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Old 09-11-2019, 07:53 PM   #1841
one_step_closer
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This is all wrong. I need to be doing something. Don't know what, don't know what, don't know what. Just something risky. I have a cat sitting on my lap at the moment but I might move him if it becomes important to wander. The light is weird and the sounds are weird and there is screaming in the corners. Something is wrong and I need to fix it. I'm sorry for not fixing things properly.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-11-2019, 06:46 PM   #1842
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I don't know how to stop the followers from screaming in the corners. They are trying to tell me that something is wrong but that's too broad and I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I wish I could talk this through with someone but yet again I can't make a phone call. Crisis were supposed to come and see me today to review my phone plan but no one showed up. I really need a person.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-11-2019, 09:10 PM   #1843
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Is there anyone who could phone crisis on your behalf to see why they did not come?



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 11-11-2019, 11:28 AM   #1844
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I could email but my key worker is coming to do a review on Wednesday so I'll probably just mention it to her then. I'm anxious about seeing her, it's my first review with her as my key worker.

In bed last night I thought about saving up my meds to overdose but I did take them normally today. I pick up my prescription daily so it would take ages to save them up. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing about anything, about the distress of the followers.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 11-11-2019, 07:20 PM   #1845
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This is going to sound like an intense suggestion and may or may not be practical right now, but have you ever considered a graded exposure programme for using the phone? I did one for using public transport years ago, and it was hard but it worked a treat. It might not work for this but it might be worth suggesting to your CPN or keyworker if it's something you think might be helpful.

Well done on taking your medication properly, especially as you are having difficult thoughts around it. That's very brave.

Can you talk more about the followers and what they need or would that not feel helpful?

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Old 11-11-2019, 08:33 PM   #1846
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My previous key worker who now only works on crisis at the weekend did say she could put a plan in place so I would phone a certain number of times or they would phone me or whatever. I just said no because I was too anxious but I should maybe try and arrange something with them. If I can arrange it for when someone I know I can talk to is on crisis then it might be a bit easier although I'm comfortable with my previous key worker but I've still phoned and hung up on her. I will try and mention a crisis plan with my new key worker on Wednesday if we have time.

I don't really know much about the followers or how to help them. They are the men's followers and when they get distressed they scream in the corners. I have a corner protector that I carry around with me all the time in the back of my phone that is supposed to help with the screaming but it doesn't always and a lot of the time I don't even think to take it out of my phone and use it. The followers never properly communicate, just scream. Helping them would probably involve some kind of risky thing but I'm terrible at risky things now, I really do feel like the part of my brain that successfully does risky things is damaged/paralysed. Even when I manage to do something it's not enough. Like I should be saving up my meds to overdose but something in my brain isn't letting that happen. I hate it. I hope to find a way to override it. I need to be safe enough this week though because I'm seeing my brother at the end of the week. Then I need to get on with sorting things out.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-11-2019, 02:20 PM   #1847
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That sounds really scary and I'm not surprised you find it distressing. I wonder if they, and you, need kindness and compassion rather than pain. You've been through so much pain as it is.

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Old 12-11-2019, 03:09 PM   #1848
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I am far too kind to myself. The followers definitely deserve some kindness, as does the rest of this world and the other world if there are people there other than the men but, me, no. I have been too safe for too long, it's not right.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-11-2019, 05:42 PM   #1849
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I'm really panicky, I'm not sure exactly why but it's probably a combination of really stupid things. I have to take the cats to the vet this evening and I'm worried about phoning for a taxi and then being in the taxi and then I don't know if I should ask the taxi if they will wait and take me home. I also had contact with three people in a short space of time today when I was walking home. Only very brief contact - one person had a conversation with me and then I walked a bit further and the postman waved to me then when he turned the corner another lady was close to me and just said hi but it all felt like too much interaction and I was very glad to get home. It would have been less than 5 minutes in total of interaction. I'm never going to be able to have a normal adult life. I'm so anxious and I'm worried about my brother because he is anxious too and has to face up to things on a daily basis. I kind of feel like just giving up on everything and hiding away but I do need to get my cats to the vet, that's important.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old Today, 08:15 PM   #1850
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I failed to convey my distress to my CPN yet again. I had written about the other world stuff - the followers and the wandering and stuff, and about being extra anxious and pacing lots, thoughts of ODing, wanting to self harm better, etc. She didn't really seem concerned about anything she just told me not to OD and checked her computer to see if I had an appointment with cardiology.

I didn't make it to the gym group after my appointment with my CPN despite the worker planning to meet me 15 minutes before so we could walk there together. I can't do an appointment and then the group and that is kind of pathetic since people who work do one thing after another and on and on. My next appointment with my CPN isn't on the same day as the group though as I did tell her it makes me less likely to be able to go. The worker said that people should always be coming to the gym group unless they have an appointment or something, like it's a job and there is no choice. That is scary.

I'm afraid of what the future might hold. When my key worker was doing my review she asked if I had hope for things changing, as part of the questionnaire, and I said no. But I don't even want things to change. Change will only make things worse. People want me and them to do things to make my life easier and more fulfilling but right now this is as good as things can be, while I'm not under huge pressure. Anything else will be pressure and will make things worse. I can't be a normal adult. I have to kill myself if people expect more from me.

My brother is having a hard time. Life is one huge worry and full of emotional pain.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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