I haven't written anything in ages. Lack of inspiration. Thoughts?
The white door creaks as I unlock and exit it; I walk out to come face to face with my reflection. I usually avoided the randomly placed mirrors within the school but in the toilets you could barely escape them, compensation for the stereotypical vanity of my gender. Brilliant. I only catch a glimpse of my bloodshot blue eyes before I turn away to the sink, methodically washing, rinsing then rinsing again. I notice the water tinting slightly, sigh and turn back to the cubicle. Inside I pull up my sleeve, casually scanning over the mountainous landscape that beheld my arm, a slight river of red making its way down a valley.
A slight smile slips to my lips and I watch its progress with fascination. I knew it was wrong to do so, but I had my reasons, so why not be interested?
You see… many see self harm as an induced punishment that you don’t really deserve. But what happens when you do actually deserve it? What happens when you know you’re a bad person? When you enjoyed breaking people to have a life? And every bad thing you’ve done has affected countless families? These ridges on my arm aren’t because I want to but because I have to.
They are stories of shame. So I can never run from them, I don’t deserve to forget, and I don’t deserve to forgive.
I snap out of my red trance and re-exit the cubicle, pick up my bag and fix on my trademark grin to meet the bustling sea of adolescent voices, walking up the tarmac hill and up out of the gates that mark my freedom for the day, I wave vaguely to my friends going the other way and continue along my path.
Suddenly I felt a presence, everyone gets it, if someone is concentrating on you hard enough, you become aware of it and look to its source. That’s when I see him.
Him with his dead eyes and cold smile.
Him holding all sorts of memories within his head that the two of us could share.
Him with his bitter grudge.
“What’s the matter? Not pleased to see an old friend?”
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
I pounded my feet across the pavement, my heart bursting, why had I never tried harder in P.E? My mild asthma was now emerging and that made the strain on me all the more powerful, all the more painful. And I could hear him behind me, lightly sprinting, teasing me, taunting me, he knew I couldn’t escape and now I was just a mouse in his game. Oh he did know how to get to me.
I didn’t realize I had slowed down during my process of thoughts, there was a resounding ‘crack!’ pain shot through my head, burning its way from its point of impact round to the front so it felt like my whole head was a ball of flame. I didn’t cry out as I fell, skidding across the harsh concrete. I caught the last glimpse of his cold, dead, destroying smile and then the darkness came to carry me away, I couldn’t help but go with it. It was too irresistible.
So, I haven't been around. And I haven't updated. But finally got some time now and here we are :) edit: trigger warnings. abuse and just kinda sensitive ideology...well it was for me.
Not all monsters can hold you. Not all darkness can swallow you, sometimes it just spits you back out.
I was aware I was upright, which I don’t remember moving to. I was also aware I ached, a lot; this led me to conclude I was in a lot of pain. But I couldn’t quite feel it, yet.
Despite being upright, I was slumped, so I was sitting. I could now feel trickles of blood running from my head…down my arms, working its way through old grooves. For some reason, this made me furious. How dare anyone but me make me bleed?! Anger shook through my body, and this is when I realised I was tied down. My legs bound to the chair legs and my arms tied behind the back.
“I know you’re conscious, may as well open your eyes.” The cold voice shot through me, reminding me of the imminent danger I was in. Slowly, I opened my eyes, blinking several times as dried blood that caked my face cracked and fell off. Everything was blurry for a while, and then it all came into focus, correction, he came into focus. I was staring straight up into his cold, grey eyes. There was nothing there, in those eyes, nothing at all. He was gone from this world. It made me wonder if he was living in insanity. It seemed highly likely; he was a work of darkness, fashioned from bitter memories and anger, possessed with an overwhelming desire for power. I knew him too well…like a reflection, perhaps that was why I was so afraid of him.
He continued to stare; causing me to flinch involuntarily and look away, when I looked back there was a cruel smile playing around on his lips.
“Long time no see…darling” his scratchy voice rang out. Darling, his old name for me, his only name for me.
“I see you’ve been busy with yourself…” his eyes ran over my arms, his mouth curled into a smirk “…I’m glad. It shows you haven’t forgotten, cause I haven’t forgotten” with this his face contorted with anger and his leg whipped out, kicking me with full force in the stomach. Pain exploded through my body and the ropes dug into my wrists as I was restrained from doubling up. I was completely helpless to myself…why now? Why after all these years???
And then I snapped.
I straightened up, speaking as I did “well… it was a fun run, but guess all things must come to an end, hun” I hissed the words out slowly, using ‘hun’ like he used ‘darling’, looking him dead in the eye. Perhaps this wasn’t a wise move, it only made him angrier. He delivered more blows to me, punching me in the stomach as he spat strangled words at me.
“Nobody leaves! Nobody ever leaves me! They all stay!!! They will always stay to the end!!! Or they meet their own end!”
It was my turn to smile now, a crooked, crazed smile; perhaps I was delving into insanity too. Perhaps I’d been there a long time.
“Then why aren’t I dead yet?” blood dribbled out my mouth as I spoke, running down my chin and neck with that terrible, tangy, metallic smell.
He leaned in close as he replied, eyes never leaving mine so I could look deep into their icy depths.
“Cause it’s so much more satisfying to watch and break you, break your soul…I’m sure that sounds familiar” his words came in a whisper. But as he began to retreat, I managed to speak again in one last low croak.
