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Old 03-04-2020, 01:31 PM   #2241
one_step_closer
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Thank you both.

I'm sure I saw a story of someone getting fined because they wouldn't tell the police why they were outside. I wear a yellow jacket and police frequently pass me when I go out so they might notice if I was out twice and do something about it. The weather is pretty yuck right now anyway so I wouldn't go out other than to collect my meds.

My pen pals are from a positive pen pals group on Fb. I like it because we also exchange positive quotes and little extra bits in our letters.

It's sometimes ok to chat on here because I don't have to reply right away but with other forms of communication people tend to want a more quick response.

The men aren't around that much right now so I feel like I have to take their place in torturing myself. At other points when the men have been quiet my CPN has said just accept it and enjoy the peace but that's quite hard. I keep seeing people in my house though but they don't say anything. I'm generally upset by the current situation and find it overwhelming to be out and have to dodge people. I did dodge people before this but I didn't have to make sure I was 2 meters away from every single person.

I am very suicidal today and there is no one I feel able to contact.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-04-2020, 09:48 PM   #2242
Pi.R^2
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I'm sorry you've been very suicidal today; how did things go for the rest of the day?

It sounds like it's easier for you right now to not consider a second trip out in the day so I won't push it!

Aww, that sounds lovely! If I wasn't still in anti-social-media mode I would take a look :P

I can see what you mean about the difference in 'pressure to respond'.

This is such a crappy move so I'm sorry in advance but... If someone else was getting respite from people/things that were horrible to them, would it seem logical for them to be horrible to themselves to 'make up' for it?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 04-04-2020, 10:57 AM   #2243
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Thanks. I did quite a bit of self harming yesterday (but not bad enough) because I'm hating every single day and I'm so distressed and need my CPN. I can imagine myself dead but the process of killing myself almost seems impossible. I don't want to die from this virus though. I need people. I hate being so alone with no support and being unable to phone anyway. I think I'm about to really crack up. The men and the followers are loud today anyway but I will still try to punish myself further. I wish the men would be clear with what they want me to do.

I went for my prescription again. It seems kind of irresponsible for the GP to want me to still go out daily, and into a chemist, while things are the way they are. I know they probably just worry I would overdose if I had a months worth of meds, especially since I overdosed a while before I was admitted to hospital. I hate being out. It makes me want to cry. I hate trying to stay back from people and it's hard to do it in the town centre because there can sometimes be a few people. It's also hard when someone is walking in my direction on the same pavement. I had a nightmare last night about someone standing right next to me.

You should take a look at the positive pen pals group if you become less anti-social media because it's really nice to get some positive post.

I wouldn't want anyone to be horrible to themselves while they were getting a break from whatever usually bothers them. I just feel different. I am probably a fake mentally ill person too if I get little breaks from the men at points. My MH should be way worse than it is right now with everything that is going on.

And here goes another day.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-04-2020, 11:16 AM   #2244
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Why do the men have to dictate what you do?

I think going out daily to the chemist should be ok, particularly if you're strict with keeping distance from people, using hand gel before you touch anything like door handles or you could use disposable gloves. I'm sure the staff in the chemist are being really strict with cleanliness too so the risk to you and others should be low. I know that's still not ideal or maybe not reassuring but it's better for you in the long run. Would you trust yourself not to overdose?

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Old 04-04-2020, 02:39 PM   #2245
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The men are the most important and powerful people in the other world and they have a heavy influence over this world. People get hurt or ill if I can't understand the messages the men are passing to me. I am concerned about the followers right now who are particularly upset. I have my corner protector next to me but I need to be doing more.

The chemist only let 2 people in at a time and have a notice to stand 2 metres apart when queueing outside. But ill people go to the chemist. I usually wash my hands before I leave the house then use hand sanitiser once I come out of the chemist and wash my hands when I get home. There are so many people dying right now. I don't *think* I would overdose in case I needed treatment but no I don't trust myself not to be impulsive.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-04-2020, 08:06 PM   #2246
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What am I supposed to do when I need and want to be doing some extreme self harm and focusing better on the messages from the men but my body and my mind don't have the energy? I'm so upset. I want to die. I want to cut. I want to go out and get help from someone face to face.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-04-2020, 09:16 AM   #2247
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Ok with the first things, .making decisions when you are upset is generally held to be a bad idea. Wanting help face to face is totally understandable but sadly at the moment is probably not an option and you have to make do with other forms of conversation. It sucks I know.



with Christ I hang upon the cross

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Old 05-04-2020, 03:26 PM   #2248
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I need to go out for mental health reasons, but that's not a valid reason. I'm about to bash my head off every surface I can find. Everyone seems to be out today so I really shouldn't go out, I have some shopping to do that can wait till tomorrow when I'm out getting my meds, it will involve extra hard dodging of people. I hope my CPN phones tomorrow. I have some additional meds maybe I should overdose. I can't deal with this.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-04-2020, 04:24 PM   #2249
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I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Things sound very painful and lonely. I also really hope your CPN involves tomorrow and that you can get some comfort and support and know she's okay. I hope you can be gentle with yourself this evening.

