Triggering (SI/ED) - on vacation, gone to spain eep *Updated Frequently*

[chocostashchick]

omgosh i am freaking out
like really freaking out
i am not exaggerating i dont know what to do
i am all sweaty and i am at work and i feel like i just ran a mile and i am just sitting here and i havent even moved
so i got a voicemail from a weird number
and i cant talk on the phone but it is quiet so i figured i would just check the message because i didnt know who it was from and i thought it might be my incompetent car insurance company (still waiting for the estimate from that effing hit-and-run)

and it wasnt the car insurance company

it was a DBT specialist at the psychiatric hospital calling me back and leaving me his cell phone

omgosh seriously i just almost threw up right now
like my stomach heaved

crap

i think i was hoping a little bit that i would get a call, but part of me didnt because that was less scary

this is scary

i dont know what to do

[newanda]

Yay!!! Call him back!!!!!! This is good, this is really really good. Weather or not you decide to this is the way for you to go, you at least now can call him back and listen to what he has to offer. You can ask him questions also, and then you can make an informed decision about what is best for you to do. This is good, I think it will open up many possibilities for you. You have an oportunity here now that you didn't before. And, best of all, it has happened because you didn't give up!! So, don't stop now, conquer your fear of calling him back.
Good luck :)
Megan

[pea soup]

hi Callie,
im seeing this really late.
but its sounds positive that you got a call!!!!
i think you just panicked because you had already convinced yourself that no one was going to help and you freaked out when you realized you may have to follow through with this!!!
i think its great he called and i hope you called him or are going to.
its is very very scary to be in the place you are right now.
i know you were frustrated with not getting any callbacks.....but then at least you knew you wouldnt have to deal with therapy and such. and i think to some point that might have been a relief to you subconciously. gosh...i hope that wasnt offensive and i hope it made some sort of sense.
maybe i shouldnt be making replies right now. not in a good place.
im wishing you the BEST of luck!!!!
love ya girly.
xxxxxxxxxxx

[chocostashchick]

thanks Megan and Rachel :)
thanks both of you for your words of courage
so i feel really stupid right now
i dont usually feel stupid
but i feel stupid

i totally overreacted about the whole "nobody wants me in their therapy practice" thingy
and freaked out over nothing
yeah sorry about that

i called
and we only talked for like a sec
but now i am waiting for the adult services hosp ppl to call me back about my insurance
and i dont really know how this works but we are just waiting to see if my insurance is accepted?
the dr guy was really nice and his words were that we have to see if they accept my insurance because otherwise it's "more complicated"
complicated, but not impossible
eep
why does this make me feel horrible?

what is weird is that he didnt ask me about my issues or anything but i cant remember if i already told him

Rachel you are so right
i am beyond petrified
i was not this scared before i had my first surgery or my first day at my first real job
i just feel like this is a huge mistake
and i know i shouldnt but i do
and yea i totally took something before bed last night
still feel messed up a little bit
and i am at work now
oops
i think i am supposed to be upset about that and regret that but i dont

okay this is another Crazy Callie post
i am sorry for overreacting so much
i called the dr and everything looks like it might work out
the end - that was the important bit

[chocostashchick]

and they don't accept my insurance (only for inpatient)

[chocostashchick]

so i still haven't heard back from that doctor guy since i left a message saying that the hosp doesn't take my insurance for "ambulatory" programs (i think that is outpatient i don't know though but apparently the DBT program thingy is ambulatory or whatever)

oddly enough i'm not even disappointed
or relieved
or anything
i feel nothing
it's weird
i have detatched myself to the point that i will not care anymore

my friend called to see what was up with the quest for therapy and i told her about it all, and she gave me the # of her mom's therapist who is actually at that psych hosp and who also specializes in DBT (but isnt part of the DBT program)

apparently this hospital is gigantic or something

but yeah she wants me to call that guy too so that all my eggs aren't in one basket or something

but i am so sick of calling people and having nothing happen
it is a waste of breath
and i just dont care anymore
it just feels so much better, and i can actually get through the day, if i just take a some oxys or cloricidins and refuse to think about any of this

i swear it was not this frustrating when i was "in denial" and just ignoring everything
which seriously makes me wonder if there is really anything wrong and if i am just pretending and weirdly attention-seeking
i just had a train of thought and it totally vanished on me
i hate that
oh i guess i could not be making it up and maybe the thought that i might get help or treatment or something and get better is making me like freak out and bring stuff to the surface
i guess that is the other option
hmmm
i dont know how you are supposed to know which it is

