Life, please... no more

[Kahlia1981]

My cold has made it's way to my chest and seems to want to be staying there. Meh. I hate colds. Especially when it's midsummer here (why is it that whenever I write midsummer I get the urge to quote lines from A Midsummer Night's Dream ??) and we are consistently getting days in the 30's (Celsius) with humidity at least 70% for most of the day ... and if we get little bits of rain then the following night/day is almost unbearable.

Anyway, I've distracted myself. Which at the present time is not hard to do. I've managed to partly clean two rooms so far today and it's only about 13:30 so I've still got plenty of time to get things in an okay state for my two housemates. I feel like crap sometimes that I don't have a full schedule of work or study like they do. I started thinking that maybe I should move but I don't have anywhere to go, unless I don't defer uni and go down there next year. Because then I only have a short time left to feel like this. But then again, maybe this feeling is only there because of my being sick and being a bit mentally unwell.

University and study is still keeping me going, but I'm struggling right at the present time with the feeling that my life just isn't worth while living. I can't help feeling that there isn't a point to keeping on going and that everyone would be better off without me around. I can't separate this feeling from my thoughts and so forth, so I can't work out whether it's steming from my head or from my disorder. I always get depressed around christmas. It's not a jolly holiday for me. I've had a really good friend die on christmas day and I must admit that I would like to do the same thing. But I don't want to leave my friends grieving in that manner. So it leaves me feeling confused.

Anyway, I guess it's not important, and whatever will happen will happen.

If we shadows have offended
Think but this and all is mended
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear.
- A Midsummer Night's Dream : Shakespeare

[mouse in darkness]

Its ok kahlia they probebly don't think like that, and they prbably don't want you to leave at the moment or at all. They are your friends one of which understands you alot more than you think. You know that they care and love you like family.

[Kahlia1981]

Suicide is Painless - (Theme from M*A*S*H*)

Through early morning fog I see,
Visions of the things to be,
The pains that are withheld for me,
I realize and I can see...

[REFRAIN]:

That suicide is painless.
It brings on many changes.
And I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make,
All our little joys relate,
Without that ever-present hate,
But now I know that it's too late, and...

[REFRAIN]

The game of life is hard to play,
I'm gonna lose it anyway.
The losing card I'll someday lay,
So this is all I have to say.

[REFRAIN]

The only way to win is cheat,
And lay it down before I'm beat,
And to another give my seat,
For that's the only painless feat.

[REFRAIN]

The sword of time will pierce our skins.
It doesn't hurt when it begins.
But as it works its way on in,
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...

[REFRAIN]

A brave man once requested me,
to answer questions that are key.
Is it to be or not to be?
And I replied 'Oh why ask me?'

[REFRAIN]

'Cause suicide is painless.
It brings on many changes.
And I can take or leave it if I please.

...And you can do the same thing if you choose.

[Kahlia1981]

I had a bad night last night .... and I have no-one I can talk to about it irl. It's left me extremely scared. My fault I'm sure. I cut myself in my sleep. I woke up from a nightmare at 02:30 this morning. I dreamt that I'd cut myself in my sleep and woke up to find that I had. The blade was still in my hand. I was extremely lucky I guess in one way .... I only placed two cuts upon my skin, and also nowhere that people irl will ever see it. But it raises the questions in my head .... Does it count as SI if I did it without being fully aware I was doing so ? Does it mean I have to start my count again ? Does it count as a slip ? But even more worrying to me .... What if it happens again and I don't wake up as early ???? What if I do some serious damage to myself where everyone irl can see it ?

I'm so f*cking selfish. I shouldn't be worried about this. I should just let it go. It was probably for the best anyway. I just don't know what to do ... and if I start telling people irl about it I'm just going to hurt them and lose their trust ... which I guess I deserve. But it's all my fault anyway so I should just stop complaining.

Sorry.

[Pomegranate]

There is no need to apologise. You aren't selfish Kahlia. It sounds really frightening for you and it is NOT your fault. I think all the concerns you have made are the exact reasons why you really do need to tell someone about this in real life, somebody like your psych so that they can give you some advice and help to stop this happening to you. You don't have to give up your recovery count. This can just be a slip.

