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Old 22-08-2015, 03:08 AM   #1
CaptainB2
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
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Ashley Madison's effect on my family

My sister informed me this afternoon that she found our father's name on the list of those exposed by the Ashley Madison data breach. It's definitely him and not someone with the same name as the email address is an old one of his.

I'm not sure what to do. This doesn't mean he had an affair. It just means he was considering at some point. My parents are in their 50s, were high school sweethearts who've now been married 32 years, and are now living the dream out in Hawaii. They moved out there last year. They do everything together. Hell, they hardly even know anyone else out there. This may be denial but I find it extremely hard to believe my dad had an affair. Still, there's hard proof though that he at least had a membership to a dating site promoting affairs.

The website was new in 2001 so the data could be as old as 14 years. The email address associated with the account was an older one and the street address info did not match any address we'd ever lived at (it just included city and zip code but it's nowhere my family ever lived).

There's a part of me that wants to simply sweep this under the rug and forget all about it. In addition to my parents having a good relationship with each other, I also have a good relationship with both of them. They just recently flew all the way back to Virginia to visit for a week.

The other part of me needs to know the truth and find out if it was just a terrible mistake from my father's past or what. I need to know if he just got real low and made the membership or if there was an actual affair. Still, I'm almost afraid to know the truth. I'm also afraid of what consequences the truth will have on my family. I can't just drop this and move on, right? Or can I?

Help...




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




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Old 22-08-2015, 10:57 AM   #2
Harley
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I can imagine what a tough situation this is for you, and the 37 million other families around the world this might also potentially affect.

Firstly, as you said, it is not in itself any proof that he was ever unfaithful, had an affair, or even pursued any such course of action in any way.

I would say the fact that the address/zip code is not one that is recognizable suggests that there was never any intention of using the service to set-up any actual liaisons. If someone was planning to meet up with someone else, then they couldn't use an address far away (unless it was a work travel destination etc)

Very long term relationships, especially with someone who you've been with exclusively since young can lead to some tricky conflicts. If/when the passion is lost and companionship takes over - curiosity...that feel if the grass being greener, is a well known conflict. Many of course don't act, some do - and I would well imagine there are also some 'inbetweeners'.

I don't support the morals behind that website one tiny bit, but it serves a need that would exist whether or not it did. I've recently heard the founder defend the sites position that having an affair can save marriages. It's shaky ground for me, but there might be something in it.

If someone is in a very long term, committed relationship and for one reason or another are not getting what they need in some way - then they have three choices. Discuss and hope to change things with their partner, ignore it completely and suppress those needs, or attempt to provide for those needs outside the marriage. Kids etc complicate things further of course.

Window shopping on adultery websites could may be put in the same category as looking at porn. Something the spouse might very well not like, feel threatened by, even feel betrayed by - but which happens in a lot of marriages which would could break down if it wasn't to happen. It's bending the rules to keep things together rather than breaking them perhaps.

I think, unless the address marked is near 'his regional office' which he used to travel to or something then you can put this down as window shopping/curiosity at most and move on - it was likely a long time ago and since then, other major changes have improved/solved the conflicts which might have caused the need.

But, as with every single family caught up in this mess - you have every right to know, and ask if you feel that is what you need to move on from this. You shouldn't feel any guilt for this - and in most cases like yours rational, reasonable explanations will be able to be given.

Hope that helps a bit - good luck

Harley



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