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Old 01-04-2017, 11:40 AM   #1
[Luna]
 
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Frustrated and angry with life

I don't know where an appropriate place to put this is.

I'm feeling really frustrated at the moment. I hope I don't come across as a stroppy child because I don't mean to be. I have a lot of good things in my life to feel grateful for.

Does anyone else get really, really frustrated by how much harder mental health problems makes it to achieve things?

All my life I've wanted three things: To have children, get a degree and have a career I enjoy. Mental illness and other life circumstances have made these things agonisingly difficult to achieve and I'm so frustrated and tired. I get angry and jealous and I hate feeling this way. I want to be happy for others and celebrate their achievements not feel like my heart is bring ripped out every time I see someone I know getting something that I've always wanted.

My wife has a child, degree and a career in midwifery that she's passionate about and it's so difficult when I feel so jealous of her and I end up getting irrationally angry with her because of it which isn't fair because she hasn't done anything wrong.

It's really impacting on my life. Even though I don't particularly want to die, I keep getting suicidal thoughts because I'm so exhausted. Last night I cried until the early hours and got myself into such a state that my wife had to give me prn and held me until I was calm enough to sleep.

This isn't even the tip of the iceberg. I was wondering if it was ok to have a place here to talk so I don't keep it all inside and let it fester until I have hurt myself or lash out at someone else.

xx

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Old 01-04-2017, 03:06 PM   #2
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I understand, my mental illness also robbed me of having a normal life and career. All I seem to do is cry these days.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, I hope things improve.

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Old 01-04-2017, 03:27 PM   #3
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Thank you for replying. I'm really sorry you're struggling too. xx

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Old 01-04-2017, 04:09 PM   #4
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I think it's good that you are talking about this rather than keeping it all in, and I hope it helps. I often get frustrated and angry with what mental illness has done to my life, but I think it's important to look at what you have achieved and how this has all made you a strong person, a person who can relate to others, and from what I've seen of your posts, a kind person. You have your own interests, maybe it's time to focus on those when you get these thoughts, have something to focus on. I know it's hard and it is incredibly upsetting, but keep letting it out and posting here if it helps.

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Old 01-04-2017, 07:27 PM   #5
[Luna]
 
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Thank you for your kind response.

I think because I'm going through a low patch and time full of uncertainty, I seem to feel more frustrated and powerless.

I'm going through the fertility process at the moment and now there's quite a bit of waiting around which gives room for a lot of anxiety. Having a child is something I've always desperately wanted. There are some issues around the possibility of future children (after this one) but I'll talk about that later. It's silly but it's an issue that keeps coming up and will have to be confronted at some point in the future. Both my mental health and sexuality have put up barriers when it came to having a baby. It's been something that's been very painful to deal with. Added with the fact that my wife has a son from a previous relationship.

I've been working towards a degree since 2011 with the Open university and I'm on my last assignment for my penultimate module. I've been having some issues paying for my last module because my credit rating is terrible. My wife had to declare bankruptcy last year because of getting into loads of debt with credit cards. I had to have a debt relief order, because some of the debt was in my name, and it's screwed my credit rating up and now I can't use the method I did to pay for the rest of my degree. Luckily my parents might be able to help me out but I'm still quite worried about it.

Life feels like a constant mountain to climb. The low mood and anxiety, voices, visions, intrusive and obsessive thoughts, worrying about everyone's safety, trying to battle self-harm, food and alcohol issues, flashbacks, nightmares, dissociation.
I'm not writing that to be like 'Oh look how hard I have it', I'm trying my hardest to work through these issues. It's just the frustration of these things making every task harder and draining what little energy you have. Sometimes it feels easier just to give up. I can't and don't want to do that though.

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Old 01-04-2017, 09:35 PM   #6
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I like that you say you can't and don't want to give up. Hold on to that. You can get through this. Do you have good professional help to get you through this? Sounds like some extra support and someone to talk to would help.
You have been through a lot and are having to deal with so many things, but I believe you are stronger than you think. Keep fighting. Things can get better.

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