*hugs* try and take care hun x

[ravynsoul]

*hugs* I agree with Emma, you don't have to give up your recovery count and don't apologize for posting... I don't know what else to say...

*leaves lots of hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

Thanks Emma & Ravyn .... I can't talk to my pdoc right now - partly because it's a weekend and presently nighttime, but also because he is on holidays until mid-January. I opened up to one of my housemates : I'm scared that I've worried her. I don't want to worry anyone else .... I just don't know what to do. I mean, I know that I need to open up about it to someone who can help or can help me figger out what to do about it if it happens again .... sort of help to keep me calm if nothing else .... but ..... I don't know. I just want to scream my head off. Can I scream here and now since I can't scream irl. *screams*

*curls up in a corner crying*

[ravynsoul]

*hugs*

Feel free to scream here as much as you need to Kahlia.... hopefully it will help you release some of your feelings.

Did your pdoc leave the name of someone you could call while he is on holidays if you needed it? or do you have the number of a crisis line you could call so you could talk to someone on the phone if you needed to talk and calm down? You don't have to worry about worrying them, as they are there to help.

*leaves lots of hugs and cuddles*

[Kahlia1981]

It happened again last night .... the dream, the cutting and the freaking out. I spent the early hours of this morning crying because I feel so out of control. Now I'm sitting here looking at the pictures that I drew when I was the most out of control before. Round about the year 2000 and onwards. Graveyards, daggers, knives of all sorts, devils vs angels .... listening to Jewel .... trying to bleed out all the tears. Trying to find a way to get past all this. I feel like .... I'm standing in deep water and bailing myself out with a straw, I'm drowning .... Maybe there is no way out from here. I just don't know anymore.

[Kahlia1981]

Would you believe three nights in a row ?? Getting worse each night. Last night we can add sleepwalking to the mix. I apparantly walked to the kitchen and grabbed a carving knife. I don't know whether I used the carving knife or my regular stanley blade. It could have been a mix of the two. I woke with a start with the kitchen knife in my hand and the stanley blade beside it. That's at least 10 cuts now over three nights. One on my shoulder where everyone irl will see it if I don't cover it completely. I'm ringing my doctors office today to see if there's any suggestions for who to call in an emergency. I get the feeling that the only help that's out there at present is the CAT (community assessment and treatment) team .... and they tend to be anything but helpful. The majority of the time they act as if SH is purely attention seeking. I don't know if they will take the time to realise that this is scaring the living daylights out of me.

I'm using Within Temptation's music to keep me fairly calm at present. That and my fading hope that I'll get through this.

Right now I just want to scream. I can't do it irl so thank the gods for RYL. A place where I can allow myself to vitually express the hell that my head puts me through. The one place I can scream without worrying overly about the consequences.

*screams*

[ravynsoul]

*offers safe hugs and cuddles*

Kahlia, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles at night... I would be scared too... is there anyway you can put any potentially dangerous objects away at night so that it would be really hard for you to get at them while sleep-walking without waking up?

I hope calling your doctor's office will be helpful... let us know how that goes... That is frustrating the CAT doesn't understand self-harm and that it's not often about attention seeking.

Wish I could help make you feel better... just now I'm listening and hearing your screams and your pain and thinking of you.

*hugs*

take care

[Kahlia1981]

Our Solemn Hour

[For anyone who doesn't know .... Sanctus Espiritus means "Holy Spirit"]

Sanctus Espiritus redeem us from our solemn hour
Sanctus Espiritus insanity is all around us
Sanctus Espiritus! Sanctus Espiritus! Sanctus Espiritus!

In my darkest hours I could not foresee
That the tide could turn so fast to this degree
Can't believe my eyes
How can you be so blind?
Is the heart of stone, no empathy inside?
Time keeps on slipping away and we haven't learned
So in the end now what have we gained?

Sanctus Espiritus, redeem us from our solemn hour
Sanctus Espiritus, insanity is all around us
Sanctus Espiritus, is this what we deserve,
can we break free from chains of never-ending agony?

Are they themselves to blame, the misery, the pain?
Didn't we let go, allowed it, let it grow?
If we can't restrain the beast which dwells inside
it will find it's way somehow, somewhere in time
Will we remember all of the suffering
Cause if we fail it will be in vain

Sanctus Espiritus, redeem us from our solemn hour
Sanctus Espiritus, insanity is all around us
Sanctus Espiritus, is this what we deserve,
can we break free from chains of never-ending agony?

