Relapsing again :( vent

indigorose · 22-10-2018, 01:54 AM

My eating disorder is taking control over my life again. Foods I was fine with are now scary. It even ruined my birthday this year alongside my anxiety, I didn’t even have a slice of my birthday cake or my birthday dinner (Pizza) which is very upsetting. I have a lot of stress going on in my life aka at home and being unable to work due to my lung illness.

I was someone who never thought they’d end up with an eating disorder, especially one as an adult.
I’m someone who had difficulty eating as a child due to my health conditions and I cannot help but feel guilty that at 23, I skip meals and lie about what I’ve eaten, even hiding food in places. Even verbalising that makes me feel awful.

I’ve been battling this by myself since around November 2015. SO age 20. It is a way for me to control my life, how I look and help me cope…despite how damaging it is. I have “self recovered” twice now which involved me eating 6 times a day to get to a minimum “healthy” weight.

I remember October 2016 making myself eat a big breakfast, a high calorie lunch and dinner and in between meals having snacks. Seeing my body change with weight gain was hard, especially without a treatment team. This was so I could complete my final law exams.

I was fine for a bit with eating until June 2017. I was being neglected in an emotionally distant, one sided and toxic relationship and had legal training stress on top of it so I relapsed again within 2 months and ended up in the emergency department from dehydration.

I got a bit better since and made myself gain weight but yet here I am now…22 October 2018.

I am back to a low weight and just want to keep losing weight, despite feeling light headed, foggy, weak, sweaty (from low blood sugar) and awful.

I really don’t think I can get “better” on my own this time, without proper treatment. I also don’t think this disorder will ever be gone completely.

Indigo. · 22-10-2018, 11:59 AM

Hello there, fellow indigo!

I can very much relate to everything you're saying. I'm the same age as you, I think and struggled to eat much as a child, and as a result was very skinny my whole life. Ever since I moved away from home and got a bit older, I've gained weight albeit not in an unhealthy way. I have recently relapsed as well due to a lot of things going wrong and feeling out of control.

It's really difficult to let go of the need for control, and the ED compulsions. Recovering by yourself is a struggle, but the first step to recovery is realising that you need to get better. I hope you can find healthy ways to cope in the future.

Have you ever been involved with mental health professionals?You shouldn't have to go through this alone. I know seeking support is hard, but it'll be worth it in the long run. I'm not sure how the health system works were you are, but I think your doctor/GP should be able to refer you to the right services. So the first step is going to the doctor.

Unfortunately eating disorders tend to leave like a ghost behind, so even when you're recovered, often there's still echoes of it. But having been recovered for a long time, it was good to see my own progress and even though I had intrusive thoughts, at the end of the day I would remember that I've fought them off, and that gave me strength.