oh and in other news i am the world's shittiest daughter ever
something happened to my mom's foot today and she was all like "ow ow ughh something happened to my foot" and i was like "i'm sorry" but i didnt know what to do so i asked her if she wanted anything but i didnt like leap up and carry her to her bed or anything
but the weird thing is, that i dont care
i dont know what is wrong with me, but i totally did not have any emotional response to the situation
none. at. all.
and when i said "sorry" and asked if i could help, it was a forced response because i knew i was supposed to say something and i was just thinking "what can i say to her? what am i supposed to say?"
and she could totally tell
she knew
and she was so offended and like started crying and hobbling up to bed
and then i felt really awkward and was like "umm what is going on why am i such a bitch to my own mother that i dont care when she is hurt and in pain and cant even walk properly?"
so later after she went to bed to watch tv because it hurt, i checked in on her and asked her if i could bring anything and i was doing a better job of faking an emotional reaction so she felt better and she isnt mad anymore because i told her i would drive her to the docs tomorrow *fingers crossed it gets better and i dont have to sit in an ER with her for 6 hours*
but seriously, i still have not been able to feel one ounce of sympathy or empathy for her
and you think that out of all people as her daughter, and also as somebody who has had a broken ankle and multiple surgeries, that i could understand serious foot pain and empathise
but apparently not
apparently i am an emotional retard
great

[blondiebear]

Do call this new person. You are worth it. You are not making this stuff up.

Your mom's reaction is about her. You went up later to see if there was anything she needed. I hope you don't have to spend most of your day at the ER either. Is there a walk-in clinic you could go to instead?

My mom has screwed me over so much. One time when I was in University my parents both had a bad case of the flu. I had a date on Friday night, so Thursday I asked them if they wanted me to go to the store and get them something to have for dinner on Friday. No, they couldn't be bothered to think about it. They were well enough to have friends over on Friday. When I got home from my date my mother tried to guilt-trip me, the sick bitch.

In 2002 I sprained my ankle so bad that I broke it. The bone didn't have to be set but I had to wait 10 days for the swelling to go down so I could get a cast put on it. I described the cast to my mother and she said "piker." Okay, forgive me if I didn't spend 5 years of my childhoold having surgeries and in body casts. It was the first time I've significantly injured myself. My mom-in-law's response was "let me check my calendar" the unspoken but understood part being "to see how soon I can come over and help out."

You're not an emotional retard. You're anxious about your problems finding a therapist. You're having trouble finding a job. You've had some significant financial set backs because of car repairs. You're just mentally and emotionally exhausted. You're doing fine!

*gives you a hug*

[newanda]

Imagine a big mud puddle. You want to get to the other side, but to do so you are going to get really dirty. You decide to try it. When you are half way accross you think to yourself "i am getting too muddy, should I turn back?" If you turn back, you have to walk back through the mud again to get to where you started from. Plus, you really want to get to the other side and you would just have to try again and start over from the begining. Or, you can walk the rest of the way through since it's the same distance anyway.

You have come this far, i think you should keep going. And if you accidentaly get stuck in the middle, well... that's what we're here for, to help pull you out, and cheer you on until you get accross! I know it's easier said than done, and i know the mud puddle story doesn't fit the situation exactly, but i think you can get what i was trying to say.

I also agree with blondiebear. It sounds like you are emotionally exhausted. When it happens, sometimes it's good to do something nice for yourself to help you take a little breather and get re-energized. We're here if you need us.
Take Care
Megan

[chocostashchick]

i spent my weekend putting myself in a complete haze, hiding from reality or something
probably not the healthiest solution, but i just could not bear being around my mother for some reason
luckily her foot improved so i did not have to take her to the ER
i think i actually might be emotionally retarded though, because i just don't seem to react to anything
my brother is on a semester abroad in Peru and has been gone for like over a month and we get very little contact from him, he can email once every couple of weeks if he gets into the city and finds an internet cafe. he called yesterday and spoke to my mother and when she put me on the phone, i had NOTHING to say. you would think that speaking to my only brother, who has been living in a remote, isolated country for the past month, would evoke some sort of reaction, but no. my brain told my mouth to form the words "how are you?" and "i miss you" and things like that, but it was so forced. i don't think talking is supposed to be like that.
does that happen to anybody else?
i realized that i have to do that a lot. i never thought about it before. one of my best friends mentioned that sometimes on the phone i have what she calls "your weird voice" and i never knew what she was talking about until i started thinking about it yesterday, and i think that she is noticing when i have to like force my conversations because i'm not reacting to anything?
i'm trying to make myself have the courage to call her mom's therapist during my lunch break in half an hour. i might as well make a phone call, since i am too nervous to eat. i really appreciate your votes of confidence, Susan and Meg. the mud puddle analogy is awesome! it's actually a good description - i might have to steal that some time.
xxxooo