Sanctus Espiritus! Sanctus Espritus!

Sanctus Espiritus, redeem us from our solemn hour
Sanctus Espiritus, insanity is all around us
Sanctus Espiritus, is this what we deserve,
can we break free from chains of never-ending agony?

Sanctus Espiritus, redeem us from our solemn hour
Sanctus Espiritus, insanity is all around us
Sanctus Espiritus, is this what we deserve,
can we break free from chains of never-ending agony?

[Kahlia1981]

Courage

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well"
"I ate before I came"

Then someone tells me how good I look
and for a moment
For a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone
No one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment
For a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
Together we'll make it through somehow

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

[Kahlia1981]

Angels

Sparkling angel
I believe
You are my saviour
In my time of need

Blinded by faith
I couldn't hear
All the whispers
The warning's so clear

I see the angels
I'll lead them to your door
There is no escape now
Now mercy no more

No remorse 'cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart

[Chorus:]
You took my heart
Deceived me right from the start
You showed me dreams
I wished they'd turn to real
You broke the promise
And made me realise
It was all just a lie

Sparkling angel
Couldn't see
Your dark intentions
Your feelings for me

Fallen angel
Tell me why?
What is the reason?
The thorn in your eye

I see the angels
I'll lead them to your door
There is no escape now
No mercy no more

No remorse 'cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart

[Chorus]

Could have been forever
Now we have reached the end

This world may have failed you
It doesn't give the reason why
You could have chosen
A different path of life

The smile when you tore me apart

[Chorus:]
You took my heart
Deceived me right from the start
You showed me dreams
I wished they'd turn in to real
You broke a promise
And made me realise
It was all just a lie

Could have been forever
Now we have reached the end

[ravynsoul]

*hugs* how are you doing today Kahlia?

[Kahlia1981]

Ravyn : I'm not doing too brilliantly actually ...

I slept most of today. Not all in one stretch though. Generally I've been sleeping for about one maybe two hours then wake for whatever reasons and then crash out again an hour or two later. I wake with a start from the depths of dreamland and then am fully awake - basically doing a full-on bodycheck to make sure that I haven't injured myself - before succumbing to sleep again.

Both in the early hours of this morning and during the day I had the dream again. I got away without any injuries luckily. Well, at least so far today I have. It's currently 23:45 so I'm going to attempt to sleep shortly.

Tomorrow .... a day that I wish would never come. Kat would have been 26 tomorrow. She may be gone, but her memories linger on. I guess I just can't let her go. Bad Kahlia ... you should let her go to be at peace. Selfish bitch keeping the dead here in this realm of the living.

My apologies.

I guess it can best be summed up thus:

I embody the darkness yet the fear invades me bringing with it the memories of the hell only I can be forced to endure. There is nothing that I am but the vision of the past. The blood that runs in my veins is tainted with the evil that regularly invades my soul and to be set free I must destroy the one thing that I am .... Me.

[ravynsoul]

*Hugs*
Kahlia, I'm sorry I can't offer more right now, but I'm thinking of you and keep hoping that things get better real soon... hope I can leave a better response tomorrow.. *leaves lots of hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

Happy New Year ..... well it's 09:00 and so far this year has been just like the last.

Anyway, I've been reading sections of What is the matter with Mary Jane? by Wendy Harmer (and Sancia Robinson). It's a pretty awesome play. I never did drama at school or I would probably have had a much closer time with this play. I don't know how many people have (or if anyone here has) even heard of it. It's brilliant in some ways. Some of the thoughts and feelings and phraseology matches in some extreme ways to the way that my mind is presently working in the "disordered" eating scheme. Like ....

This is a quote ... one that will probably get me in trouble but anyway. It's taken from early in the play from the section "In the Mirror".

When I am skinny

When I am skinny ....

