying to say. I'm trying, I'm trying. I am grateful for any support I have. If it's just going to be a rushed lacking in understanding call I'll have to just be thankful for human contact and hope that she can talk to me regularly instead of changing my appointment times so much.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Would it help to have like a bullet point list of things that you think are most important for the stand in cpn to know?
Or could you ask for a face to face appointment? I know it's hard because of covid but it sounds like you really need the support
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I usually write something but it's hard to incorporate things into a discussion because of course conversation is not one way. The health centre is still closed but the stand in CPN said maybe we could go for a walk, I'm not sure what I'd rather do. I'm waiting for her phoning to arrange an appointment but I don't know when that will be.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Yes that's true.
Could you try saying something like 'i have some things to say' so she can give you a chance to tell her what you've written down?
A walk could be good.
Has she not given another appointment? That's appalling
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
She was off last week and was meant to be back this week but wasn't. She had an operation so maybe she needed more rest time. I don't know when she'll be back. I'm not very good at steering the conversation and I'd feel rude telling her what I need to say. I will try though, my notes for her are very short right now, it's been so long since I've spoken to her that I can't go through everything but I have mentioned the main thing that has a hold over me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Just to say- I wasn't implying in anyway that you weren't being grateful enough for the support you have (something in your response made me worry that you thought that!).
I think Beckie's advice is very sensible and wise. I hope that the stand-in person is back very soon and that you might feel able to take her up on the offer of a walk and that you'll find that a much easier environment for talking than on the phone.
You didn't make me think that at all Jenna, don't worry.
Everything is so emotionally painful, and I can't seem to occupy myself. I've just been self harming to try and clear my head but then the distress comes back again. I don't know how much more of life I can take. I need some support but I'm stupid enough not to be able to access it. I can't get into a book at the moment which is making things worse. I'm very suicidal but still holding on because I'll never get it right. I haven't had proper CPN support for months now. Someone will say I managed to get through ok without it and I'll be discharged. I can't do what I want to do because I might need medical attention and I'm not going anywhere near a hospital with how things are right now. I wish I could push past human anxiety and get on with suicide. I can't make life and mental illness and myself shut up.
Last edited by one_step_closer : 17-12-2020 at 06:39 PM.
Reason: typo
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
So low again. I'm on the highest dose of my antidepressant which my psych was reluctant to put me on because she said people don't tolerate it well. I've had no problems with it but it hasn't improved my mood either, just my sleep. Maybe it's external things that make me low. I don't want to be taken off my antidepressant and not be put on another one because I know that would be worse. I guess I'm just going to have to take it as it is.
Today I took a batch of meds to the chemist to be gotten rid of. I sometimes have ended up taking my morning meds at night so then there are extra night meds which count for how some of the meds piled up. I also sometimes forget to take my lunch time or evening meds. When I looked at them all yesterday I wanted to take them all but then I might end up needing treatment and I wouldn't want to have to get that in hospital.
It's my birthday tomorrow and it will be harder to get through. I can barely tolerate normal days as it is. If only I had no family who need me, then it would remove one of the hurdles that make it difficult for me to kill myself. I need some support. I need my CPN.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Lindsay, i hear you and i want to wish you happy birthday today. I don't Think they'll discharge you. They know how much you've struggled before the virus and they'll know that with the very little and rare support you've gotten it Will certainly not have improved anything. This is a situation where those with the most resources are getting the little help that is available and that does not mean you are stupid for not being able to access it. I never agree to a temp support worker when mine goes on vacation. I can't be arsed talking to someone who deosn't know me. It's not just you, i Think many of us feel the same.
Anyways, i hope you've had a birthday which was as nice as possible. Even if i don't always reply, you're often in my thoughts. Xx
Thank you all. I'm not feeling great but that's the same as every day. I can't stand to think how many more days are going to be like this, feeling this emotional pain and having no one around to help me through. The CMHT just tell me to call the Duty CPNs if I need to but I can't. They are for serious stuff. The informal crisis team work from 10am to 10pm at the weekend but usually someone answers who I can't talk to, and I rarely get to the point of actually calling them anyway. Then I wouldn't even know what to say. I'm trapped in my misery.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think what you're going through would be serious enough to call rhe duty cpns.
You're going through some serious pain and I hear how distressed you are and you need some help. Real help. Not to be fobbed off by professionals.
I wish I knew what to say. But I would urge you to call the duty cpns if you can
Sending lots of love to you lindsay
You are cared about and valued here
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I'm feeling really awful, more than usual. The chemist was closed yesterday and they forgot to give me extra meds the day before so I didn't have any meds yesterday or my morning meds today which hasn't helped. I'm really suicidal and low, it's clinging onto me. I got my meds today so I have my afternoon and night meds and tomorrow morning's. I have an appointment with the stand in CPN on Thursday but I don't know how much it will help. My brother is maybe being passed on to MH services in the community after having counselling with a voluntary organisation and I'm really worried his life will become just like mine. This has been my worst nightmare for a long time and now it could be coming true.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Curveball