“My soul got lost a long time ago, hun”
And with that he roared, bringing his hand down on the back of my head. There was a crack, and I was gone.
Mmaky, so this bit might seem a bit boring, or perhaps not, but now you start to get a sense of the character. The line indicates a different time period. Triggers: Some of it is a bit...sensitive, or insensitive perhaps in the way its used by the character, if youve lost a parent I'd take a little care.
The wind was cold and harsh on my cheeks, the beginnings of September chill swirling around me. My long, black out billowed out behind me as I walked, I liked it when it did that, it pulled the coat to show my small frame, but also made me look bigger, taller, more intimidating. And sometimes, appearance is all you need.
I breathed in deep and cast my gaze upwards for a moment, dusk was setting and the sky looked as though it was on fire with flames of deep orange and red streaking out across the usually dull grey background. Tonight was going to be interesting, I just knew it. I could feel it. Things were changing for me. I continued along the street, glancing at the walls covered in graffiti, usually this area was a no-go for me, but from now on, I knew I could pass through safely. That is, if everything went according to plan.
I turned a corner and stopped. At the end of the street I could see two figures flatted against the wall by an alcove, I squinted, and smiled to myself. This was who I was looking for - trying to catch me out. I decided to play along; time to impress. I continued to walk along, this time staring at my feet, head bent, just as I saw out the corner of my eye I had reached the alcove I stopped and turned my head, looking directly at the two guys who were poised there, ready to jump out.
“Gosh hun, you look like a very shocked cat.” I smirked at the smaller of the two guys, who I knew.
“Aw, shut up, I wanted to see if you were as good as you say…darling” he smiled back, he was surprisingly well spoken for someone in this sort of…dealings. I smirked again; his pitiful attempt at catching me out didn’t require my ‘talents’ to spot.
“This is one of my guys, Kai” he gestured to the taller guy standing behind him who stepped forward, away from the shadow of the wall I could see he was olive skinned, slightly older than me, with short cut curly hair and sporting a diamante earring. He nodded to me in acknowledgment, with an added “Awrigh’?” proving not to be as well spoken as his boss.
“Right then darling, Kai is going to take you to your first job tonight, and he’ll be telling me later just how well you did…or not well” I saw a flicker of coldness flash through his eyes and disappear again. I knew what it meant, don’t mess it up, or you’re dead. And with that, he turned without a second glance and disappeared off the street.
“So um…err…wot do I call you again?” Kai had realised I hadn’t been addressed by a real name yet.
“I never use my real name, I go by no name myself, I am simply given other names by people, you can call me what you want”
You don’t know my name. You don’t need to know my name. What I mean to say is, you must feel at such a disadvantage not to. I know your name, and from just that I can derive so many things. But you don’t know mine, in fact, you know nothing. And when you know nothing, you have nothing. You are powerless. I know more, I know much more. And…consequently, I have power over you.
“Um…ok, I’ll call you…D, D for darling, like the boss calls you” he smiled slightly at his mildly intelligent offering.
“It’s funny…you call him the boss and yet, he’s your brother isn’t he?” that stopped him dead in his tracks.
“How’d you know that?! He never tells anyone!”
“He didn’t tell me either. Told you lot I was good” I smiled angelically and we continued to walk. We walked a long stretch, then turned down an alley and met a wall; Kai looked over the edge quickly then turned to me.
“Down there. 3 of them. Tallest one is in charge- ‘is name is Ryan- they’ve been giving us a lot of trouble lately, go do…what you do”
“You come with me in case punches start flying” he nodded and proceeded to scramble onto the wall with me, I looked down; I could see three dark skinned guys smoking and chatting. I briefly aimed, signalled to Kai and jumped.
There was a wonderful feeling of falling, and then I landed, perfectly in the centre of the three guys. Ignoring the other two’s insults I turned straight to the tallest one, who has remained silent.
“Indeed” I smiled inwardly to myself at his matter-of-fact acknowledgement of a stranger saying his name. “I know who’s behalf you’re here on” he was looking at Kai, he clearly recognized him.
“Kinda… but not really. See, I’m not even part of them yet. I can still do what I like.” I winked. He liked that, I could tell, he strode towards me, pressed himself up against me and mumbled in my ear.
“Yeah babe, like who?” I could smell the smoke and alcohol heavy on his breath. I turned my head slowly, and whispered delicately in his ear.
“I don’t know…which is your mum doing tonight? Cause it ain’t your dad is it? Where is he anyway…?” he retracted himself sharply away from me, stared at me with fury.
“You little…!!!” I watched him clench his fists, Kai appeared at my side in a flash, I rested a hand on his arm. “Wait.” Ryan was still clenching his fists; he raised them which caused Kai to tense more but then brought them to his head and collapsed in a heap of sobs. His two friends looked utterly bemused. I turned with Kai and walked away.
“How on earth did you know his dad had walked out?! How did you know anything about his family?” Kai almost skipped along beside me.
“Did you see how he pressed himself up against me at the mere mention of flirtation? He hasn’t been told how to treat a woman- no male influence. And he’s out drinking at this hour, which means he has no where to go cause he doesn’t want to be in the house, and he’s trying to block something out with the drinking. Simple really.” Kai looked impressed.
“You’ll have to teach me one day…”
“No teaching, just observe everything.”
“Hm…” Kai was lost in thought. I cast my gaze upwards again; the sky was now filled with glittering stars. Yep…things were definitely changing.