I want to ask for a crisis plan but I'm too ashamed and don't think I am unwell enough

[Uglyducklin]

Hi guys I'm sorry to post again but I'm struggling quite a bit right now. I am having treatment for my eating disorder and treatment for trauma. Eating disorders are unaware of the trauma treatmentt ( it is complicated). I am struggling as much as ever with being fat and disgusting and really feeling I need to destroy myself but at the same time I don't want to hurt my mum or let people down but my emotions feel much larger I feel grief stricken, desperately sad , ashamed and violated. I feel frozen in it. I'm dissociating more often and I'm having more panic attacks. My self harm is worse too. I feel distraught. I'm about to begin processing the trauma again and also family work as mum is unaware of much of the abuse. I just feel utterly overwhelmed but you eating disorders nurse feels I need to learn to cope alone which is true but I do feel so terrified and unable to cope and I find reaching out other than online hard( this is hard enough). I'm so scared I will be left in a mess. I want to ask for a crisis plan but feel maybe I don't need or deserve one? I'm scared I will get suicidal again. Sorry this makes no sense.

[Uglyducklin]

Thank you I think what I'm really asking for is the permission to ask for help if I'm really struggling? Your reply really meant a lot.

[Uglyducklin]

On my way to work I feel fat disgusting and like I have failed. I wish my emotions weren't so huge

[Uglyducklin]

I'm such a fat useless piece of **** I had an accident at work the horse I was working with bucked on the end of a lead rope and caught me in the chest as she spun away. A load of stuff that I couldn't have predicted or planned for happened but I still blame myself. My whole body hurts. Everything feels out of control I'm so drained from the intrusive images and I need to escape my body . I wish I could disappear. No appointment until 20th now.

[Uglyducklin]

I'm scared. Feel so low my body is fat and disgusting I can do nothing right. I have lost controls for my body the abuse in my head is so loud. I made a safety plan with the trauma therapist but it is awkward because eating disorders don't know I'm seeing her or what is happening. I can't stop crying I feel frozen. I have to think of an actual person I could call not a helpline and certainly not my mum. I can think of nobody, nobody I could burden with me the fat monster grotesque . **** I feel so alone. I deserve nothing but what do I do how do I find someone? I'm so sorry.

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Auror I honestly don't know. I will tell her next week if I still can't think! I have to wait for a delivery but I feel I should go out even though I'm exhausted. I feel pinned to the bed I'm sorry I'm so pathetic xx

[Uglyducklin]

I am so struggling with disgust and fat and feeling utterly violated. I need to punish myself I hate not having the energy to try healthy coping mechanisms ! The images are awful and I need to work but I can't concentrate. I can feel their hands on me xx

[Fuusheegii]

Of course you deserve a crisis plan. You deserve to be healthy and happy and on the road to recovery!

[Uglyducklin]

Thank you. That means so much I just feel such a fat monster I don't feel like spears on. The images are just hideous.