dont giggle at me! i'm probably not the first to fall of their chair after reading this whole thread! (probably didnt help that i was reading through all the saturday night stories at the same time..)
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple
In a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a
young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately
notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently
raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window . 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her,
what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater.'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at
night in a Lover's lane .... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says : 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her .... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 16 in 11
minutes.'
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
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Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a Coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A Hamburger, fries, and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount. For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
'The usual?' asks the waitress. No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and Salad,' says the man. 'Yep! Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me sir, how do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your
pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a couple of million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I 'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.....
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Duck: have you got any bread?
Barman: nope only sell beer here
Duck: ok don't matter and walks out
5 mins later
Duck: have you got any bread
Barman: I've told you no we only sell beer here
Duck: ok and walks out
5 mins later
Duck: have you got any bread.
Barman: I'VE TOLD YOU THIS 3 TIMES NOW WE ONLY SELL BEER YOU COME IN ONCE MORE ASKING FOR BREAD I'LL NAIL YOUR BEAK DOWN TO THE BAR.
duck walks out
15 mins later
Duck: have you got any nails.
Barman: nope
Duck: have you got any bread then!!!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
caz, (not_so_hot_hot_chocolate) texted me this the other day:
a cute little girl walked into a pet shop and says to the shopkeeper:
"excuse me sir, where do you keep wittle bunny wabbits?"
the shop keepers heart melts at this, he bends down to her height and says
"do you want one with a wittle wobbeley tail or a wittle brown one?"
the girl rocks back on her heels, and leans closer to him, and whispers
"i dont think my pet python would give a thit"
Hehehe, keeping people in suspense is my job around here Jess!!!!
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way,
The beauty in life, where's it gone?
And somebody told me you were doing okay,
Somehow I guess they were wrong.
