Intense emotional pain

[one_step_closer]

I asked my GP about a possible autism diagnosis and she referred me for an assessment. I then told my CPN and got the reaction I expected - that she thought there is no way I have autism and it's just mental illness related. I then messaged my GP to say to cancel all the assessments (I was also being assessed by podiatry, and OT for possible dyspraxia which my CPN said I also didn't have). They said they couldn't cancel but I could cancel when an appointment came through. I got an appointment with podiatry and went, I got a letter saying did I still want an appointment with OT and I just ignored it, and I didn't hear anything from the learning disability team but I do think they were quite busy. I don't know if the assessment is going to happen or not.

[The Worst Witch]

Would you feel you would benefit from one?

[one_step_closer]

I do think I'd want to go ahead with it if it's still in the pipeline. I did a lot of things that might have been signs in childhood too but no one picked it up so maybe I don't fit into that category. I don't want to be seen as trying to fit into something I don't.

[The Worst Witch]

I’ll pm you my experiences if that would be helpful? Easier to pm it because it’s long and would have location etc in it x

[Auror.]

I was diagnosed a little over a year ago (when I was 30) and it has definitely changed my mental health support and general care for the better, as places tend to understand I am not just trying to be difficult or uncooperative. I still feel similarly to you about trying to say I have something I do not have, but that would be what the assessment would be able to tell you. I was not diagnosed as a child even though the signs were definitely there, and was misdiagnosed as being psychotic and having a personality disorder for over a decade. Not that those things cannot co-occur with autism spectrum disorder, because they can.

[one_step_closer]

Yes, that might be helpful Alison if it's not too much bother, thank you.

Thanks Camden for sharing your experiences. I do think I definitely have EUPD so my CPN thinks it's all due to that and my past traumas. I did take the test online a while ago and it said I was in the Aspergers category first and the second time it said Autism so I don't know. I would like to get it checked out by a professional anyway. I don't know if I've blown my chance.

[Auror.]

Sorry if this is rude to ask, but is a CPN qualified and trained to diagnose patients? Because while your CPN is entitled to their opinion, unless they are qualified to diagnose you (in general), that's all that is, an opinion. That's why speaking to someone who has the correct qualifications would be important if possible.

[one_step_closer]

I think no is the answer to that. I'm not sure how people would decide if it was autism or just due to my MH problems. I know that a lot of the things I do are related to my MH anyway.

[The Worst Witch]

I'll pm you about all this tonight, but basically I wanted to echo what Camden said - your CPN is just one person, just because she has an opinion that you don't fit the autistic spectrum, without being qualified to do the test/diagnosis properly (which I'm guessing she didn't from what you said) then it is just an opinion.

Try not let that deter you, I've had people say I'm not but I'm entitled to a second opinion and got one.

[one_step_closer]

Thank you.

I'm getting really anxious about going out now. It's a horrible experience. When I went out today everything was extra loud and close. All noises, all objects. Especially traffic, people, and birds. I felt like I was being attacked. I don't really want to go out any more. I'm not sure what to do because I have to collect my prescription every day except for a Sunday and they don't do deliveries. I don't know how to feel safer and less bombarded. It's things from this world and the other world so it is very noisy. I don't want to wear my headphones because I need to be aware of when it's ok to cross the road and if there are people behind me etc.

[one_step_closer]

I need some support but I don't know what to say. I'm getting more and more distressed with each day I have to face, life is so intolerable. Everything is too loud and I can't focus on anything and I can't go out for a walk. I'm feeling very lonely. I'm glad my CPN is phoning tomorrow but there are too many days in between phone calls. I shouldn't even be relying on her like this but there is no one else. The cats are being annoying too and I'm stuck in the house with them. I'm just doing the usual head banging and making distressed noises because that's just what happens when I'm distressed. There are so many hours to face and nothing to do with them. I want to kill myself. Why can't I find a decent method. I have all those pills though, my CPN said not to use them for lethal means so that must mean they could kill me. There is nothing that is going to help me get through life. I don't want to be trapped here. Any time I try to kill myself I just mess up because I am a stupid fucking idiot who can't do anything right. My body doesn't respond to things by dying. I don't know how I'm going to get through this, I am already insane. When does insanity lead to explosion? My head is so full.