I'll laugh all the time
I'll be very cool
I'll be in the magazines
And look good by the pool

The sun will be shining
I'll drive a fast car
I'll meet Ronan Keating
I'll be a star

My eyes will be sparkling
My arms will be brown
My legs will be long
I'll wear a silk gown

I'll have loads of friends
I'll never be wrong
I'll be healthy and wealthy
wise and strong

I'll always be kind
I'll always be nice
I'll always be good
I'll only eat rice

I'll jog every morning
And run every night
I'll be light as a feather
As high as a kite

I'll only drink water
I'll live on fresh air
I'll float through the heavens
With the moon in my hair

It's pretty powerful some of the content of this play. I'm not encouraging anyone to go out and read it though. I'm just marvelling at the way the eating disorder spectrum is being presented.

They actually comment in the reviews that it is conspicuous that the "healing" of Sancia is left out. There is nothing in the play that talks about the way Sancia overcomes her illness. That should probably be illnesses as she begins with anorexia and then (after hospitalisation) enters the bulimia struggle.

Okay this is turning into a pretty long winded book review so I'll leave it there. That wasn't actually where I was originally heading with my talks about the play ....

-----

I may have gotten away last night without injuring myself but I wasn't so lucky the night before. Point one, two of the cuts that occurred were somewhere obvious. Point two, I must have been pretty dehydrated because the skin split like nothing on earth. It's now steri-stripped. I'm partly wondering if I really require stitches on it. I'm scared that I might. I'm also a bit terrified that it might get infected. I am keeping it fairly clean however with iodine wipes twice daily, re-steri-stripping regularly and it presently has a [humongous] protective pad over it.

I guess that I was right to feel worried that the nocturnal cutting was getting, and going to get, worse. And that worry is still there. I opened up about things with my other housemate this morning. Basically because the only way to hide the giant pad on my arm would be to wear a long-sleeve shirt which would be slightly odd in the middle of summer. We had a bit of a chat about things and he raised a really good point. If we remove all obvious implements of self-destruction [otherwise known as tools, blades, et cetera] then I might, in my sleep state, start to get creative. The big problem is that I really can't fault him. And logically that would put my health at a greater risk as I start to use implements of which there is no way of checking the sterility .... which of course introduces infection to the mix.

He told me that I need to speak to my pdoc. I agree wholeheartedly with him there, so I've sent off an email this morning. He probably won't get it until he returns to work but I can't contact him until that point anyway.

I just don't quite know what to do.

[Pomegranate]

It sounds to me like you are doing all you can do about it at the moment. I think it was a very responsible thing emailing your pdoc and you should be very proud of yourself. One point about the cuts though maybe- I didn't think you were supposed to change steri strips. Dressings, yes but not the strips themselves. Might be wrong though but yeah, thought would mention. I hope you start to feel better soon *offers safe hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

It sounds to me like you are doing all you can do about it at the moment. I think it was a very responsible thing emailing your pdoc and you should be very proud of yourself. One point about the cuts though maybe- I didn't think you were supposed to change steri strips. Dressings, yes but not the strips themselves. Might be wrong though but yeah, thought would mention. I hope you start to feel better soon *offers safe hugs*

Emma : Thank you. And you are correct. You are not supposed to change steri-strips. The only problem is that with the dressing that is currently over the top. When I remove it because my allergy to the adhesive is beginning to get out of control, the strips lift which means that they need replacing. I did double-check that online today. Thank you for your concern and for the hugs. I feel a little like they are in short supply at the present time irl.

Today has been ... quiet. I got my hair done yesterday - I can't remember whether I mentioned it or not - it's now short and a completely different colour. I'm going up to see my parental units and my grandparents tomorrow before my grandparents leave on Saturday. My family is unpredictable so I'm not sure what the reaction will be. Especially as my hair has never been this colour ... or combination of colours ... and it definitely looks very different. Thankfully my father will be heading to work so he shouldn't have too much time to get stuck into me for all my faults. It could also be interesting due to the fact that I reopened (and in one case repierced) the upper two holes in my ears. My mother was incredibly happy when I stopped using these holes so ... it could be interesting.

We (one of my housemates and I) have pretty much set Sunday morning as the day to collect all remaining items from our old accommodation. This is going to make for an interesting time.

I'm still concerned about waking up and finding that I have seriously damaged myself ... but there isn't a lot that I can do that I haven't already begun to set in motion. I guess that I just have to rely on hope for the present until I hear back from my pdoc.

Peace and may 2009 be better than 2008.