Contains sexual abuse - Freaking out

uniquely.me · 27-06-2013, 12:43 PM

I'm really confused & I dunno how to handle this situation...
I haven't been with my boyfriend for long and to be honest I've only had another previous to him. The last one didn't last long, a few weeks - basically he realised he wasn't going to get sex out of me as soon as he wanted. I'm pretty sure we only kissed twice.... I'm not comfortable with kissing or touching, it brings back memories of past sexual abuse which makes it impossible for me to do those things without feeling gross.
So I stayed at my current boyfriends house last night, we get along really well, he is sweet and very understanding about the fact I have medical issues along with the fact I'm 'shy' when it comes to being romantic... I feel terrible though because I avoided him kissing or touching me. I gave him a kiss on the lips before I went home but that's it and even that was traumatic for me!
I feel so stupid, how am I meant to maintain a relationship when even basic affections freak me out! I don't want to tell him about that part of my life yet either... I just feel so incredibly stupid that the most basic thing in a relationship is so damn hard for me

Tig · 28-06-2013, 12:02 AM

Hey,

I can relate to this a lot and it is something that is very difficult to kind of cope with me because I guess it leaves you feeling very vulnerable, anxious and also 'not normal', or at least those are some of the things I felt!

Please don't feel stupid for not being able to do some of the 'basic' stuff in a relationship - you didn't ask for what happened to you in the past and it's understandable that it is affecting your present. Like you, when I first got with my boyfriend I couldn't even kiss him, even now kissing can be hard but I have got comfortable with other stuff so you can get there and I have no go areas but that's okay too.

I don't know if you'll like my advice but I honestly think you NEED to talk to your boyfriend as soon as you can possibly feel ready to tell him about that part of your life. It really helped me and my boyfriend I think to understand why I couldn't do certain things as he helped to validate why I felt uncomfortable with certain stuff and it helped me to know that he wouldn't be feeling it was anything to do with him as such.

You don't have to tell your boyfriend everything but even just little bits of information could really help?

x

Patent Pending · 28-06-2013, 01:13 AM

I agree with the above.

It's not hopeless; you can get more comfortable with relationship stuff - after my abusive relationship I really struggled and after explaining to my then boyfriend we took things REALLY slow and only what I was comfortable with.

Since then I can pretty much handle a normal relationship, with a few exceptions.

I think the best thing to do is to speak to your boyfriend.

x x x

uniquely.me · 29-06-2013, 12:15 PM

Thanks for your replies and advice... I understand that telling him about my past and why I feel uncomfortable with certain things is best but I'm really worried that telling him this early in the relationship could freak him out and he'll think on top of my other issues I'm too much trouble, although I know if that's his reaction it's best I'm not with him. I think my biggest issue is I'm so embarrassed and I've only just worked up the courage in recent years to tell my family and therapist about what happened and I even find it hard to talk about it with them, so how can I tell my boyfriend! I just feel grateful that I've actually found a guy that is interested in me and I feel like there is so much 'wrong' with me, he's been so good to me so far and I wish there was another way I could get through my issues

Amaryllis · 30-06-2013, 10:08 PM

It really would be best to talk about before you go further in the relationship. Could you work with your therapist to talk about telling him and making a plan for that?

Truth&OtherDisasters · 03-07-2013, 06:08 PM

I think everyone is right.
Tell him.
The thing is, now he knows you have trouble with certain things. If you tell him, he will understand why- may be that will help...
Then again, I was sure that's true because that is how it was for me, but lately I'm not as sure anymore.

uniquely.me · 15-07-2013, 11:29 AM

So I haven't told him yet about my past, I feel it's too soon in the relationship, as I've said before, I'm worried it'd be the last straw with everything else that is up with me! Not to mention it is a very personal & hard thing to talk about.
I haven't seen him for a few weeks due to being away then getting sick. We have kept in touch though and miss is each other. I do want to see him, but I know the next time I do, he'll want to kiss and hug and all that... I'm so conflicted because a part of me wants that but the bigger part wants to see him but not have him touch me or anything... I feel like such a freak, I like him and all that but can't follow through with anything... Part of me feels I should end it, it's not fair on him cause I'm so messed up!
I just needed to get that off my chest!

Patent Pending · 15-07-2013, 01:15 PM

I can understand not wanting to tell him so soon in the relationship.

I don't think you should end it...I mean you're thinking about something that may never happen; he could accept your past and help you work through it. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy if you end it before it gets started.

x x x