Contains sexual abuse - Past abuse impacting current relations
Not sure how to express my reality right now, but here goes.
I'm now in my late 20s as a gay, essentially closeted guy. I can't exactly remember when it started, but I spent years being sexual abused by a cousin and sometimes one of his friends. I honestly can't remember when It started. It was at least a couple years and ended when I was either 13 or 14. My memory is shaky earlier (which is another fear).
I was forced to do many things over that time. Some of it I remember as being awful yet some of my memories were positive. They felt good. What I remember most is doing what I was told. That usually led to better outcomes.
Recently I've tried looking up with soneone but on the moment all I could do was cower and ask what to do. I had this overwhelming fear and need to to be do what he wanted. And I started to panic. The night ended soon after.
What can I do to change? I got so anxious in the end. Can I ever overcome this?