i hate going out to eat.

[washedoutdreamer]

Yesterday I had to eat lunch at Olive Garden
And I ate soooo much.
I didn't even want to go but there was no way around it.
And I looked up their nutrition information online
But I was too scared to even see how much I ended up eating.
And I went to the gym after to try and fix it
Maybe feel a little better about it
But it didn't work.
I still feel disgusting.
And it's like today I don't even want to take my vitamins
Because there are calories in them.
But I still don't think I have a problem.
In my head I still think everything's grand
And that this is normal
Because everyone worries about their weight
And about food
And everything.
I don't know.
I just want to undo it.
I was such a pig.
It makes me feel gross.

[suicide solution]

Sorry you are feeling like this , but you need to eat even if its something small .
There wont be many calories in the vitamins i think ??
If you arent eating make sure you are drinking enough
* hugs*
Sorry i dont have any great advice

[Buttercup.]

You already know what I think about this, babydoll. IT IS OKAY. I promise xooxoxoxo

[carpediem]

I think you already know if it is a problem or not. Part of you is telling you that something is off and that you want to fix it (the rationale side) and then the other side quickly jumps in and tells you everything is fine, that you are exaggeration (the disordered side). The rationale side is who you are, that is the REAL you! I am right there with you on these thoughts dear, this is a daily battle for me as well. You are not alone, I promise you.

Looking up the nutritional facts will not help you though, neither will overexercising, or beating yourself up. You have to be self-loving, which I know is easier said than done. What sort of things do you enjoy doing? Before jumping to beating yourself up try some healthy coping skills. If you enjoy writing, write out your feelings (journal it, write poetry, etc). Take a walk, paint, if you have a pet spend time walking them or petting them. I even write inspirational quotes on a dry erase board that hangs on my fridge, to try and lift my spirits on those bad days. Maybe that could work for you, or something similar?

I know you are struggling with whether or not this is truly an issue, but it would not hurt to go in and see someone. It can only help you, if anything. Worth a try!

I'm sending good vibes your way, and definitely thinking about you. You can do this!

[washedoutdreamer]

Thanks allm
And I know Jess. Xoxoox.

And I am seeing someone....I just haven't said anything yet because mostly I don't believe it's an issue...but I had a psych eval last week and because of that I have a feeling it's going to come up on Tuesday. I'm absolutely freaking out about it. Because maybe it's a good thing....but I run. And this being brought up on someone else's terms.....I might just run right out of the room. I just want to be tiny. I can't even figure out why, but it just feels so much safer.

[washedoutdreamer]

Thanks allm
And I know Jess. Xoxoox.

And I am seeing someone....I just haven't said anything yet because mostly I don't believe it's an issue...but I had a psych eval last week and because of that I have a feeling it's going to come up on Tuesday. I'm absolutely freaking out about it. Because maybe it's a good thing....but I run. And this being brought up on someone else's terms.....I might just run right out of the room. I just want to be tiny. I can't even figure out why, but it just feels so much safer.

[little.ophelia]

I'm glad you are seeing someone love. I think it would be a really good idea to tell them... I know you can see that this is a problem.

Sending lots of love your way xx

[carpediem]

Quote:

Originally Posted by washedoutdreamer

Thanks allm
And I know Jess. Xoxoox.

And I am seeing someone....I just haven't said anything yet because mostly I don't believe it's an issue...but I had a psych eval last week and because of that I have a feeling it's going to come up on Tuesday. I'm absolutely freaking out about it. Because maybe it's a good thing....but I run. And this being brought up on someone else's terms.....I might just run right out of the room. I just want to be tiny. I can't even figure out why, but it just feels so much safer.

That is great that you are seeing someone, although I know sometimes you would rather not bother with them. I can relate very much to your feelings of "it's not an issue", this is something that I am constantly battling with (it's like there is a war going on in my head- it can be so exhausting and frustrating). Part of you does see that this isn't exactly how things should be, so at least part of you thinks it's an issue. The ED has a way of quickly jumping in and rationalizing everything we do though, and yes it very much feels safe. It is comforting because we know it so well, it's familiar. You have to try and hold onto the part that says "well, maybe this is an issue". Even if it is just a small part of you, do your best to remind yourself of that rational voice when you feel yourself slipping.

Psych sessions can be so nerve racking, it is totally normal to feel like you are about to jump out of your skin and have thoughts of just getting out of there. Toward the end of my session last week I found myself wondering "What if I just got up and left right now?" I was so uncomfortable and just wanted out, I didn't want to talk any more. Of course, I stayed there. I knew it wasn't the best thing to bolt out of a session lol

My dear, I know I do not know you personally but I can say this... You deserve so much more and are beautiful. Nothing is worth the torment an ED put on us.

