I know that my CPN would say, well this time it's been 2 & 1/2 weeks since you were last in A&E because of drink/sh, etc. It's pathetic really though. In addition, in order to achieve this, I was cutting more often but trying to reduce the severity. My arm is a mess. I had (and now am again) been on edge for the entire time. Around 2 weeks seems to be my limit. What is the point? I tried going for a run (well, very short jog) this evening. I tried getting back into running again a few months ago but it made no difference. I just feel as though I am fighting a losing battle. How long do I have to have fought before they realise that I'm not ill, just a defective person who doesn't belong in the world, a mistake. Why did I even ask for help? I've been pretty bad at co-operating with them but I have been trying harder recently...still no change. I'm tired of the c**p sleep or lack of sleep. I'd like to see those judgmental jumped up A&E staff live my life for a week and see what it's like not being able to escape from the stuff in your head - give me a broken leg or something anyday. To me, that is less pain and more manageable but to them it is deserving of more respect. I don't want to be like this, I've tried not to be, I wish they would just realise that I am so sorry and ashamed when I end up in hospital but that doesn't give them the right to poke fun at me or treat me like s**t. Only in work in the afternoon tomorrow so at least I don't have to go in and pretend for a whole day.
Sorry to keep rambling like this (and this time it's without having even been drinking).
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
you jknow i'm glad that you can 'ramble' without drinking. It's important to be able to talk (even if it's just online) without having to be drunk.
you're not defective. you're unwell. you DESERVE help and sadly lots of peple are off the mind 'if you can't see it, then it's nt there'. So i understandw hat you mean... 'live a week in my shoes' stupido! they couldn't. but i dont' think i could and i know what you're going through!
instead of going straight into a jog, go for a walk. Just a short one. End of your street and back. Build up until you get a rythm. don't rush into anything adn odn't expect it to make you feel great straight away. nothing works like that.
*cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Thanks for your reply. It means alot that someone has taken the time not only to read my rambling thoughts but to reply with some useful tips!
I'm not sure I am unwell as the sh itself doesn't mean I am unwell. I'm on anti-depressants but they don't seem to have made a difference (neither did the others) or suppose they have in a way as at least I am able to go to work again. My psych has suggested putting me on something called quetiapine to help reduce the agitation etc and my self harm. However, I have to wait for an appt to see her in order to do this and this was suggested about a month ago. Goodness knows when the appt through and ow long after that it will be. Got a call from another CPN today as mine is away and I asked her when I am likely to get a letter notifying of an appt, she was going to check the system and call back in a few mins. Guess what, no call back. I reckon my CPN forgot as he often seems to forget. I had been holding on and willing to give the new med a go but I'm not sure I can hang on for another month or so for an appt. My psych can't stand me so perhaps she doesn't want to see me at all. She thinks I am a timewaster, nothing wrong with me, etc.
Oops, not very good at the whole building things up re running again. Went for a run but for only 11 minutes as I can't seem to hold myself back and run slowly as I get so frustrated and am used to running better than this.
Hmm, I detect a bit of a theme here - impatience, I want everrything to be sorted now : )
Thanks again for your reply
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I made it through the week but for how much longer can I keep doing this. Really want to give in but I can't this weekend as I am collecting my younger (13 year old) sister and looking after her.
Sorry to be so repetitive and whiney but honestly, does anyone know when/how to recognise if I am just a freak and need to stop fighting. I can't do this indefinitely.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
You're not a freak. I believe that SI is a symptom of what is going on inside us. The depression, pain, wish to escape, desire to feel something.
I agree with the idea of walking. Maybe also make sure you feel every part of your body, think about how the walking feels.
For me what also helps is hand work. I embroider and crochet. Crocheting means that my hands work frantically instead of my whole body, but it really does help. Drawing, cooking, cleaning. It all helps to work off the nervous energy and work out the feelings.
