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Old 07-08-2012, 06:59 AM   #1
PaleMoon
 
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Can't Sleep

I have to get up for work at 5:30, and it's almost 1:00 AM, but I just can't sleep.

I had two flashbacks, one right after the other. And I just feel so drained, but I can't sleep.

I just feel so different from other people. I called my girlfriend, and she was so happy. I could hear her dad and her sister joking in the background as they watched the Olympics. More than anyone else, I know my girlfriend's family has had their share of problems, but despite it, they're just so stable. They're not split up and broken off in a million different directions. They're not waiting for their dad to lose his job again or have yet another heart attack or their brother to hit them again, or moving yet again...

I feel so awful for being jealous of her, but I am. I know my family loves me, and I love them. But when I'm with my girlfriend's family, I'm so painfully aware of how dysfunctional my family was, and still is, to some extent.

When my girlfriend is comforting me, she says, "It's over, it's over. You're safe." But it's never over, it seems like. It plays over and over like a broken tape. I get so goddamn tired of it, but it just keeps going.

I feel like an object. I feel so...non-human. I expect to be treated like an object all the time. I'm terrified to tell anyone any of this except my girlfriend because everyone else I know might put me back in the hospital if they knew. I'm so terrified of the hospital. I'll do anything to stay out of it.

Anyway, I'll stop before this gets any more depressing. I'll go try to sleep. I guess I just needed to get this out here where somebody will see it who might understand.



My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)

I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.

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Old 07-08-2012, 07:10 AM   #2
Stellata
 
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I too feel pain, rage, jealousy when I see happy families.
I also have spent much of my life feeling like an object, non human, just something for people to ridicule and attack. But I've never been put in hospital - why would they do that? What you need is to be treated kindly, to have a healthy sense of self built up. Loving relationships and psychotherapy are two of the things that can aid in that.

Flashbacks are draining. And with being so hypervigilant, constantly on high alert, doesn't allow relaxation that encourages sleep. What have you tried to help you sleep?

I also understand and have experienced the painful conflict of knowing my parents love and loved me, but also knowing the horrors I experienced. How do you equate that with love? [rhetorical question... but one that is constantly pondered].

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Old 07-08-2012, 01:45 PM   #3
PaleMoon
 
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Thanks for your kind reply :)

If I'm being intensely, painfully honest, I'd admit that self-harm plus a shower is what gets me to sleep easiest and quickest. My job is in healthcare, and I need to be alert for it. On a weekday, I can't afford to toss and turn and be afraid of nightmares. I know it's awfully unhealthy. I know I'm taking the easy way out. But after almost 5 years, I have it basically down to a science. I keep them so clean, they don't even scar anymore...

I've been put in the hospital 5 times, always against my will and always without warning. No one bothered to tell me why, just that I was going. I live in the US, and it costs so much money to go into the hospital, and I'd miss work! Hospitals are always locked here, and you never stay long, just long enough to get diagnosed and drugged (two weeks max). The staff there have said some pretty awful things to me, and I had awful reactions to the drugs they gave me. It costs so much money to see a psychotherapist too, and I only have basic insurance...

My girlfriend says she will never get mad at me for self-harming. She helps so much. I just don't want to rely on her too much.


Last edited by PaleMoon : 07-08-2012 at 01:59 PM. Reason: Add-on


My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)

I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.

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Old 07-08-2012, 11:41 PM   #4
high.hopes
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Hey, it sounds like things are quite difficult for you at the moment and I can most definatlely sympathise with how lack of sleep affects things. I think firstly, it's important to remember how important sleep is and how without it our mind might play tricks on us? As for help with sleep, have you read the advice section on here for it? Things like a bath, hot drink, no caffeinated drinks after a certain time, good bedtime routine, reading a book etc help? You also mentioned hospital... If sleeping is something that is really affecting you at the moment, as you would like to avoid hospitalisation, are you in a position to possible take some time off work, and dedicate it souly to getting your body and mind back into a good and stable routine? I understand this might not be possible, but just a suggestion if avoiding missing work due to hospitalisation is something you're concerned about?



And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears...


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