[chocostashchick]

well i made the phone call
called my friend's mom's therapist
who also works at the psych hospital
(does EVERYBODY in the whole bloody state work there or something?!?!)
anyway i feel stupid now
and am wondering if i can call and somehow delete my message?
but i think that's impossible actually
is it completely bizarre to call a therapist out of the blue that you dont even know and ask for therapy just because your friend knows him? i feel like a weird stalker
and i am thinking that because he works at the same hosp, that he wont take my therapy either
because i dont have a job and just temp parttime, i have no insurance and had to go on my state's poor people insurance plan and this insurance like totally sucks and nobody accepts it and i will never be able to have therapy without like going into debt because my car is already making me really poor
ughhhhhhhh
i am frustrated and i just want like one person to talk to, just one therapist, please please please is that so much to ask? i dont even care if they are a SI specialist or whatever just dont judge me!! i dont know what that therapy center was talking about saying i need an SI specialist or something i mean sure i have been doing this for a wicked long time but it's not like i am so addicted or whatever that i sit around harming all day like every hour i mean it isnt THAT bad i can have a regular normal therapist, i mean especially since the other therapists dont seem to want me
i dont think i can afford to be picky people, esp since my insurance is like nonexistent
lovely how arbitrary things like insurance dictate your therapy, and not things like your mental state

[chocostashchick]

*trig ED because i am a pathetic and weak loser who apparently doesnt deserve therapy HAHAHAHA*

i am so ****ing sick of this
this did not just happen again
oh no wait it did

what a lovely phone call that was. okay at least this therapist man called me back.
i hate therapy
and i cant even have it before i hate it
arent i skipping a step here?
arent you allowed to have therapy before you hate it?

my reaction?
hysterical laughter
then weird emptiness
and oh look, i just ate peanut butter and jelly right out of the jar
i wasnt even thinking about what i was doing
oops
and now i get to go stick my fingers down my throat
*feels slightly better thinking about it*
*that's no good hmm*
whatever

[blondiebear]

Is there anyone related to your awful govt. insurance that you can call? Or call to get a referral? Can your GP get or give you a referral?
Sorry if you've tried all these things.

Sorry about the pb+j. I gave in and got some heavenly hash ice cream this afternoon. Haven't opened it yet but feel better knowing it's there. *gives you a wry smile*
Are you looking for a therapist in other cities that are nearby?

Dunno how to help. Want you to know that i'm reading all your posts and thinking of you.
*gives you a hug*

[chocostashchick]

okay so i have been thinking
and i am confused
why dont i just stop?
why am i doing this?
i know cutting is bad
i know that purging is bad
i know that taking so much Robo or triple c or oxy so that i feel fuzzy and weird and cant move just to sleep or get through a bad day is bad
i know that these things make me completely disgusting and scare my friends
i know they are why i will never ever get married or have a baby

so why do i do it?
i know it is bad
and i still do it
i could stop
i should stop
but i dont even try
i do it on purpose
so that makes it my fault
there are people who dont really know it is bad
at first i didnt know but now i do
so at first i deserved help but now i dont
help is for the people who dont think it is bad, who are so ill that they think it is good and it keeps them alive or whatever
i do it on purpose though, and i am well enough to know i should stop and that must be why i have called like 4 therapists in the past month and been turned down
they must know i an am attention-seeker annoying sort of case that therapists just refer to move the problem
i figured it out

seriously though why dont i just stop
yes it feels good but am i so pathetic and loserish that nothing else in my life feels as good

omg i am
i am such a loser
nothing feels as good as cutting myself open or burning myself away

how ****ing pathetic is this

[chocostashchick]

aww thanks Susan for the hugs
i went on my awful govt insurance website and it wasnt very helpful the only people it listed were very far away, in addition to the places that i have already called that either A) refused me saying i wasnt ready for outpatient or have no SI experience and would rather see me with an experienced person because of the duration of the behavior or B) said that my insurance was only accepted for inpatient or not accepted at all

the man i talked to today said that the problem was that my insurance is very difficult to bill privately, otherwise it is hard to get approval or something, that it is pretty much only set up for a clinic or something to bill to it
yeah so whatever

i suppose i could just start calling random people out of the phonebook
i didnt realise that SI was something psychs avoided treating like the plague
maybe i should stop saying it? but what the hell else do i say? SH is really the only thing i understand about my emotionally effed up self

[Pomegranate]

You are not an attention seeker hun or a bad person or pathetic. You are an amazing individual who is hurting and deserves help. Please don't give up looking or hoping for that help. I will PM you tomorrow when I can think of better advice but until then stay strong sweetie xxx

[chocostashchick]

another crappy pointless phonecall from another place that cant accept me

apparently i have crappy pointless insurance

am feeling very hopeless and rejected

and awful

bad thoughts

i keep getting referred from people who do accept my insurance to specialists that dont accept my insurance

am out of ideas

[chocostashchick]

i am actually almost crying right now because my hairdressers secretary just left me a snippy message about not rescheduling my appt next week
i am the most pathetic of patheticness i fail at life

[chocostashchick]

i am at the bottom of a hole

oh my gosh this is awful

[chocostashchick]

THIS IS TOO OVERWHELMING

i need to stop posting i'm not even talking to anybody but myself sorta scary oops

[Pomegranate]

*holds you* I am so sorry this is happening to you Callie. We will protect you though, even if it is from yourself. Eventually there has to be someone who is willing and able to help you hun. *more hugs* xx