Graphic - Unforgivable Mistake
So holiday seasons are coming up and I've been finally wanting to pitch in for once.This would be the first time having our family Christmas at our house. So I put in a lot of time coming up with recipes, I would like to make for Christmas Eve and maybe leading into Christmas day as leftovers. I wrote down recipes. I was wanting to make a Cajun style gumbo and some lighter on the cheese mac and cheese but still creamy. I started to talk to my mother and sister about when we should go to get some of the ingredients to make my dishes. They said that we won't because my relatives are picky and won't eat my food. I was kind of offended, but laughing it off at first saying they will like it after they taste it. They keep repeating to me that no one will eat it, they might try it but there's no guarantee they will like it. I kind of escalated the situation by saying that they better eat it, as me someone who doesn't generally cook is putting in time and effort to make food just for them. They were persistent with their opinions and it kind of felt like I was being attacked at this point by the two of them because they were raising their voices at me.
I again ended up escalating the situation by saying if they don't eat it, I'm going have a meltdown or force-feed it to them. Keep in mind there are other options for them to eat like Ham, Turkey and the traditional Christmas meal options. Eventually I'm just fed up because I felt internally like hey guys I don't do this you should support me and not worry if no one eats it. However my actual reaction was more like this- I started raising my voice as well and saying for them to shut the f*** up and I'll just go and not help with anything then and you can make everything yourselves. When they retorted I said something along the lines of shut up or I'll make you shut up.
Then I stomped off upstairs and ran to my room slammed my door. I ripped up my recipes since no one seemed to want them at all. At this point my eyes were beginning to tear up and I heard my sister coming up the stairs.
She comes near my room and says something to me again through the door way and I told her to shut up or I'll murder you, something which I regret now. Then I took it a step even further typing to my sister, my mom, and my dad in a group text that fuck all of you. If you come in my room I'll kill all three of you. I'm not going to Christmas, I'm not leaving my room.
At this point I had already barricaded my doors up with bags and a heavy footlocker. I was planning on just staying in my room and if my family called the police, I would break my window and kill myself with a glass shard.
Time ticks away and they don't call the police on me and I've had time to reflect on my actions. I don't think I was entirely in the wrong, but I definitely wasn't in the right for my actions. Feeling bad but still angry I removed the barricaded from my door and went downstairs for some water. My mom started talking to me saying that she was going to take me to the doctor tomorrow. I said fuck you I don't care and she kept saying more things but I wasn't really interested. The conversation ended with me telling her she should bash her head repeatedly on the wall until she died. My sister from upstairs started screaming at me again and I just ignored her this time. My mom from downstairs says something else to me and I tell her to go kill herself. My parents and I never had a good relationship. They tried to command respect but for some reason I never gained respect for them. When they would punish me as a child they would either give up towards the end and remove the punishment or I would sneak and ignore the punishment my own way. So basically my childhood mischief went unchecked. Now present I've felt for a while that no one in my family has ever supported anything that I've wanted to do. They all seemed to have something negative to say whenever I came up with something new for me to do. Eventually I just stuck to video games and decided not to leave the house very much. The support doesn't just end with my family. I've never felt supported by anyone in my life at all. I've have friends but they never seem to be around when I need them the most and it always seems that I am alone. At a time I had enough friends that I felt I had a decent sized support group for if something happened. However times have changed and since for various reasons I am no longer friends with any of them barring my two close friends. As of now I only have 3 friends that I can talk to seriously about my life. None of them are here now and I feel alone dealing with the trouble I've made. Sometimes I just feel like this is the way it was meant to be and that all of my actions accumulated lead up to this suffering I feel. Like the reason things happen are because I was disrespectful as a child and now this is just the price I pay no matter how hard I try to dig myself out of that hole. I'm never saying that anyone by any means should support my actions in this situation, but I just feel at this time that I have no one here in my life to support me.