[Soft Kitty]

I'm really sorry you're having such an awful time. What sorts of (safe) things help even a little bit when things are so difficult? I totally know doing those things won't make everything better, nor will doing them over and over for long periods really be tenable, but over a shorter period of time they may offer some relief?

This is a suggestion I should probably take for myself too, but I wonder if a DBT workbook might help you to learn some extra distress tolerance skills to help you get even a few minutes of space. It might be something your CPN could help with.

I just wanted to repeat that I definitely don't think it's 'the answer', but that it might help the tiniest bit. I know that the way you're feeling is huge and that that despair is hard to sit with.

Do you think your CPN might offer more support if you were able to let her know that that might be of help? If hospital would normally be on the cards at this stage, it seems reasonable to have really increased support from services in lieu of that.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks for your reply.

I can't seem to find things that help because I struggle to start doing anything and then when I do it feels like a waste of time and I start to get distressed again. I try word searches as they can be calming, using my glitter lamp, using my rocking chair, sitting in the bathroom with the door closed and the window open and listening to the outdoor sounds, there is one song I listen to when I'm wound up. But all these things don't seem to touch anything now. Everything is so huge, that's the only way I can explain it. Everything that distresses me has been magnified and my own distress has also been magnified. I'm not looking forward to having yet another day to battle through.

I'm not very good at using workbooks because it means reading and trying practical things. I'm probably just lazy but I usually can't focus or find the motivation to do anything.

My CPN is phoning today at some point. I know I won't be able to get across how extreme things are. She might arrange for another CPN to phone me on Wednesday and then I have a call from the psych on Thursday and I might be speaking to my CPN again on Friday. There are just so many alone hours.

I just want to be able to kill myself.

[Soft Kitty]

How did you get on with your CPN today? I really hope you felt heard.

[one_step_closer]

I don't know. It's all so hard to convey. I really don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can do any of my normal stuff any more. All I long for is good self harm and sleep. Everything else is unbearable. My CPN said the new psych might have some ideas about my meds but meds rarely help. I am completely on the edge and I want to push myself off into death but I can't seem to find the right method. I don't know if there is an in between this life and death. Life can't be made any better. With the combination of this world and the other world I am in despair and agony and no words will allow that to be expressed. I'm tempted to take an overdose and hope it would kill me since my CPN said not to use the meds for lethal means. I need this to stop forever. Nothing feels ok. Nothing is soothing or comforting or interesting or enjoyable it's just all hell being thrown at me. There is no escape other than suicide.

[Soft Kitty]

I believe that there's a good life for you beyond this. I think we can be under no illusion that that will be an easy journey but I think there's hope for you while you're still alive - though I do think it'll require a leap of blind faith and some steely determination.

I absolutely do not believe that the only way out is suicide, but I hear that you do and that that is an excruciating and dangerous place to be. I deeply hope that you will turn to crisis services for extra support if your risks become too difficult for you to manage. You very much deserve help.

[one_step_closer]

Thank you. I'm getting used to speaking on the phone to my CPN but I'm not sure I could be comfortable with anyone else. Another CPN is phoning me today and the psych on Thursday. There is no set time with the psych just in the afternoon so that will make me very anxious waiting and not knowing when the phone will ring. I'm hoping the psych can see things with fresh eyes and have some ideas about what will help. Stupidly I'm kind of worried I won't understand her accent and it will be harder over the phone. I'll never be ok no matter what treatments and interventions are provided because my brother isn't ok and won't reach out for support. I know I've said this many times.

I've managed to go out for my meds but need to go to Tesco later and I'm extra worried about that. My brother (who works in a different Tesco) says lots of people wear masks so no one should really look at me. People are too close though in supermarkets and I don't fully understand the rules, like are you allowed to overtake people?

I want to bleed out and die. This is not a bearable life.

[nonperson]

I overtake people only if there is space to do so, otherwise I will just wait until they move along. I think that's safe and acceptable to do.

[one_step_closer]

But then you're not 2 meters apart?

Every time I go the other customers have different rules and I've been stuck behind queuing customers in an aisle for ages when there has been room to overtake. I'm really worried about wearing my mask but I've said to myself I will go to Tesco today. I'm maybe going to try and wear my headphones on the walk there but with no music on to see if it will at least dampen down the sounds.

[tamobhuuta]

I hope the trip to Tesco isn't too bad.