[washedoutdreamer]

It is frustrating and exhausting. Because you're right....part of me knows something is up...but I can rationalize every bit of it. It's like I'm fighting with myself constantly and it's easier to just ignore the little part that says this could be an issue. I'm just tired of it. Tired of trying to figure things out and talk through them. I know that's weak of me...but I just want to not care. I really want to not care and let things take their course. Because I feel defeated. I feel like trying isn't getting me anywhere and it'd be so much easier to do what feels right and safe and at this point, what have I got to lose? Especially if I can just tell myself I don't have a problem and stop all the fighting with myself and conflicting emotion.

[Buttercup.]

What do you have to lose? EVERYTHING. You've seen where I've been. Do you want to go there too? It is anything but safe. And that's what 'letting things run their course' will do.

You saw it. You actually more than saw it..you were there right in front of me. Literally. And I think that you seeing me there triggered your ED and I am SO sorry for that. Please don't let it hurt you and your recovery. If anything, let it scare you. Please, love, let what you saw and what you still see scare the hell out of you. You don't want your life to come to this.

Please be strong for me, baby because if you let this get you, I don't know if I'll be strong enough to be there for you like you were for me. And that scares me. Remember, best friends can't be best friends if the other is dead. Let's have an apple date asap. I think we both need one bad.

I'm here. And I don't want to be harsh. But I love you.

[washedoutdreamer]

You didn't trigger me babe. Believe me you did not. I just....I hadn't been letting on how things were going with me because I needed to be there for you.
I'll try sweets. I'll try for you because I don't know if trying for me means much of anything anymore. Just this time of year is so damn hard for me. Christmas is supposed to be happy. The holidays are supposed to make you smile and be happy. But my pap died ten days before Christmas three years ago this Thursday. And I can't get it out of my head. I can replay that day over and over again and it doesn't hurt any less and I just want it to stop but I jcan't make it. And every stupid display and radio station and tv special is all about Christmas and I want to be happy but it just reminds me that he is gone. He's dead and he'll never see so many things I would have loved for him to see and it kills me. It absolutely rips my heart out and I feel like he would know what to do. He would know the right thing to say to make me feel safe and whole again and I'll never hear it because he's gone. And it just hurts so much and for whatever stupid reason this not problem that I'm wrapped up in makes it go away a little. It makes it a little bit less and I don't feel so much like I'm falling apart every second and I don't know what to do. I don't know how this counselor is supposed to help if I don't think I have a problem and I don't know how I'm supposed to think I have a problem when this is the one thing holding me together right now.
And I'm sorry for going on like this I just. I don't even know anymore. I love you and I'll try for you and you're right we need an apple date.
Sorry I'm such a mess.

[Buttercup.]

I know love. Just remember that he is your angel watching over you and would hate to see you in so much pain. Try to think of what he would want and what he would say to you. I know it's hard, But I've worked with so many grandmothers and grandfathers who have passed. And you need to celebrate their lives. Think of all the great memories and all the great things they have left behind. He lives in your memory <3

And I know you say you don't think you have a problem. But you KNOW you have a problem. If you didn't know it was a problem you wouldn't be struggling. And you wouldn't be feeling so badly. And you wouldn't be posting here.

And don't be sorry. Keep working on our rap, writing receipt poetry, and do a things that don't suck list. And think of happy things! Like our cotton anniversary. And if the state will give me some money and nurse ratched will get off my back, maybe I can attempt coming for New Years and we can start this new year together and it will be a better year.

[washedoutdreamer]

it's just. It's so hard. So hard to have loved Christmas and everything about Christmas and then to have it make you so unbearably sad that you want to hate it. I want to skip it but I can't and it just hurts. I can still hear my sister's scream from when she found out and I was upstairs. I can tell you everything about that day and that night and the next 5 days. And I wore my pajamas that Christmas and I mostly napped in my room even with people over. And I still have the Christmas card that said love gram but was missing "and pappy" and it absolutely tore my heart out.
And you're right that he wouldn't want to see me hurting....but I can't get over this. He was the biggest father figure I had in my life for a long time and talked about it in counseling. It was like losing my dad. And even remembering the happy times hurts. I just miss him so much. And even though somewhere deep down I know what I'm doing is tearing me apart, I also know that it's the only thing holding me together right now.

And I would love to start the new year together and make it a better year. Because as much as I'm struggling and confused and lost and crazy....I am trying.