Triggering (SI/Abuse) - seing my bullies sidekick i cant deal with it

[bleedingdragon]

i cant deal with stuff anymore im tired of going through this sh*t
ive just ranted about my bully, too tired to write it, but im gonna try

went to a park today with my mum to listen to a brass band, i only went for her, i look up to see ....er........omg.....omg
there is my bullies sidekick ...arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
sh*t.....sh*t ....omg i cant deal with the emotions inside there gonna make me explode...............

damn damn wher is he wheres my bully im franticly looking round now he my bullies sidekick is talking to someone who looks like my bully
arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhh
scream..........scream...................
it cant be him it cant im gonna run right here right now.................
im scanning them its not my bully i cant deal thank god for that.....but then he might be here to i cant stand this
its tearing me apart
cant see my bully but the sidekick is there stood there im crying my eyes out trying to hide them, e


verything is getting out of hand im drowning here its gonna take control
we have to leave we have to go i cant deal with this. we set of im sheilding myself with my mum im ready to run ready to fight
im loosing it im scanning everyone around is he here , is he here

everone who looks like my bullies sidekick or my bully is triggering me
my poor mum is being shunted about im

stopping and starting ready to stand my ground and run like hell

my bullying stopped a year ago at work, left my job on ill health ,
but im still tormented my bully lives locally arhhh.

this just showws me hes still inside me so much and hes screwed my
bloody life up completly, i wish you were both dead , im about to crack i cant go through this sh*t
anymore its destroying me, hell just destroy me for gods sake stop
this hellish battle inside im sick of it im sick of everything

i cant escape it................................................ ...................
i will never have justice........................................... ................
i will never have justice........................................... ..........
i cant live without justice........................................... .....

i cant go on like this im wounded inside and its killing me
hes free to roam around not punished while i suffer so much
my nurse just tells me to stop being depressed and negative and saying everythings negative everytime i go to my sessions
she doesnt listen to my wanting to escape she throws it back in my facee
i cant get over my marriage truama ,abuse, my bullying yet,
im alone with this burden no one will listen to me anymore
im tired of this fight im holding onto seing a psychologist but i dont know if
i will be allowed to see one, if i cant thats it im gonna give up

im fighting everything alone apart from ryl, hell you lot mean so much,
but
im still battling my s**t alone inside without them, the professionals supporting me the nurse isnt listening to me for one,

if i see my bullies sidekick or my bully i cant go through that again i just cant
today proved what they still do to me and im not gonna go through that
im scared of what ill do or say i cant face life im one screwed up headcase,

there are just too many of them to battle......................................



Dave






i

[perfection is a flaw]

*hugs* im sorry you had too see them again, i know what its like to be that scared of someone. but youre not alone - you have always have ryl.
i really think you should ask to see a new nurse though. its her job to be supportive of you not tell you 'to stop being depressed and negative'.
take care
x x x x

[bleedingdragon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by perfection is a flaw

*hugs* im sorry you had too see them again, i know what its like to be that scared of someone. but youre not alone - you have always have ryl.
i really think you should ask to see a new nurse though. its her job to be supportive of you not tell you 'to stop being depressed and negative'.
take care
x x x x

Thank you for your hugs,
They mean alot to me right now, thanks for saying ryl is here if it wasnt for ryl holding me up i dont know what id do.well i do know what id do, im trying not to do that but its hard.
just so scared dont know if i can go through facing either of them again

im trying to hold on till i get confirmation i can see a psychologist, but dont know if i can see one, and even when i could see one.
I cant wait too long.
this is my second nurse, first one did so many u turns and messed my head up leaving me no hope, second one still doesnt understand .

im scared of asking for another nurse, my second one thinks everythings ok, she will say im being obstructive or something, im not, im trying to be
honest about how i feel.Its so hard to stand up to them.

thank you for caring thank you for hugs

Dave

[perfection is a flaw]

i take it your nurse is on the nhs?? your nurse sounds far too typical of their sub-standard of staff not to be - ive had nothing but **** from them and i havent heard from/of anyone whos had any sustained good 'service'. having said that please do keep asking for another nurse or a psych there are a rare few people who are actually worth seeing. could you get your gp to write them a letter? they normally listen to another 'professional' even if they dont listen to you.
stay strong
lizzie

[bleedingdragon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by perfection is a flaw

i take it your nurse is on the nhs?? your nurse sounds far too typical of their sub-standard of staff not to be - ive had nothing but **** from them and i havent heard from/of anyone whos had any sustained good 'service'. having said that please do keep asking for another nurse or a psych there are a rare few people who are actually worth seeing. could you get your gp to write them a letter? they normally listen to another 'professional' even if they dont listen to you.
stay strong
lizzie

Lizzie,
er..Hugs thanks, yes NHS grrrrrrrrrr, i went to my dr after nurses latest words, and showed him my dark artwork and what my nurse said to me. Told dr i need to see a psychologist, he looked at me as if to say theres no reason why i shouldnt see a psychologist, so hes on my side, hes written them a letter requesting a psychologist for me.

I hate the lot of em drs, psychiatrists, comm nurses, they all say and do so many different things no wonder im screwed up.

