I'm trying to focus on getting through each day and also keep a focus on the fact that there is a plan in place that is being worked towards but it all feels so pointless. My CPN phoned today and said my psychiatrist is on the ward tomorrow and he's going to let them know that I need a bed asap and keep pushing for it. I'm kind of worried that I will be taking a bed when someone else needs it more. I am doing absolutely shit right now and people can see that but at the same time I don't feel like I am worthy of any form of support. I can't get better so what's the point?
I managed to go to the gym group and we went for a walk. I had to wear short sleeves and I was so anxious and upset on the bus. I hate people even looking at me briefly when my arms are covered. I feel vulnerable as it is and if I have to wear short sleeves then of course people are going to look. I have to go and see my CPN tomorrow and I'm wishing I still had my car so I could avoid going on the bus.
I am sick of being a huge burden of a partial human.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Focusing one day at a time is a good way of looking at things, even if you need to focus on 1 hour at a time at least you're focusing and carrying on and that honestly takes so much courage.
Good luck with your CPN today and fingers crossed for a bed soon. You do need and deserve one as much as anyone else, sweet.
It sounds like my team are really pushing for me to get a bed. My CPN phoned the ward again this morning with my psychiatrist in the background in case they didn't take her seriously enough. My psychiatrist is on the ward this afternoon and is going to have a meeting with the ward manager. My name is on the board for the next bed anyway. I actually don't understand why they're bothering so much since I'm obviously safe enough. This is my first admission since I've been seeing my current CPN and current psychiatrist though so maybe they are just different from the others. My current CPN has definitely been the must supportive and useful CPN I've seen and I think a lot of the reason I've managed out of hospital for longer than usual is because my CPN has been great. I told her and she said this is the way care is supposed to be and that she's sorry if I haven't experienced good care in the past.
I gave the cat sitter a key last night. She seems nice enough but I was scared of her. It's £10 per visit and I was hoping for 2 visits per day but I think with the cost I'm going to have to settle for 1 visit. I'm worried about how the cats will manage. I don't know if it would be worse for them being at home and waiting for me to come home and I don't come home for days, if they were in the cattery at least they wouldn't be expecting me.
I just really can't be bothered with life. I wish I had an off switch. I don't want to breathe any more but suicide doesn't feel totally achievable to me. I wish I had never been born.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I am just truly, deeply, genuinely sorry for existing. I know people kind of don't understand, since they like me and I do good things, but I'm still sorry for everything I take up while being alive. I can recognise the good things I do but I hate myself so hugely.
When I was sitting in the waiting area in the health centre today a couple of nurses passed by separately and even though I wasn't looking at them and they could have snuck past they both said hi. It upset me because I am a person that exists enough to be perceived and also because I don't deserve a hello.
It seems wrong. Hospital. All this for me, especially since I've been safe so far. My CPN said it's part of my treatment plan. But hospital is a big thing and should be reserved for emergencies and for better people. The staff will be wondering why I'm waiting for a bed and will feel like I definitely don't need it and if there is an emergency they will hate me for taking up a bed.
My CPN said that although she believes I'm a good person and can get better etc she understands why I want to die because of the way I experience things. That she has thought, maybe death would be better than what I go through. It was 'nice' to have that understanding and acknowledgement.
I'm never going to be ok because I can't make things ok for my brother.
I can't take a lifetime of this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
*cuddles* I'm sorry you're hurting so much, I know it doesn't feel like it but there is some hope out there for you.
The nurses at the hospital won't hate you, their job is to take care of you and your wellbeing; they are not the ones who decide who goes in and out of hospital that's your physiatrists decision and as you said they are pushing for a bed pretty fast which means - yes you do need and deserve this bed.
Most of the nurses in the ward are really lovely but two of them in particular hate me (I'm not imagining this because they have basically said it and wrote horrible things in my notes). This is a big reason why my CPN has worked so hard to keep me out of hospital.
It's so hard to be kind to myself. I want to completely beat myself up physically. I am definitely not sorry for the things I do contribute to other people that are good but I am sorry for existing. There is a massive ball of emotional agony inside of me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Really don't know what to do. The men have sent the dogs yet again. How do I determine what damage a fall would do to my body? From all the medical programmes I've watched I know that some people can fall from a small height and get injured and some people can fall from really high up and not be injured, or the other way around. It does look like quite a fall and not onto anything soft. Maybe a smaller fall would satisfy them, I don't know. Totally shouldn't be out of bed right now. I'm terrified of messing up my sleep routine so usually just lie in bed forever doing nothing until I get some sleep hours later. But felt I had to get this out. And I don't even know. And what the fuck is the point in anything?
Shut up idiot.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm totally sick of all of this. Was a hard night, safe though and that's all that people think matters. I saw the duty CPNs this morning and mostly put on a face. I wasted my chance to be honest. They're glad I'm not self harming, think that means I'm ok. I'm already wondering if I do need a hospital bed but they made me question it more. They did say my CPN knows me best and she was concerned enough to want me to get a bed asap but things might have changed since then. I don't know. I feel weird and I just want out. It doesn't matter if I go into hospital or not, it's all just a pointless waste of time. Nothing is going to change for the better.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm very glad to hear you managed to stay safe last night, that must have taken a lot of strength. *hugs* Do you feel things have changed since you spoke to your CPN? If you're still having the same feelings and thoughts, things haven't changed. The duty CPNs are right in the sense that she/he knows you better and is in charge of your care, she knows what's best and yes you do need/deserve that bed. I hope it comes soon for you, it must be an anxious wait.
I did something that the men told me to do yesterday to start to remove part of the ??? non human part inside me and it pretty much zonked me. I sat outside in the rain for about an hour to feed the dogs. I had quite a good sleep last night though. Feeling tired today but have managed to do housework. Need to wake up a bit in my head because I have some research to do. I don't know how long the disappearance will take or if I will even disappear completely. I really should get myself out of here in one whole chunk.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Have you seen a CPN today atall? If so, have you explained what happened last night and how you're feeling today?
Well done on the housework, that must have taken some serious energy out of you, do you have any restful safe plans for tonight atall?
x
