Why is it happening again?

[Natsy2512]

I started self harming 12 years ago and have been free of it for 10 years. Over the last few months I have suffered with anxiety and depression and I have started self harming again. ( i am taking antidepressants) I am managing to keep it from my boyfriend and family but it's getting harder. I struggle to leave home in the mornings without self harming. I've spent the last 10 years dealing with, accepting, and explaining my scars and i thought it was a part of my past and never imagined it would be part of my future.
I'm feeling stuck because I don't want to keep self harming but I can't stop either. I also don't want to lie to the people closest to me.
Sorry for the rambling post I wanted to off load to people who won't judge me.

[nonperson]

I completely understand. I also stopped for about 8 years and stuff made me come back to it again even though I swore I was done with it.

Has something changed recently to make you start again? What helped you to stop last time?

[Stellata]

What's going on in your life right now? What feelings are you struggling with, beneath the self harm?

[Natsy2512]

It started just after christmas. I started feeling really panicky and unhappy but i was unable to recognise why. I started self harming as a way of dealing with my feelings because I didn't feel like I could tell anyone how unhappy I was. Now I just feel guilty because i'm self harming. I do feel better in myself but I still can't stop.

[Stellata]

I'm glad you feel better in yourself now.
It sounds like the self harm has become like a habit, got a life of it's own. You can get your control back, one step at a time.
How about starting a diary of when you self harm, what your feelings were at the time, that might help you start to recognise patterns and make changes?

[Natsy2512]

I think your right the self harm has become a habit. Keeping a diary is a good idea thankyou. I hate feeling like i'm lying to everyone by telling them I feel better when i'm still cutting.

[Stellata]

I hope it helps. You can let us know how things go if you like?

[Natsy2512]

I will do. I tried really hard this morning and managed to not cut myself untill 5 mins before i needed to leave. But i started having a panic attack and couldn't catch my breath. It was probably the worst I have cut myself this time round

[Stellata]

Well done for holding on and not cutting for some time. But it sounds like maybe holding on made it worse? Perhaps damage limitation is key at the moment?
How are you doing now?

[Natsy2512]

Honestly not great. It's getting harder to ignore the urges. I feel like I want to do it all the time. I think holding on did make it worse. I'm not going to be able to hide it from my boyfriend for much longer which just makes me feel worse.

[Stellata]

What's the biggest feeling behind the urges?
What are you afraid might happen if your boyfriend finds out?

[Natsy2512]

It's the feeling that I need to cut to be able to carry on with my day and feel normal. If I don't i feel panicky again. I worry that if he finds out that he will be upset and angry. We've been together 10 years but we wern't together last time.

[Stellata]

What does cutting help with in terms of coping, what feelings does it numb? It sounds like anxiety is a big part of it for you?

Why would he be angry?

[Natsy2512]

When i feel anxious if i cut it eases so I can cope with the rest of the day.
I think it is the not knowing how he will react. He might not be angry but I don't know and i find that scary

[Stellata]

Has he ever been angry with you?

[Natsy2512]

He's been angry over things but never really angry. And i'm probably over thinking it and worrying for nothing.

[Stellata]

Sounds like his emotions are pretty balanced. It's understandable you'd feel more vulnerable at the moment.

[Natsy2512]

Because this is something he won't understand i don't know how balanced hisbemotions will be. But i am going to try and tell him over the weekend

[Stellata]

I think it might be a relief to tell him, as the pressure of a secret is less? You never know, he might be able to help you...

[Natsy2512]

Your right on both points Stellata. We're going away this weekend so it would be a good time to tell him. I'm going to try really hard to tell him. I don't want to keep lying to him. Thankyou