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Codependent and socially inept (long)
I was always a weird child. Professionals thought I had boredline when I was a small child, so I went to a lot of "therapy". Which was more less the psychologist/therapist teaching me basic interpersonal skills. Say "hello" when you first walk up to someone. They also showed me books of peoples faces and taught me to read emotion. The only reason I'm as good at reading people as I am now is because I studied, literally studied with flash cards, what faces look like when they feel something. I did that from around 6 to age 16. Then I realized body language conveys emotion too.. so I started studying that until about age 21. At 13 I was diagnosed with ASD along side PTSD and Bipolar 1. I've had several psychotic breaks so doctors are always heistant to give me solid diagnoses so I've had schizophrenia and schizoaffective thrown around as well.
I was homeschooled as a child because schools didn't know what to do with me. When I got to a manageable level of social skills... as in I knew to say hi even if I forgot sometimes... I was put in public school, and bullied horrible. The thing is, I never got the chance to socailize with people really before this. Although I wanted to make friends and tried to make friends as a child, the parents (and they told me this to me as a child), "I don't want you hanging out with my child. You're weird and I don't want you to make her weird."
I was told that MANY times. So if anyone talked to me I was willing to go lengths for them, because no one really wanted to socialize with me. The bullying was bad: stealing, punching, tripping, spitting, etc. I met a guy online around this point, I didn't know how many issues he had until many years later. I clung to him for a while because he was the first real connection I ever had the chance to make. And because he was one of the few people that didn't think I was a freak, I let everything he ever did or said slide. This would be something that continued on in my life for years.
My ex is sexually attracked to animals and has no interest in people. He also has severe anger problems and depression. He considers himself apart of the furry community now, now I don't think most furries are actually attracted to animals he just drifted toward that group because they accept him when he doesn't explain much. I'm an artist, so he used to ask me to draw explicit things, although I never did... Scenes such as "an anthromorphic horse raping a teenager girl" and the like. My entire family is mentally ill with many having attempted suicide and such so I just figured everyone was weird like that in some way.
Finally someone as school spoke to me without spitting on me, so I immediately considered them my friend. We talked about books mostly, I didn't realize until years later why so many people didn't like him, it's because he was aggressively rude and mean. But I didn't realize that until my social skills improved 10 years later. I just didn't pick up what he said as passive aggressive because I didn't understand it. And he tolerated my mania so I didn't care.
My first bestfriend stalked me for two years before she finally got the courage to talk to me. She's pretty functional now, she's apologized for doing that many times. She's improved about as much as I have, so I've stayed in contact with her. Sadly we live in different states now however.
My next close friend actually had borderline was often rude. but he was very unstable... He told me once that he never drives by himself because he has to pull over and cry because he feels so alone. I didn't really have anyone else who wanted ot hang out with me so much, so I felt flattered. He was very controlling and unstable, but he stuck around then. Around three or four years ago he stopped talking to me. He took it personally that I moved to a different state to start a life and career for myself out of the small town. He spread rumors everywhere that I was a terrible and insane person... when I tried to talk to him about it he said if he ever saw me in public, for my betryal, he'd call the cops on me saying I was a stalker.
I was 19 when I got to college, and I went through a different group of people every semester... it was choatic. It was nice because no one knew about the poor social skills I had in middle or high school so it was a place for oppurtunity. The only thing was it was the toughest art school in the united states... so most of the people there were mentally ill.
During that time, examples of the level of irrational things that happened:
A person I conisdered my good friend said she wouldn't hang out with me anymore if I didn't remember what was important about Sunday... I had just been released from the mental hospitial for attempting suicide a week prior. Another girl became very controlled and demanded I only hang out with her, I took that to mean she liked me... I later learned she was talking shit about me all over campus. My roommate told the only reliable friend I made there that I tried to kill her and told the school I was gonna blow it up. I was kept in a room for a whole day while I was questioned for that... my friend told her that she was mistaken and shouldn't spread lies. "She may be a little weird, but she's not violent. You shouldn't say things like that, Jessica wouldn't hurt anyone"
I graduated with my BFA 3 years ago now. I didn't make any friends the first year I moved out here, but I knew someone that I used to talk to online a lot. I realized recently she's my only healthy functional friend. I'm still friends with her. I tried hanging out at comic book shops for a while... but I realized I was becoming friends with the same type of people again. Depressive without doing anything about it... making their "friends" take care of them. Angry about their situation and how they are but unwilling to do anything to change it. And blaming their behavior on the sympathetic one, which was always me. I was everyone's therapist for almost my entire life. I stopped going to that comic book shop.
And even though I only have one friend here that I trust I feel better because I'm not constantly stressed out by people expecting me to take care of them. I'm taking charisma classes right now and practice those skills on uber drivers. The first year I went in ubers I couldn't even talk to them. The charisma classes and therpy have helped a lot. I don't seem to confuse or make people uncomfortable anymore...
But I'm afriad to try and make new friends. because I don't want to get pulled into that again. I always let things slide and always forgive, and it's a problem.
I'm getting my MA currently and interning at a high school as a teacher... I seem to get along with the staff and they like me. I'm the students favorite teacher. Theyre always excited when I come in.
My friend told me recently when I brought this up to her she said, "you used to be low functioning, but you're not anymore. Youre like one knotch above high funcioning with social weirdnesses, but it's just enough that 'normal' people as you put it find you too weird to talk to. "
How do I become better at making friends? I feel weird asking this question as a 26 year old, but I really need to get better at it. I made a bumble account and set it to friendship mode... when I've met up with people in person I've had MANY tell me "I dont' think this will work you're too weird for me. Good luck"
Which is rude but at least they're honest.
I've done so much therapy, classes, self help books, everything to improve my social skills. I don't get panic attacks when I talk to people anymore, and I can even do idle chit chat about nothing.. I learned that this year. But once a conversation goes on for like an hour people start by laughing and saying, "You have a strange sense of humor." and then maybe after a day of hanging out with me, "You're kinda weird but in a good way" This seems to always snowball into them eventually not talking to me anymore... Considering how much I've done my whole life and I'm still doing to get better at socializing, what can I do now and continue to do? I can't go through life like this. I need more friends. All I want is two more friends I can hang out with. I just can't seem to do that...
Just any experiences, any advice, any self help books, I'll really do anything to get better at this.
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