Feeling nothing...

nonperson · 28-10-2017, 08:50 PM

I'm sort of copying this from my journal.... I'm not really sure if I want a response or not, but I'm ****ing drunk right now and... I just don't know any more.

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I think there must be something wrong with me.

I cut today and it doesn't bother me. All I think is "wow, I've forgotten how bright blood can be!" Even though I see it every day. I suppose it's the difference in quantities...

But also the actual cuts don't bother me. I don't feel anything. I don't feel upset, I'm not in emotional turmoil and I'm not even disappointed in myself for going back to it after so many years. I feel a little bit pleased of what I managed to do and that my pain tolerance isn't as bad as I thought it would be after so long. That may be because I've got so much scar tissue....

I almost feel that because I'm now much more mature that I've got it under control. I'm probably just trying to convince myself though.

Maybe this is why people turn to drugs.... to feel something. The only drug at my disposal is alcohol, which once I've done my essential chores for the day (food shopping... eugh....) I will be drinking as soon as possible. I'm not sure if that'll be enough.... sometimes I feel like I need something more... but I don't hang out in the right circles.

Oh well.

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****ing drunk right now, alone.... How pathetic. I'm not sure why I'm posting this.

Pi.R^2 · 30-10-2017, 07:48 PM

Just to let you know that I've read your post and if you do want to talk, feel free to post again.

nonperson · 30-10-2017, 07:53 PM

I'm not really sure what I was after from that post but thank you taking the time to reply.

nonperson · 18-11-2017, 12:02 AM

Why do I do it if it doesn't make me feel anything?

I think it must do... I just can't describe it. But even afterwards... I dunno, I just patch myself up and carry on. Doesn't seem right...

Pi.R^2 · 18-11-2017, 08:27 PM

Can you describe what tends to be going on before you end up self harming? Maybe that will shed some light on the reasons behind it.

nonperson · 18-11-2017, 11:48 PM

Interesting question. I'm not sure I can answer it... I think maybe it's a sort of blankness... and then SI gives me something all-encompassing to focus on? Not sure.

Sketchy · 20-11-2017, 02:19 AM

I’ve read your post and I’m here if you want to talk.

Sometimes it’s hard to find a reason for it. It can become habitual, or sometimes we just don’t know why, but perhaps there is a reason that’s hard to pinpoint.
Do you have someone to talk about this with? Are you getting help?

nonperson · 20-11-2017, 05:01 PM

Thanks Sketchy.

I actually keep forgetting I even posted this thread...!

I'm not getting help and I don't really have any one to talk to, other than the internet.

Sketchy · 20-11-2017, 07:10 PM

Would you think about getting help? If you feel it would be beneficial.

Keep talking here too for support. You don’t have to be alone here.

nonperson · 20-11-2017, 10:49 PM

I've thought about getting help but I'm not ready for that. It's never been particularly helpful in the past...

Plus I'm currently in the stage of thinking I've got everything under control.

one_step_closer · 20-11-2017, 10:57 PM

Maybe if you think about what made the help you had in the past not very helpful then you could work out what might be good for you and see if you could get better support. I'm sure you'll know when you reach the point when you think you'd like to try getting some support again. In the meantime keep posting here as much as you need to.

nonperson · 26-11-2017, 08:02 PM

I'm not sure why it's not been helpful - it's been ok for a bit and then either my sessions have run out or I back out of it. I can't honestly remember. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say?

What would I say to a doctor/counsellor....?

"I cut myself and drink too much..."
Doctor says "Why?"
I say... "No reason".

*shrug*

Today I'm thinking that maybe I'm just making all of this up...

Sketchy · 26-11-2017, 09:21 PM

When they ask why, it’s ok to say you don’t know why. Sometimes it feels like there is no reason because we can’t pinpoint it.

nonperson · 26-11-2017, 09:53 PM

I understand that, but it's not the same.... I feel like I'd be lying or making it up somehow.

Something just doesn't feel right. I'm not sure if I'm losing touch a little...

Sketchy · 26-11-2017, 10:00 PM

Well, if you can’t reach out for help just now, perhaps don’t rule it out in the future. In the meantime you have us. Keep posting here for support.

nonperson · 26-11-2017, 10:14 PM

Thanks.

nonperson · 03-12-2017, 10:15 PM

I'm not sure if this belongs here or not.

I've had a strange weekend. It was a three day weekend (had Friday off instead of going to our work Christmas meal) and I was worried what was going to happen with three whole days to myself. I had a very long lie in on Friday and then went for a walk with my friend in the afternoon which was nice. Her husband was trying to get me to go to a Pokemon raid with him and his Pokefriends in the evening but I declined. They make me feel weird and out of place...

Saturday was a write off. I didn't get dressed all day and couldn't even bring myself to go outside into my own garden to mow the lawn. Rubbish.

Today's been better but more out of necessity. I had to go food shopping so that meant I had to be dressed... >.> Now I just feel weird - tired and energetic at the same time. How is that possible?

Haven't hurt myself in the cutting sense but I had a horrible out-of-control unsafe night during the week... which was actually pretty scary looking back at it...

*shrug*

Pi.R^2 · 03-12-2017, 10:41 PM

It sounds really confusing and stressful for you. What helped you stay safe during the horrible night?

Is there anything that you think you would find enjoyable at the moment?

nonperson · 03-12-2017, 10:48 PM

I think pure luck help me stay safe.

Er... and just chatting to people is enjoyable right now. Oddly.

nonperson · 04-12-2017, 12:20 AM

Wish I had someone to share this feeling with.