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Old 08-11-2019, 12:08 PM   #21
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Thank you :) I'm getting by. I sort of stayed safe but I was doing some unhelpful things so I contacted the crisis team and I'm being seen by them for a little while.

I'm finding it difficult to pin down what is going on for me. I suspect there are lots of feelings I'm battling with. I just can't connect to them. Maybe I need to try and write a list of the little things that have happened over the past few weeks to lead me to this place, because right now I feel like I have nothing to say. But there's probably a lot I do need to try and work through.

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Old 08-11-2019, 02:59 PM   #22
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I'm glad you managed to contact crisis and they are offering you some support at the moment. Writing things down sounds like a good idea, even if it looks like a big jumble. I know that for myself a lot can be happening but I feel like I have nothing to say when it comes to appointments etc so writing things down can be useful. I hope that you can find a way to feel less disconnected but be able to deal with whatever feelings do come up for you in a healthy way. Do you know what you'd like from seeing the crisis team?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 08-11-2019, 03:11 PM   #23
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Thank you. I'm not too sure what I'd like from the crisis team. I'm struggling to trust them a bit. I'm scared that since really believe me (that I feel suicidal) because it doesn't really show. It's probably something I should check out with them, but I also fear it sounds stupid.

Also, do I really believe me? I'm managing to stay safe most of the time. I don't always feel suicidal, it's fluctuating and worse on an evening. I can also be logical and know that if I'm not 100% sure about suicide, I shouldn't do it. And I'm not (100% sure) and that's the truth and it feels very lonely.

I think I can be very logical at times, but I find it hard to express how I'm feeling. I'm not really sure how I'm actually feeling. I don't have imminent plans to end my life, but that risk is very much there anyway. I don't know what I/they are meant to do with that. I don't know how to talk through what's brought me to this point. I'm scared. I'm tired.

I will try writing some stuff down to say next time I see them. I will also try phoning them if I'm feeling really unsafe.

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Old 08-11-2019, 07:09 PM   #24
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I can also relate to not being sure if people believe how you're feeling if it doesn't show clearly on the outside. I hope they do believe you, and I hope you don't feel like you have to be doing something extreme to show your distress. I don't think it sounds stupid to ask if they believe you, if it would help make things clearer for you. I believe you, people can be really suicidal without 100% thinking it's the right thing/wanting to die and suicidal feelings can be more intense or less intense at different times. It's all real, it's all pain.

Sorry I'm just saying I relate to this etc, but I also do get what you mean about not having plans to end your life but the risk still being there and not knowing what people can do about that. I think that partly just saying that and having it out in the open can be useful. So people know that there is some risk around. Please do phone crisis if you're feeling unsafe or even if it would just help to have some contact. Is it important to you to talk through the background to what led you to this point, or is it enough to focus on the here and now and what might be useful in the moment? Or are they kind of tangled together? Do try writing something if you can, you might be surprised by what you're able to write that you might not have been able to vocalise.

Evenings can be really hard. How are you doing this evening?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 08-11-2019, 09:23 PM   #25
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I don't mind you relating to me, I'm very grateful not to feel alone, though I'm sorry you can relate. I think I'm less likely to act on thoughts while I'm under the crisis team because I kind of commit myself to phoning them before doing anything, if that makes sense. Maybe I will ask them if they believe me next time I speak to them, thank you.

You're right that is better to have things in the open than keeping secrets.

Things do feel very tangled up at the moment. Sometimes they get untangled, but by the time I come to speak to someone, I've forgotten what I'm going through most of the time. I think there some dissociation there. I will keep trying to write. I've been emailing the Samaritans a bit, which has felt easier in some ways. I can talk about risk with the crisis team, but I'm finding it hard to process the whys with them, which the Samaritans are helping with.

I'm bearing up tonight. Feel a bit better than earlier. Got very upset at work because I thought I had done something wrong in life to have caused trauma and things to happen. But I managed to do my work and now I'm home and I'm glad about that.

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Old 08-11-2019, 09:38 PM   #26
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I can also relate. Sorry I don't have better words, but if dissociation is also an issue for you and you feel unsafe, are there things that help you stay more present that might be worth trying? Sometimes feeling unsafe and dissociating can go hand in hand, so maybe working on staying present and knowing you are safe where you are in that moment can be useful.



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 08-11-2019, 11:41 PM   #27
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Thanks so much. I will reply properly tomorrow when my brain's a bit less mushy.

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Old 09-11-2019, 03:28 PM   #28
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Thank you. I do really need to sort out dissociation and elements relating to that. I think it might be a bit of a long-term job, but things that help include trying to get back into my body by using some grounding techniques my therapist taught me, learning to be more reflective, and doing engaging tasks such as knitting or drawing. It's there anything you find helpful for dealing with dissociation?

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Old 09-11-2019, 06:58 PM   #29
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I don't know if this would be of any use to you, but I have a wristband that says 'I am here' which I try to look at often especially if I feel like I'm starting to dissociate. Is there a phrase that is important to you that could ground you?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 11-11-2019, 08:29 PM   #30
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That sounds like a good idea Lindsay. It's always positive to have new tools like that, especially ones which are on you all the time. I'll look into getting a wristband. I also like things which smell quite strong/nice, I like essential oil blends, maybe I need to put a little pack of grounding stuff together.

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Old 11-11-2019, 08:36 PM   #31
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There are beaded bracelet things that have essential oils or something in them, right? I'm sure I've seen them advertised.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 11-11-2019, 08:50 PM   #32
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There are, I think I may even have one somewhere, good thinking!

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Old 12-11-2019, 12:08 PM   #33
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Do you have ideas about what other things you could put in a grounding pack? Things with different textures can be helpful sometimes. I know someone who has a recorded message from their therapist which helps them, is that something that might be useful for you if your therapist would allow it? Otherwise there are things like affirmations recordings if any of them mean something to you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 13-11-2019, 11:45 AM   #34
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I have a tub of Mohdoh so that could be helpful. I've never really used tangles and fidget toys but could maybe try one of those. Maybe small toys/games that help me engage my brain could work too. I will give it some thought! That's lovely that your friend's therapist did that, I don't think I would dare ask mine but I do have a CD by my yoga teacher so that could be grounding/comforting.

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Old 13-11-2019, 12:21 PM   #35
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I have a tangle and other things that I use as fidgets. Tangles have a lot of options and you can get shiny one and fuzzy ones if those are things you like. Fidget cubes are also a thing but I know personally I find them overwhelming. A lot of the things I have are little things I have collected such as small stones and fossils and little toys. So you don't have to get things that are specifically fidgets. Anything that you like the feel of or look of can be a fidget. If there's a toy shop near you I often just find browsing in the cheap toy section where little stuff like slinkies and bouncy balls are can come up with things. Or if you like nature some stones or shells or fossils etc can all be options.



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This is happening, this is part of you.


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