If u want the Rainbow,u gotta put up with the Rain
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
I am currently:
There are no words. 'I miss you' just doesn't cut it. It's not enough. It doesn't go anywhere near the depth of feeling. Its getting harder again lately. I guess watching another loved one die from the same bastard disease was bound to bring it all up again. And it would be so much easier doing this again if you were here. You'd know what to say, what to do. I do my best, but you would do it better. He says he's not scared cos he knows you'll be waiting. I hope that's true, but it's only a hope. Same as you I guess. But if you are still out there somewhere, help us, please. I don't want him to die, but he's going too, so more than that, I don't want him to suffer. I don't want him to suffer as awfully as you did. We're trying our best for him Dad, trying to keep him as pain free as possible, but we tried for you too and we failed didn't we. I'm so sorry for what you went through. Again, words that don't mean enough, don't say enough, don't convey the depth of feeling.
I remember when I first met E, you'd like her Dad she's such a genuine person, and it had been three years since her Dad passed and she seemed so sorted and strong and brave. This is year 3 now since you've been gone and I can barely believe it. And I don't feel any of those things. I walked out of uni the other day and for no reason at all I started crying just because I missed you so much. Just came out of nowhere. What I wouldn't give just to chat to you. I miss your sense of humour and your stories and your advice and just everything about talking to you. I wish I could go back in time, just to talk to you. I miss you so so so so much and it hurts so much that there's nothing I can do about it. No way around it. Can't bargain or complain or save enough money to make it all better again. There's just nothing. And its unbearable.
'Where did I go wrong
My life's a bargain basement, all the good shits gone
Hey Nan, I'm going to see a medium thing on Monday. I know how much you loved that sort of thing. And I really hope that you can be there, please? Things have been really tough lately and I miss you and your voice and reassurance. Please, tell me it's going to be ok?
I don't know what to do tonight. It is breaking my heart. I try so, so hard to look after everyone, to make everything happy, to help everyone out. I do everything for us. And it turns out that nobody else can be bothered to do anything at all for me.
I am so unhappy. I am trying so hard and I miss you so much. I just need my mummy. I need a hug. I need somebody to help me for once. I hate this. I miss it all.
I miss you, I need you to be here with me. You promised you'd never leave me, but you did. I miss the way you used to be able to get through to me when no-one else could, I miss the way you'd make me laugh, I miss everything about you.
I understand that you couldn't keep fighting, I really do, but it hurts so much. It hurts that I'm trying (and somewhat failing) to live up to others expectations, I know the pain that I and everyone who loves and misses you feels, and it means that I'm bound to life... I can't bear the thought of knowing that others really would care if I came to join you wherever you are.
I don't know Jo, just be here, please. I know you're still here, in my heart forever... but I need to feel you here... I need you... I can't make things go back to how they were, but I also can't seem to accept that they won't be the same.
Miss you always, time doesn't seem to be making things any easier xxxx lyl anf xxxx
“No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality.”
― Shirley Jackson, The Haunting of Hill House
I got to talk about you and remember you today, and it brought home to me two things particularly; you were an incredibly special person, and I miss you very much. All the good things in life were taught to me by you; the world can take everything away from you but as long as you have your smile and your dignity then you'll always be the winner. You brought so much sunshine, I'll never forget you; I'm so proud to have known you.
I know in my heart that you'd be so proud of me.
I miss you, Pauline.
We all do.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
I could really use your help right now. If it is you that I keep seeing and not hallucinations or my head tricking me can you give me a sign? Come and talk to me for a bit again? Tell me how to be brave like you were.
I hope you can see me and you know I still love you. I promise I will help her more when I'm stable. I am not gonna abandon her. I promise.
I love you...just show me you're still around somewhere?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I'm missing you soo much right now the pain i'm really is unreal.
I've cried more over the last few days for you than what I have in a long time and everyone is really finding this time hard.
I hope you can see all the fundraising and stuff i'm doing in your name and i'm sure you was with me on Thursday because I see the feather. I really hope you was with me because I met one of your idols but it hurts so bad you wasn't with me to meet her and that you won't be with me on the start line next month.
I love you soo much and that will never change. You'll always be my best friend weather your hear or not!
miss you and love you loads lucy locket!
xxxxx
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
It's been over a year now but I still miss you everyday. You were/are amazing. Wish Lily could of met you before that cruel disease took you. I know she's a gift from you, so thank you, because you saved me through her. I'll always love you.
Your Rebecca.
xxxx
thank you, Lily, for saving mummy's life*.
You are my one and only, you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight, and you'll be alright.
Junior, I still can't believe you are gone. You were 23. You were getting back into your pro-cyclying. I just wish you'd been injured a little bit longer so you'd not been in that race.
You were just a small bump unborn and torn from life,
maybe you were needed up there and we're still unaware as why.
Here is your candle little one.
I feel sad for all the things that could have been and never were.
I've learnt now that losing you was not my fault and I'm not to blame.
It was just never meant to be.
Yes some dreams come true
and yes some dreams fall through
but the time has come for us to say goodbye
This grief is not for the loss of a life but for a life that never got the chance to start.
I would have loved you more than anything in the world
I would have protected you and kept you safe.
I would have held you and not let go.
You would have never known a single day alone.
Rest in peace Angel.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Well I hope you had a good birthday sweetheart. This time of year is always hard and I think about you and what could of been even more than usual. I'm lucky though I have some amazing friends who helped me through again this year...I was never supposed to love past our 16th birthday and here I am past our 23rd who'd have thought it hey? I still struggle and I would still give anything to have the chance to know you and grow up with you. I wonder all the time what life would have been like had you survived and wed have been two halves of a whole. But I'm trying and I hope you're proud of me. I love you, forever and always <3 xxx
Location: In a glass vial in the pocket of a beautiful mind.
I am currently:
I want to be where you are.
rhap·so·dy - an ecstatic expression of feeling or enthusiasm. ♫
"Sacrifice is the most you can love someone." ♥
“Love was at best an excuse for stupidity, at worst a destructive, dangerous emotion that drove men to acts of annihilation which defied logic. It was a twisted, insidious sentiment used to justify everything from spoiling a child to destroying entire civilizations.”
18 years today. I say the same thing every year and wonder if you'd have been proud of me, because you would still be living with us.. I hope you would be this year. I know it's not been perfect but I have improved and am moving on and making slow progress.. Dad's happy and pleased with me. He and uncle A are happy with their new wives and your grandkids are nearly all married. I think you'd have liked to be surrounded by everyone; all 4 generations. I have no idea where we'd all fit but it would be epic. Thinking of you <3
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..