You are not a freak. You are worth taking care of.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Thanks Blondie for the suggestions. I don't mean to be ungrateful but I really am seriously considering whether people place to much emphasis on carrying on when I am blatantly defective as a person. If I had this many physical defects I prob wouldn't have survived, so why do people expect me to struggle on being a defective person? It's Sunday night, I have to fight through another week? I don't get it. Surely, fighting like this is fihgting against what should actually happen/occur. Sorry, I'm rambling yet again.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Feel on edge in a way I can't explain. I know what will help it and don't think I want to fight it. Found out today that an appt with my psych still hasn't been arranged/requested after 4 weeks and I know that when/if I get an appt it will be for a date quite a while off. She knows what she wants to prescribe but won't do it by just calling my GP (the crisis team dr has done this before and she was going to initially). Apparently, it will help with the agitation/impulsiveness etc. False promises. Sick of hanging on for the next thing that's supposed to help but doesn't end up changing anything. Just so fed up of trying. So fed up of not sleeping properly, fighting the urge to drink myself into oblivion, fighting the urge not to OD, fighting the urge not to slash myself. Pathetic and worthless, nothing wrong except you're defective. Nightmares that I can't distinguish from reality. It seems to be getting worse but I know they don't believe me, none of them can stand me.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
You are not a loser. It is just that sometimes it takes an incredible amount of work.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
I was supposed to have a visit from my CPN today but he thought I had cancelled - no I didn't, I re-arranged work especially so that I could make it, I just wanted him to confirm he was still coming as he sometimes re-arranges at the last minute. I'm hanging on and they don't give a toss. My psych is apparently on leave for a couple of weeks so nothing can be done re appt. In the past when I've felt like this I've shouted out, told somebody but this time, I'm not going to. This time, I'm seriously thinking of packing life in. I know I sound so whingy and pathetic but I feel like I'm crashing and don't have the energy to pick myself up and try again. I've spent all my life trying to be responsible and stay in control, driivng on regardless. I've quite simply had enough. Why am I even bothering posting?
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Sorry to keep posting but I am trying to distract myself.
My sister is spending her first night back in her house since her husband trashed it and tried to kill her. She only has 10p credit left on her 'phone. I'm so worried for her. I hope she doesn't have a panic attack again as I know how scary that can be. I don't know where her husband is really but I can hear his voice in my head again - I know it's just some kind of hysterical reaction and not real but it's still hard to try and ignore it.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I would love to stay with her but she lives a little way away and I didn't know she was going to be trying to stay at her house so soon. I can't get there now and I can't get to work from her house - selfish, I know but it has taken weeks to get back to where I am at work. I was thinking that perhaps I could stay over at the weekend. She told me that she needs to face it herself at some point and I kind of understand that. I've told her she can one bell me (so as not to use credit) if she needs to talk anytime during the night. I just wish he would get out of my head. I'm used to hearing people say things in my head that they have said to me in the past - if that makes sense - but not used to this random taunting of someone who I know isn't here with me but I can hear inside me.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
It took a lot of people to try and persuade my brother not to kick the s**t out of him - it would have only gotten him in trouble and he has a family to look out for of his own. It is going to take alot of courage for my sister though to follow through with the police - hope justice is done. It still makes me feel sick and my skin crawl thinking of what he did to her.
I'm not sure I can face her very easily. It's OK to speak on the 'phone but when she was really scared and struggling etc the other week (including experiencing panic), I told her I was under the care of mental health services - but not why.
I know I will stay though if she will let me. It's so hard to try and keep it together to help other people at the moment especially with him in my head taunting me and threatening me/her.
I don't know where her hsuband is at the moment - hoping he is locked up on remand as he had also stolen a car, driven with no licence, assaulted another guy and was on something at the time. I don't like to push her for details on this. What if he is near to her and not in my head. I'm afraid for her. Not sure how much more punishment I can inflict on my arm.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I really wish she would cry and let me hug her. I know she needs to let it out. She still loves him and I can't understand that but she is acting so brave and strong. I have a feeling we are rather alike really despite being so different - we both put on this face and would rather fall to pieces in private and slowly self-destruct but I don't want that for her!
Thanks for all your replies Jess. I'm sorry to keep whining on.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
It's hard.... so many people keep going back! *cuddles* It's a strength (and stubborn) thing that you put on a big face of 'i'm fine' when inside you're crumbling to little pieces. Can you talk to her about it? I'm not srue.
It's okay, you're not whining!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
