please i need help. please.something i post for a long time.

[*..life in pain..*]

As some of you know i have depression. Also as some of you know, sometimes i like it. But its so complicated. Some times i just want to die and end everything. But why do i want to die if i don't want to change? Since i like it that way, you know being depressed and having mental illnesses and i don't want to get better and i don't want to be happy again, why there are times that i want to die? Why do i want and like SIing? Why do i hate myself and want everything bad to myself, since there is a part of me who likes being in pain physically and emotionally?

sorry that i keep asking somewhat the same thing, but i can't help it. i have never posted exactly like this, but they all have the same meaning. does anyone knows or supposes a good explanation for my self-destruction and at the same time the reason i like it?? is it my depression talking?? but i wanted bad things for myself before my depression started. does this mean that something is wrong with me? like an abnormality or something? something with my brain?

[Merc]

I'm sorry but this is nothing WE can answer; only a professional of some sort (plus HARD work on your part) can ever answer this.
If you have no help; look for some.
Call a crisis line, ask where you go from there.
If you were TRULY 'happy' with your life like this you wouldnt be on this forum asking advice.
Look for help is all we can say.
Best of luck
There IS better out there, there really is...after over 30 yrs of depression et al i'm finding that out.
romp

[*..life in pain..*]

thanks. im not sure if i can talk about it to my psychiatrist.

there are times that i don't like being depressed. but what happens all the time, is that i don't want to be happy. i mean people live to do things that make them happy, to be completed as humans, but i don't do anything about it. i don't want to be happy. im attracted to the self-destructive things. i believe they are good, even though i know that people think they are bad.

and thats why i believe its an abnormality.

[Stellata]

Have you ever had good things for yourself? How do you feel about them? Did you feel loved as a child?

[*..life in pain..*]

before my depression, i always wanted to be happy and couldn't stand being sad.as a child, my parents were overprotective and i didn't like it at all. now i don't care. i want to tell them not to let me go out because i don't like going out now.

[Kija]

i sometimes feel like i "enjoy" being depressed, i have now realised that this is because this is a feeling a know most about, i have experianced it the most, and its safe, very few surprises etc. its where you can get comfortable becuase you are there so much. so yeah i think that it can be because its safe and comfortable and familier. once i realised that i started to try and heal myself, its hard but the outcome, however far away that is,will be the best thing ever!!!
xxx

[Marko]

i double what Kija says, you get used to a certain mind set. i've grown to get used to bouncing between major lows and psycotic episodes... when im feeling 'normal' i wish that i wasnt because its not a feeling that i am really used to. its confusing!

i hope you get yourself sorted one way or anyother, we all deserve to at least feel the way we want to.

[*..life in pain..*]

but what if the way i want to be is the destructive one?

[*..life in pain..*]

Im so selfish. everyone here and everywhere wants to get better and have a good life, but i don't want to. i want to be miserable. i feel so alone and selfish.

[Ami]

*huggles*

i feel completely normal now and its really uncomfortable, cos im used to not feeling "normal"

and then depression becomes "normality" so when you come out of it, you dont know what to do with yourself

things are better though, and you deserve to be able to function and think properly x

[*..life in pain..*]

thanks.

[Stellata]

You know, everyone, literally everyone, has a part of themselves that wants to be well, and another part that tries to sabotage that. Just they're in different degrees in different people. And sometimes they're in conflict with each other. Maybe you get something you feel you need by being sad. Maybe there's lots of deep unhappiness you need to express. Maybe it's more complicated than it appears at first glance.

[Sugar and Spice]

*hugs* I know exactly what you mean. I think Katherine is right, I think that we all have parts of ourselves that don't want to get better. Just keep holding on and try to beat the part (however big that part may be) that is trying to destroy you.

[*..life in pain..*]

i will try. thanks.