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Old 20-06-2017, 11:04 AM   #1
Arienette's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: UK
I am currently:
substance issues (benzo)

I rely on benzo's a lot when i'm not feeling my best - even when i'm feeling my best. Basically unless i'm level, i have massive urges to overtake/overdose (without wanting to go A&E or die etc) on benzos.

I"m starting to see this as a problem. I never used to. I'm at a point where i'm trying to be productive with my time and structured because it really helps me stay stable/manage better.

I see my taking habits as interfering at the moment. However, I'm scared to live my life without them. I'm scared to cut off my script, because they feel like they help when i'm feeling a bit all over. They shut me off, and everything is wavy and nothing bothers me anymore.

I know that in order to be my best and at my most healthy that this isn't a part of that life i'm trying to create for myself.

I know it's a dangerous habit. I know I could well OD and die at some point if I got too complacent or carried away or mixed with alcohol too much. At the moment, that doesn't scare me. I'm not at a point where I really think that would be the worst thing to happen to me. I view it as a blessing in disguise.

I know it's damaging to my study plans and my training (running etc) plans. It's damaging to my relationship because my GF gets upset with me overtaking it. To the point where most of the time I've stopped telling her. I just say i was really tired or sleepy and catching up on that.

I've started hiding it. Not only from my GF and support workers and team - but everyone. It's become a bit of a dirty little secret, like when I had my ED. When I had bulimia that felt similar in terms of secrecy, having to work around it and trying to manage my life alongside it and failing to some degree.

I'm not really sure what to do.

I'm questioning whether i want to come clean and never touch them again, but i don't feel able to right now. I don't feel like i've hit rock bottom with it yet - which is sometimes how bad it needs to get to shake yourself with reality and get the motivation to recover.

has anyone been through this kind of thing? and how did you cope with it or manage it?

do i need to sort it out now, or is it going to be fine to let it get slightly worse until i'm fed up with it for good?

i feel at an awkward stage. i'm not absolutely loving them and raving about them anymore, not in conversation etc. or anything like before.

it feels secret. <-- thats the main thing that has changed and is slightly concerning i guess.

Staring at white washed walls

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Old 20-06-2017, 05:48 PM   #2
Wonderland.'s Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2007

I used to be dependent on Benzos. So I know what kind of feelings you may be going through.

My MH team were aware of the issues I had to an extent, and after a long long time I referred myself to the local substance misuse centre. From there I ended up going on a programme to taper down how much I was using with there support. They gave me daily prescriptions.

They didn't push any treatment on me, the choice was mine. I just simply went to see what they could offer. Maybe this is something you could do in your local area.

I'm not going to lie it's super hard and will definitely bring on anxieties. I felt very paranoid when first tapering and that was with me on the highest dose they could give me. So I think if you decide to go for some treatment be aware that those anxieties are mostly withdrawal symptoms but you will get through them.

I ended up getting kicked off of the programme I went on as I was so paranoid I thought they were giving me placebo's and took a few days worth to 'check'. So don't do that as it's not a wise move!! I ended up having to do it by myself after that.

For me the turning point when I got a drugs warning from Border Force after customs found a package of Benzos I had ordered. That was what brought me down to earth. I think it's very personal what point an individual changes, so ultimately that is down to you.

I think definitely talking to someone about it would be a good move right now and that way you can see what help is available but you aren't committed to undertaking treatment if you don't want to.

Right now you can only see more of the pro's of continuing to over take them but once you are on the other side you will feel a lot better for it.

I was obsessed with benzos, I couldn't get on with a day without them, my life revolved around them. At that time I thought they were totally helping me and that I literally would not be able to cope without them. But now I am a lot more clear headed, way less impulsive, I can go out without taking benzos. And now really only do take them when I need them which is rarely.

If you want to ask anything just let me know!

'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥

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