I dont know wether to wait n see if i get a psych i was told it wasnt quick if i did see one sigh, if i do, i will have to wait and what do i do.
I will still have to see nurse, unless i complain again grrrrrr, and ask for a third nurse hell this is crazy.
i will try and get up enough courage to ask for new nurse, i feel so damn bad as if im a trouble maker and im in the wrong i just wanna give up,
grrrrrrrr.

hugs you
thank you for your support right now

Dave
















since my team and nurse warn me off because im to unstable if i get psychologist and end my life they wont have it. Im not out to cause anyone problems i need help for gods sake..er sorry,

[svenn]

*hugs*
you are not a trouble maker. you are just asking a person to do her job. and it is her job. is she is unwilling then you have every right to get another. it sounds like this is a common problem with the health care system. so if you complain you are helping change the system and that helps other people as well. you are worth good care.
namaste

[~JellyBaby~]

Hey Dave, sorry i havent replied, I've been away...for reasons i can't really disclose on the forums but if ya wants to know i'll talk to you bout them on teh MSN.
First off, *big big huggles* like svenn said, you are not making trouble in any way, you are asking her to do her job and help you and she behaving in an unnacceptable manner, i know you don't wish to seem difficult but they should understand if you wish to see another different nurse, which i strongly advise you do, because although you have your doctor behind you, he may not always be available, you need more support out there than one doctor and us lot, we can talk to you but we can't actively do anything. The system is crazy, but as we've found out with my illness, you don't get anywhere unless you push for the help you need, so don't let them slack off Dave, push for the third nurse, and ask if there is a choose and book system for the psychologist, this way they make your initial appointment for you, but once you get confirmation through by post, you get details such as a patient no. and a password, and you can use these to log into the appointments system yourself, and book earlier appointments if the become available, so, just by checking the system daily you could get a much earlier appointment.

Seeing your bullies and/or your sidekicks again must be so difficult, terrifying, and i'm sorry i can't help you through it very well. All i know is that you must try and stay strong and at the time show them they aren't getting to you, even though when you get home you may feel the need to cry or yell or scream or SI (please don't if you can help it honey, try the alternatives) try and keep the emotions where they're not, so they can't see that they hurt you.

Be safe and stay strong Old dragon friend.
Lotsa Love,xxxx

[bleedingdragon]

Amy Hugs,
your reply is truly appreciated , please dont appologise for not replying, i have some idea of why youve been away, i will try and talk with you , its so hard right now i just struggle alot.

Thanks for huggles they help alot, i feel like a trouble maker they way they treated me, Im worried now cause i went back to next appointment
and nurse threw it in my face for requesting a psychologist. She discharged me there and then, im alone and no support, i was told if i want to see a psychologist, i cant see a nurse, so i said i need a psychologist. I cant see a psychologist for 4 months, sigh , i hope i last, and if i do see one it will only be an assesment, not sessions, if i get sessions it will be 6 more months before i get appointments. What have i done, 10 months i cant wait that long .

What im scared of is getting a third nurse only to be screwed up again from what i was told there isnt a choose and book system for a psychologist.
Its a "you want a psychologist" ok well we are discharging you, you cant see us and be on a waiting list for psychologist . oh and by the way there 96 people infront of you .

i need more support but i wont get it how can i ,

I cant go through seing the bullies sidekick again, i dred seing the bully if i was so screwed up by seing the sidekick grrrrrrrr. Thats why i have to escape, whenever i see them, i would fall apart i cant let them see me in pieces it would mess me up . Im trying to stay strong its crippling me. crippling me arhhhhhhh.

Amy your words are comforting
thanks
Dave

[~JellyBaby~]

Dave, Big Hugs, please don't worry too much about me, you have a lot to deal with at the moment.

Making you feel like a trouble maker is wrong, it's hardly going to help when they know you have depression, the way they've made you feel is unnacceptable and I think, if you have the strength you should complain, because, firstly, they've set your recovery back by making you feel guilty and alone and secondly, maybe that way they can rectify the way they treat their patients before they make another person like you feel the same.

Discharging you, was again wrong, but the NHS is useless and so stretched that they can't but discharge people as soon as they take another route. The fact that you were discharged can't be helped now and 10 months IS a long wait, but I know you can make it, and meanwhile I would talk to your doctor about getting you into a free counselling centre to tide you over, it's not the best, but it will hopefully help and give you a little of the support you need.

The lack of choose and book is disappointing, but don't be discouraged, you can make it through this wait. I know you're scared another nurse will scre you up, but if you don't try you won't know, try to gather the strength to give them a chance.

I know you're terrified of seeing your bully's sidekick or the bully again, if you feel you can, go out anyway and try and show them you're a survivor, if you feel you're not ready yet, go out, but to other places, a new coffee shop for instance, although, I often find when I am feeling down a quiet walk in the country, beside a river or along the moors/ clifftops is helpful as it allows me to be alone with my thoughts and explore my feelings in peace.

I know the support you need is more from the NHS than anything, but you have a support thread in vets support now, I hope it goes some way to helping.

Lots of love and big hugs.

xXxXx

[svenn]

*great big hugs for dave*