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Old 12-06-2007, 05:01 PM   #1
JoanGreenwood
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Triggering (Suicide) - Am I Schizophrenic?

It seems most days the only person I talk to is myself, either reciting poetry or engaging in some fantasy world I like to slip to now and then.

It's so easy to touch the other side that you're never meant to venture into. It's like, to others the barrier between these two realms is a huge, glittering wall with spikes and guards, something protecting us from the horrors on the other side of that wall. To me, it's just a line in the dirt over which one can easily cross without fuss or a passport needed.

Neither side seems too real and concrete; the old things you used to rely on can suddenly flex out the way like a snake. Walls breathe and close in on you. Cupid preys on my mind, messing with my romantic notions, drenching up old loves and crushes and revitalises them new and bewitching. Everything can mean something else. Colours take on almost mythical possession. There is always a code hidden in every book and video and piece of music, especially for you. Nothing is as simple as it may seem. The world you once knew is facile and you don't care for it. All you know it what is inside your mind and oh, the possibilities!

Who wouldn't love to live in a world that most only access in their dreams? Anything is possible, laws are meaningless and Physics means little else than the cute Physics teacher you once had a crush on. Your heart's deepest desires come into full play and that can either make or break you. Sometimes, your heart's desire makes you weak with relief or horror at what you truly want. Then again, you have all these false hopes and dreams that infiltrate the true wishes.

I suppose I have the advantage of solitude, that I can indulge my fears and hopes as much as I want to without fear of being told off or anyone worrying whom I am talking to. That's a blessing, with that eerie curse just there, beyond reach. This makes death all that more tempting. I could kill to live in that world forever without worry.

How far can imagination go before you hit insanity? Perhaps I am already there but I am having the time of my life. After all, only in my head can I actually let the dreary world fade and let all the good things that might happen to me in this life are shown. When not dwelling in the desires of my heart, I am dwelling in the depths of depression and I will be fully honest here; I prefer pretending that I will be this famous writer, that I will meet David Tennant, that I will find love in this life than concentrating all my energy on the terrible things in life.


Last edited by JoanGreenwood : 12-06-2007 at 05:03 PM. Reason: Malapropism.


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Old 12-06-2007, 11:50 PM   #2
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Hey, I read your post.


I guess in short, I have to say "I don't know, go see a doctor." That's for a few reasons.

1) I'm not a qualified mental health expert, 2) The term "Schizophrenia," being applied to you is a bit like "Eating Disorder," in that on it's own, it won't tell you much about what you'll experience, the ways it'll get you, and so on.


Some stuff can push you over the edge, so if you're worried, steer clear of hallucinogenic drugs, they won't help you.

It also depends what age you are. By and large, males develop schizophrenic symptoms between 15 and 20 and Females between 20 and 25, and it's worth when you go to see someone to think beforehand if there's anyone in your immediate family with either Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective disorder, or something like that, even stuff like Bipolar, though not in the same strain, can be worth knowing about-gives a good background.


The stuff you describe is pretty...out there. You write well, sometimes people who are articulate enough to describe things in the early stage can be disregarded (it's true that people who are all out schizophrenic are nigh-on unintelligible.) So it's worth it to keep talking to people about stuff. You've done really well to identify this, and although it's a ****ing scary thing to realise you can't trust your own mind as you could even a few weeks previously, there's help out there-even if you're not Schizophrenic, you can have big stuff going on, and it can be sorted out, just takes time, that's all.



All the best,



Simon.



Constituting a personality disordered threat to society since 1989.


Why be an actress when you can be a liar?

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Old 12-06-2007, 11:51 PM   #3
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BTW-I hope that made sense, I'm not really in a fit state to judge at the minute, PM me if you want clarification. Heh, the not trusting your mind bit sucks a lot.



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Old 17-06-2007, 12:22 PM   #4
sherlock holmes
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I can relate to a lot of things you wrote, because I do them too, but I'm not schizophrenic.

For a lot of people, they cope by entering into their own fantasy world and imagining meeting famous people, or doing impossible things. A lot of people even talk to themselves, it's a myth that it's the first sign of madness.

If you feel like you're losing touch with reality, and sometimes can't be sure what's real and what's not, then that's the time to think about seeing a psychiatrist.



Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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Old 17-06-2007, 10:28 PM   #5
The Midnight Crazies
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Well I'm no doctor so I really wouldn't know but it seems to me you're quite lonely & thus you live in this 'dream world' as you're saying so you realize what's real and what's not. I agree when you feel you're losing touch with reality then you might wanna talk to a dr.

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Old 17-06-2007, 10:33 PM   #6
Marko
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as zoro said, we cant tell you that you are or are not schizophrenic, you need a lot of medical assessing to reach that answer.

ive been schizoaffective for several years, im coping with it (just). if you want to speak then please feel free to find me on msn, my address is on my profile.

just because you chat to yourself doesnt instantly mean your schiz.., as has been said, many people talk to themself as a way of coping. its when you shut the real world out totally and sink into your own world all the time you need to worry, if you even know you have sank into your own world.

you write beautifully by the way, just so you know that.



hush little baby, don't say a word, and never mind that noise you heard
it's just the beast under your bed, in your closet, in your head


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Old 19-06-2007, 01:58 AM   #7
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A big bit of being Schizophrenic is that you don't understand you don't live in reality anymore. I'm not getting into this with reference to me-I know I'm right, and I don't do well being challenged on it, because I am right, so yeah. Thing is, if you are worrying, off your own bat, that you're losing touch with reality, it doesn't sound like schizophrenia-which is more "I''m right, you're wrong, don't **** with me by telling me otherwise."



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