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Old 05-04-2020, 05:50 PM   #2250
one_step_closer
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Thank you.

My brain won't let go of thinking that my CPN could be ill or dead or someone in her family could be ill or dead. I've been searching Google trying to find out if she is alive or dead and now I've started thinking about my friend who died and I'm so upset and worried. I should try phoning the informal crisis team but I probably won't. I'm dreading trying to occupy myself all evening.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-04-2020, 09:49 PM   #2251
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How has the evening been for you? Why were you against phoning the informal crisis team?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 06-04-2020, 11:54 AM   #2252
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I just struggle so much with phone calls. Yesterday evening continued to be difficult and I took informal PRN. I don't know if it helped. I'm just hoping my CPN phones today. I went to the chemist and to Tesco and it's really upsetting all these lines to stand away from each other and stuff. Tesco has a one way system in the aisles now and I had finished my shopping without needing to go to the other aisles so walked to self checkout and someone stopped me and asked if I was going to the self checkout. I said yes and asked if that was ok and she said yes go straight there. I know she was only making sure I wasn't going back into a previous aisle but I felt like I was getting a row.

I must have heard this song somewhere but all the way home I was repeating in my head 'it's getting harder and harder to breathe' and now I might have welcomed the virus.

I wish I was brave enough to phone the CMHT and ask what's happening with my support from my CPN.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-04-2020, 02:47 PM   #2253
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I hope you do manage to give the CMHT a ring. It might help you get some clarity on the situation and hopefully get some reassurance re: your CPN.

I can imagine the situation with Tesco being very anxiety-provoking. It's difficult if you struggle with people to have all these different and unfamiliar measures in place. You didn't do anything wrong.

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Old 06-04-2020, 03:00 PM   #2254
one_step_closer
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I can't do this. I'm allowed to text Duty but just so I can let them know I need a call and then they'd phone me back and I don't think I could answer. I'm more isolated than I need to be because of my phone issues.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-04-2020, 03:52 PM   #2255
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This might be a really good opportunity to work through your phone difficulties, so you'll feel more comfortable calling in the end. It really does get easier and I think getting over those hurdles will be so helpful for you, even though it feels awful to imagine having to go through it.

I'm so glad you have the opportunity to text the duty worker, why do you feel you wouldn't be able to answer?

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Old 07-04-2020, 02:29 PM   #2256
one_step_closer
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It's just the whole using the phone thing. I'm sick of myself.

Luckily my CPN phoned yesterday. She left a message and I was able to phone her back although I wasn't prepared for the call so didn't say what I needed to. She did have the virus and self isolated for 10 days. She's back at work now, in the health centre, because they take turns at working from home and working in the health centre. I hope she's ok to be back at work. She's phoning me again on Thursday, an hour before my key worker is due to phone me. I want to cancel my key worker again because she's not helpful and 2 phone calls in a row will be really scary but the service will probably get annoyed with me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 08-04-2020, 09:39 AM   #2257
Pi.R^2
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Thank goodness you've heard from your CPN now, I could see how worried it was making you!

Are your CPN and key worker from the same service? If she doesn't already know, maybe you could talk to your CPN about how you don't want to not engage, but that you don't find the key worker helpful.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 08-04-2020, 09:42 AM   #2258
one_step_closer
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My key worker is from the voluntary place that runs the gym group and the informal crisis team. I have already said to my CPN that it feels like too much phone contact and she said my key worker could speak to her instead and leave the phone contact up to my CPN but my key worker said no to that.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 09-04-2020, 12:07 PM   #2259
Pi.R^2
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Did she explain why your key worker had said no to that suggestion?

I hope your phone call goes well with your CPN today; do you know what you'd like to communicate to her?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 09-04-2020, 04:38 PM   #2260
one_step_closer
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I think my key worker just wants to touch base and keep things as 'normal' as possible. I spoke to my CPN today but didn't really know what to say and she says she can imagine I must be struggling because she knows how much I struggle when things are 'normal' and they're way beyond that now. It helps to hear her voice and have a chat. I feel like I have nothing to tell her that I haven't said before anyway. I think my key worker is on holiday for a couple of weeks. I asked if I could skip todays call because I had just spoken to my CPN and they said that was ok and someone is going to phone me tomorrow. I'll just see how it goes. It's not easy waiting for a phone call, I get very worked up.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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