I originally wrote this for my r/v, but then decided that it kind of came out in a way that made me want to share it here.
I genuinely feel so different to who I used to be. I think this summer has changed me an awful lot. For the better. I've discovered a lot more about me. I knew I was strong, but never did I think i could cope with the immense amount that I did this past month or so. Losing somebody you love is so hard. Losing them when you're in a different country is even harder. But I dealt with it. I cried, appropriately. I reached out. And I didn't feel all that stupid. I felt okay. I feel okay. I'm strangely confident that I could do this all again, with added stress and pressure. I know I'll be okay, and it kind of freaks me out that I can say that with so much valor and vigour. It's kind of like peeing into the wind and not caring. Say what? A strong Steph, did I hear someone insinuate?
Yeah. Maybe I am a little weird. Maybe I am a bit cocky at times. I laugh at my own jokes and I love to think that others do too, way too much. But it's cool. It's what makes me tick. I'm not really lingering in and out of that "am I, aren't I mentally ill" phase. I'm just sort of, me. And that's cool. I'm feeling quite content. And I wake up every day, feeling sometimes okay, sometimes not. Sometimes depressed, sometimes anxious, but sometimes happy. And I don't have to be exerting any kind of energy to feel that way. I don't have to be 'high'. I can be just so-so. And that's okay. That's what I love about this. Growing up. It feels so good. It feels so terrifyingly right that I just let nature take it's grip of me anyway, and before I know it, I'm out of the woods on the other side, sun shining brightly and with a big grin on my face.
I don't know how it works or why, but what I do know is that in the face of danger, humans hold a reserve of unimaginable strength that we never really know about until forced to pull from it. It's always going to be okay in the end. We just need to learn to tell ourselves to never, ever give up. Never give up, and keep going. Always keep trudging through it, because maybe, just maybe, one day you can look back, and say to yourself, "I made it. I survived."
That happened to me. I'm almost 7 months free from self-harm. I did a big thing by giving up what I loved to hate, and hated to love. I gave up what I thought was my entire life, only to rediscover this whole new life that was hidden beneath the surface of time. And now maybe, I'm just so lucky as to assume that I could actually look in the mirror, and utter the following three words to myself, "I love you". I'm amazing, just the way I am. Disheveled, unbalanced, emotionally cricket-batted but absolutely loving the fact that I'm learning from it every single day. A friend that I met in Uganda told me that life is like a game based upon reality. So I say, it's about time we all started playing it just how we like!
Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world awaits in darkness for the light that is you.
You've come so far Steph, and I'm utterly chuffed that you've made it through and come out not just recovered, but confident and strong and successful. You're going to do great things and I'm so very proud of you.
Well done, not only on your seven months free, but on all the other progress you've made in accepting yourself and moving forward :)
This is great to read, keep kicking butt, your doing so well (:
♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...
There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed. Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.
I am so amazed to see the progress that you made!
We haven't talked a lot, but I've always stalked you for being such an inspiring person. I've rarely seen someone being so gentle, kind and supportive so much of the time. You're giving a lot to this community and that is enough to make me your fan.
I am incredily proud and very glad to see you do so well. You put a lot of work into getting to where you are and deserve good things. It's great that you can love yourself and accept yourself and embrace life just the way it is. To me you always seem like such a brave, caring, unique woman.
Reading this makes me smile because it is good to know that the good ones get what they deserve. :)
Eep thank you for all the lovely, positive responses.
Especially Alpha B*tch, wow. Thank you so much! Reading that made me smile, a lot! I didn't think I was viewed in that way, so it's nice to know that people see me as a valued member of this community.
^^ Aint nothing wrong with a bunch of smilies.
In short, you guys are super awesome, and seriously, this place is where my journey to greatness all began.
Have a glitter tortoise.
Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world awaits in darkness for the light that is you.
