How do you live again?
I have been free from my abusive ex-boyfriend for almost 8 months now. I don't miss the abuse. However, in order to break the cycle, I had to move away from my home town and everyone I knew. At the time, it wasn't hard to do since most of the people I called friends had long since had enough of my crap: I never hung out anymore; I was always with my boyfriend, and he never wanted me to go anywhere without him.
I don't live too far away, but I moved far enough away that no one would know me in this area. It's exactly what I needed so he wouldn't find me. I finally started dating again (a result of a good friend of mine back home encouraging me to start over), and then I found out I was pregnant. I moved in with the new guy. Things went fast between us, and I know that. But he's amazing. I lost the baby in December, and, honestly, I don't know how to deal with it. It hurts. And all I want to do is curl into a ball and never move every time I think about it.
Although things are a little better now, I still don't know anyone in this area with the exception of my boyfriend. It's starting to get to me. I used to really enjoy being alone most of my time, but now I really wish that I had some friends to call up and hang out with from time to time. It's lonely here. Depressing. And it allows too much time for me to sit and think about all the things I lost.
In the mean time, my ex-boyfriend is doing wonderfully. New girlfriend. New job. Lots of friends. It's like... He's the one that did all the bad things, but I'm the one being punished for it. And I don't understand. I just want to understand why I'm the one that has to start over. Or better yet, HOW do I start over?
My head is so f*ckd up from all the mental and physical abuse; I can't think straight. Why am I still being punished? How do I learn to live again? And where the hell do I start? I'm so tired. And I'm so sick of feeling pain that my ex doesn't feel and doesn't even know exists. I want to hate him so badly. And I can't. Some days, like today, I wish I could see him face to face and scream until he realizes what he did to me. Every bruise, every broken bone, every scrape, and every sting across the face-- days like to day, I just want him to feel it all.