RYL Forums


Forum Jump
Post New Thread  Reply
Old 07-01-2018, 10:29 PM   #1
Voldemort
 
Voldemort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Irrational anger and callousness

Hey all, long time no post, I hope you don’t mind me popping in now.

Backstory - I was in hospital for psychosis and due to a fear of food and drink being tampered with basically stopped eating. This then developed into conscious restriction as the psychosis lifted. I went from an overweight BMI to being comfortably in the normal category.

I’ve since been discharged from hospital but my eating has only marginally improved. I’ve gained a little bit but seem to be maintaining on what I’m consuming at the moment and am still ‘healthy’.

What the issue is - I’m eating more than I feel comfortable with and want to lose the weight I’ve gained if not a bit more. This has led to some serious arguments with my wife. What I count as a meal is not what she would count and whilst I’m trying to pick throughout the day so I don’t get overwhelmed by more than one big meal I’m really not happy. My wife has/had anorexia and is currently struggling with stomach problems so is unable to eat much herself and is a lot shorter than me so would naturally need less food than I do but I find that hard to deal with. I don’t want to be eating, yet I’m stuffing my face with twice as much as she is. When she’s pushing me sometimes I’ll just explode at her. Tell her I’m not eating and when she says then she won’t either I usually just tell her that’s fine, I don’t care, etc etc. I do care. I don’t want her to be underweight and sick indefinitely. I don’t want her to die. But almost just as strongly I want to lose weight and have her off my back.

I don’t know. I don’t like who I am to her sometimes but I don’t know what to do. It’s like I’m ticking and just waiting to explode on a daily basis. I desperately want to lose weight because I am genuinely fat regardless of what bmi says but I’m eating small amounts and the weight isn’t going anywhere.

Sorry. I don’t really know what I want from this thread. I’m tired and just want her to leave me alone to do what I want to do. Is that such a bad thing?

Voldemort is offline   Reply With Quote
5 Hugs Given By :
Old 07-01-2018, 11:08 PM   #2
Aubergine
You've got this.
 
Aubergine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
I am currently:

Hey Amy.


I'm sorry that you're still struggling with eating. It sounds really difficult. Have you got any ED specific support at the moment?


I don't really have the same experience, but I remember when I was super anxious and under the crisis team or in hospital, I've been very angry when people have tried to get me to eat/drink, because I just wanted them to F off and leave me alone (I may have said that more than once to staff!) to get on with it. I wasn't restricting intentionally to lose weight or anything, but I can kind of relate so understand some of how very tricky it is, and I really feel for you.


I guess what I would say to you, is what would you think/say/do if you were in a health mindset and your wife said to you that she wanted you to leave her alone when it comes to restricting so she can do what she wants to do? Or if not your wife, someone else? If you were staff in the hospital when I wasn't eating, and I swore at you and told you to let me get on with it, what would you have responded to me with?



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


Aubergine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-01-2018, 11:33 PM   #3
Voldemort
 
Voldemort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005

Thanks Ducky. I was referred to an ED specialist but I’ve seen her before and she’s likely to make me worse so I’ve cancelled that for now.

It’s not nice because it’s completely out of character for me but I just seem to explode at the smallest thing.

I suppose, if my wife were doing what I want to do, I’d try and support her but ultimately it would be her decision and I can only do so much. The difference there would would be that she would need intervention immediately as her weight would be such a risk factor straight away. I don’t know. Unfortunately it’s not one of those situations where I can just flip situations because they would be so different. Part of me, and I don’t know why, just wants to get really ill with this and lose every spare bit of weight and just. I don’t know. I don’t want to be me anymore.

Voldemort is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-01-2018, 12:47 AM   #4
Entropy
 
Entropy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
I am currently:

Hi Amy, I don’t know if I can be super helpful. But I do understand what it’s like to get uncontrollable and irrational anger at the smallest things around food. To explode and say things that you don’t mean and hurt people you love and care about even when they struggle with eating disorders themselves.
Eating disorders are toxic. They literally eat away at you from the inside out and affect more than just your food intake, they change the way you behave and feel and it’s horrible. Try not to beat yourself up about your outbursts but also take responsibility and look for the triggers, see what you can do to prevent situations from escalating.


I also understand what it’s like to feel as though situations are unbalanced when around other people with eating issues, especially as I’ve always been the larger one who has the weight to lose anyway. I’ve found this makes me feel jealous which is a horrid emotion but one that I can’t help feeling, yet I can help how I react to it. It also makes me feel very competitive which is never a good idea in my opinion, if you think your eating is getting competitive at times and starting affect each other perhaps it’s time to not focus on what each other is eating so much - can you eat meals and snacks separately sometimes?




"this is the room where you don't have to be brave"


Entropy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-02-2018, 09:54 PM   #5
Voldemort
 
Voldemort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005

Hey Katy, thanks for your reply. Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply.

I’m back in hospital again so I’m miserable but also delighted that I’m fully in control of what I eat, which has led to massive weight loss though I maintained last week. Depending on which version of bmi you think is healthy to underweight I’m just in the healthy range but the mirror isn’t reflecting it at all. I look huge and feel huge and just want the numbers to go down.

My wife is so angry and unhappy with me though. I’m doing my hardest to eat something every day despite every fibre of my being wanting to just stop eating completely. She tells me I’m not trying enough but the simple fact that I’m eating, to me, is trying very hard.

She keeps saying I don’t care about how hard it is for her and threatens not to come in and visit but I don’t know what to do. I am eating. I desperately want to just not eat but I am eating and trying not to waste food that is brought into me but it’s so ****ing hard.

They’re not focusing much on my eating at the moment as apparently my ‘psychosis’ is more pressing. Which is fine by me. I don’t know. I’m cold the whole time and I can’t sleep at night so I’m constantly exhausted but the numbers are lying and need to change.

Voldemort is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13-02-2018, 10:17 AM   #6
Buttons.
Never knowing...a helping hand or hell to pay?
 
Buttons.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: UK
I am currently:

I really have no really helpful words but I've read and I care and can identify somewhat from when I've been in that headspace in the past. It does sound like you are slipping into ED thoughts and behaviours and what you've written here concerns me. It is positive that you are trying to eat even a bit though, as I know that can be so hard when ED mindset is playing havoc with your thoughts.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter


Buttons. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19-02-2018, 01:39 PM   #7
bell62
 
Join Date: Jul 2007

The biggest virtual hugs for you xxxxxx
I'm sad to see you still struggling with ED thoughts and behaviours. I can really relate to a lot of what you're saying and I can only imagine how difficult of a dynamic it would be with Ritz as well.
I just hope you can continue to take steps to still eat something, even if it is 'less than normal'
Really hope you can get some support from the team for your eating behaviours once the psychosis issues are a bit more under control.
Thinking of you Ams xoxo
Bell
Xx

bell62 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19-02-2018, 09:25 PM   #8
Voldemort
 
Voldemort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005

Thanks both.

Bell, it never really goes away to be honest. My weight just fluctuates up and down, up and down. Idk what I’m doing. I ate something unexpected and just wish I knew how to purge though it’s probably too late now.

Voldemort is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Members Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Censor is ON
Forum Jump


Sea Pink Aroma
All times are GMT +1. The time now is 12:48 PM.