I deleted my post. As I said it wasn't my intent to be harsh and it's clear you think I was off base. I do still think that you seem to be very stuck in a defeatist cycle. You say that you are trying and I do believe you. However almost every other statement you make is very much a, things won't help, I can't each out, I can't ask for support or what I need type of statement.
It is very much possible to be trying, but also to be stuck in a mindset like that. It might be worth trying to think about how you frame things and how you frame statements in your head to see if that's something worth trying to work on.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I don't know how to reach out since I am terrible with phone calls and I tend to just try to get through things myself because of that. I do feel very hopeless and it's hard to change my mindset with the way I feel. I don't know what else to do. This is me. I'm really not sure what to say, it helps just to get things out here but maybe I shouldn't. I'm not saying that what you have said was harsh or anything, Camden. I'm just sort of confused by it and don't know if I can change the way I think and communicate. I'm sorry if this is yet another defeatist post.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It wasn't my intent to upset you and I'm sorry. I'll step away from your thread. I hope you figure out what support and help you need and how to get it.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
You haven't done anything wrong. I just don't understand how to get out of this swamp. It feels impossible to do more than I am already doing and my thoughts are so ingrained they are hard to fight. I don't know what I need, that's where I rely on my CPN.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm so sorry it doesn't seem like the stand-in CPN understood how bad things are. I can see what Camden is saying about how maybe they're trying not to focus too much on suicide-talk, but I think if that's the case they would have needed to explicitly tell you that and also they still need to assess the risk!!
How are you getting on?
I'm glad that it helps to get things out here and please keep doing so if it helps.
I have another call from the stand in CPN tomorrow. I managed to look through the booklet she sent me but I've been through it all before and don't find it helpful. With my own CPN we just talk because she knows I'm not going to benefit from worksheets. I think the stand in CPN thinks I need to be doing something concrete. Those concrete things according to my own CPN were going to the gym group which is now walking, practical things that I'm already doing. She said she was happy with that but the stand in CPN seems to want more. I know they all work differently and I'm reading the booklets as I've been asked to but the way my own CPN works with me works better. She gives me more time to talk so she knows when I'm not doing well and what options she can give me to help me through. I do appreciate having access to the stand in CPN though.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I told her the last time I spoke to her that worksheets aren't helpful for me and she just sent me more. I think it's the way she works with her patients and what she's familiar with. I will try and tell her again but I don't even know what else to say to her, I can't really remember how I've been since we last spoke.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
That's really frustrating.
I'm sorry that her way of working isn't working for you
I know this has been suggested before but can't remember what you said about it (sorry) but could you write things down and say you have some points written down that you want to get across to her?
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I don't even know what I want to say to her this time, that's the problem. Mostly things in my head have been hidden from me, by the men, behind a black curtain. And I can't remember much about what I've been doing since I haven't posted here much and I haven't written in my diary.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
This stand-in CPN sounds like she's addicted to worksheets :P Hopefully if you politely tell her every time that you've done the worksheet but didn't find it helpful, she might start to branch out a bit!
Do you think it would be helpful to start writing in your diary a bit more?
Started the day feeling low and now I'm really low. The stand in CPN didn't listen to how I am and how the men have been. I told her worksheets don't help me and that my own CPN was happy to phone me for a check in and to see if I need more support or hospitalisation, and that she was happy enough for the work I'm doing with the organisation who I go for a walk with at the moment. The stand in CPN said they are too busy to just listen to how I am, we need to be doing some work. Since worksheets don't help it looks like I'm going to lose CPN input. She said she could maybe find someone else, not a CPN, who could keep in touch with me. She said to think about it and she'll think about things and phone me next week. I am always unimportant. They know I can't phone the Duty CPNs so I go through crises alone. Now I don't have anything to hold on to like I did when my own CPN was phoning me. I don't know if I'll even be allowed to have my own CPN back when she returns.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm so sorry lindsay
That's completely out of order of the stand in cpn.
I thought their job was to listen to how people are and help them!
I get that she wants to maybe see some physical progress like worksheets but if they don't help you then that's absolutely fair enough. One thing can't help everyone in the same way.
You are not unimportant at all.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I agree with Beckie. If you feel able I would definitely complain about that cpn.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
Thank you both. I don't think there's any reason to complain. If they're busy then I'm just wasting time. I'm just scared I won't get my own CPN back, maybe I'll be discharged completely the next time I speak to the stand in CPN. My own CPN has been off for 5 months and the stand in CPN said lots has changed in that time so maybe my own CPN wouldn't check in with me either if the rules have changed or whatever. We worked well together and I always found her useful. She realised when I needed more/different support even when I couldn't explain things well. I'm not going to be able to phone Duty. I'm just going to be alone. I've been holding on in the hope that my CPN will be back soon but now I have nothing to hold on to. Who am I going to reach out to when I'm in a terrible place? I have held on through suicidal times because I knew I had an appointment and hoped to be listened to like my CPN does but the stand in CPN doesn't truly listen. I'll stop ranting, sorry. I'll just have to go it alone. I still have my support worker and we're doing a walking thing for January but then if we can't find another goal I might be discharged from them too. I can't talk to her because they focus on practical support rather than emotional support.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I really don't know what to do. My support worker thinks I should just agree to do some worksheets so I'm still having CPN contact but that is a waste of time for the CMHT since I don't find worksheets helpful. Either through talking about things (which I'm not allowed to do any more) or looking through worksheets I'm just going to waste their time. I'm scared that if I don't do what I'm told I'll be discharged. I don't know if it's only my own CPN who can discharge me or not. I need my own CPN so badly. I need to figure out what I'm going to say to the stand in CPN on Thursday.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm feeling really deeply suicidal today and don't feel like there is anyone I can reach out to. I likely won't try anything unless it gets worse and I do something impulsive so what's the point in seeking help anyway? It's not serious enough to phone Duty. I don't want to phone the stand in CPN because she just makes me feel worse and she might be removing her support for me on Thursday. It hurts so badly but it doesn't seem serious enough to reach out. If my own CPN was back this would be a time when I would phone her. I might try phoning the informal crisis team but they don't start till 5pm.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I went for a walk with my support worker this morning and told her how I'm feeling. She isn't trained to deal with that stuff so she made me promise I'd phone the Duty CPNs. I almost didn't do it and I hung up once. When I made the second call I didn't get to say anything except my name and ask if they were busy and the CPN asked who is covering for my own CPN and I said the stand in CPNs name and he said will he leave a message for her to call me? I just said yes but I wish I had said no, I called Duty to talk to someone there and then not to be waiting for a call which might not come until Thursday because that's when my appointment is. I feel so alone and desperate. I used up my bravery and ended up with nothing to show for it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The CPN called me. She didn't even check if I was safe, and just asked what I do when I feel suicidal. I said talking to people helps but now I'm not allowed to do that. She then went on about what is the right support for me in general since she's not going to use our calls as check ups. I said I'd do the worksheets but don't think they'll help. It turns out she has the power to discharge me and said that they're trying to quickly get people to manage on their own and no one will be open to the service indefinitely. I think I'm going to just say I'll not waste her time with the worksheets. I used to have a really good support service and now it's crumbling. I'm so upset. I have further reasons to kill myself now but I probably won't. I'll just continue crying and self harming. Soon I'll have no professionals to turn to. I wish my own CPN would turn up soon and say I do need support and take over my treatment but I don't think she's coming back any time soon. I'm going to be further isolated. I hope I can kill myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
