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Old 10-04-2015, 02:11 PM   #241
LittleCloud
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I don't feel like me anymore



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 11-04-2015, 07:12 PM   #242
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Hugs m so sorry you are struggling. How are you now? Sorry I'm low on words x

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Old 11-04-2015, 11:41 PM   #243
LittleCloud
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In so much mental pain....... No words



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 16-04-2015, 07:34 PM   #244
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleCloud View Post
I don't feel like me anymore
I can relate to this so much :/
Do you know what you feel like?



pain breeds wolves
joys give rise to moons


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Old 17-04-2015, 04:28 PM   #245
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A monster. Poison. I try so hard not to let it out or let it be seen. I am struggling o much though. Meds change and fighting for support when I just want to die. My partner saying I'm not me and he can't love this. We are trying and I am trying but the effort drains everything. There is so little left



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 17-04-2015, 07:01 PM   #246
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Hugs I'm sorry I'm low on words but you are none of those things x

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Old 18-04-2015, 03:23 PM   #247
LittleCloud
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I feel lost. I have ruined my relationship with my partner and we are really trying- neither of us wants to quit but I don't know how to fix it. I have no energy and my sleep is messed up after my meds stopped working and I am trying new ones. My partner says I depend on meds and counselling. But I don't I fight so hard. I'm thinking more and more about suicide. If I maintain where I am which I know I should then I don't even have an eating disorder. I am just attention seeking. But sometimes when I see how small I am I wonder if I would be able to hide it if I lost those few more kgs. If any have spare words or hugs I could use them. I'n drowning in my own filth



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 19-04-2015, 03:19 PM   #248
LittleCloud
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I'm sorry for moaning. Just been so horrible lately. Lost so many things I used to do; cut myself off from friends and my partner. I'm fighting and fighting to reconnect but I feel so dead. So many meds fails; so many dead ends. I'm frightened this will never end



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 20-04-2015, 04:15 PM   #249
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I'm sorry things are so hard for you sweetie
But you are fighting so hard. You cant do more than that. Its really hard to struggle with this illness so try not to be so hard on yourself. You are doing what you can. You are just up against alot.

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Old 20-04-2015, 04:59 PM   #250
LittleCloud
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Thanks. I don't know. I'll fail my studies; my partner doesn't want to be near me, same with some friends. If I get through this will there be anything left for me or of me?



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 21-04-2015, 06:40 PM   #251
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Hugs I'm sorry I'm so low on words but thinking of you I'm sorry things are so hard x

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Old 22-04-2015, 09:21 AM   #252
LittleCloud
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I don't know. I feel better than I did last week with the prozac but feel a bit numb. I'm hoping that will go away. I guess it will. The feelings are overwhelming and I feel so frightened of having food in me but when people say I am the "perfect" size it feels like poison- almost like they're whispering "fat, fat, fat". Feeling better is overwhelming- there is so much I need to catch up on, yet I am still not feeling that good



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 25-04-2015, 03:06 PM   #253
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I feel sick and scared. Nothing is working. I so scared I'll lose everything that matters. Whatever I try it never works and just trying to hold up this mask is breaking me. I want to die. Why can't I just die???



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 25-04-2015, 05:02 PM   #254
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Cause you have to live for everything that matters sweetie. As long as you have something you are scared to loose you got something to fight for. Something to live for lovely

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Old 25-04-2015, 05:28 PM   #255
LittleCloud
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But I'm so close to losing some of those things and no matter what I do there is no help. Just this relentless cycle of having to do it all again and PASSING as normal so noone sees



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 26-04-2015, 05:46 AM   #256
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Maybe you can use it as motivation? To turn things around before its gone for good? I know its scary to let the mask fall and let people see the broken side of you but sometimes you just have to. I found it scary too but also kind of freeing. I didnt have to pretend anylonger.

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Old 26-04-2015, 03:17 PM   #257
LittleCloud
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I don't know. It feels impossible because I'm so exhausted and it just seems like there is nothing hiding this and everyone can see, but they can't. If I say I could be considered incapable of doing my job. I don't want to be seen as less- just to be seen as human and struggling but I can't let it happen just in case. But also if they knew they'd never believe me. I'd be seen as the attention seeker I am. I'm coping so poorly at the moment. I don't know why my psychologist mentioned inpatient. I'm fine physically and there is nothing really available and nothing close and I'm not sick like that


Last edited by LittleCloud : 26-04-2015 at 03:35 PM.


So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 26-04-2015, 06:59 PM   #258
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Hugs I can so relate but the reality is you didn't need. Inpatient they wouldn't offer it. Sorry I'm low on words but sending hugs x

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Old 27-04-2015, 12:11 PM   #259
LittleCloud
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Bad, bad triggering day and all I want to do is curl up and never get up or wake up again. I see my doctor and dietitian this week; the uni counsellor too. I feel terrified they will see a fraud



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 28-04-2015, 03:49 PM   #260
LittleCloud
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Everything feels so much right now and I feel like everyone can see me crumbling. Yesterday I slept two hours after a really triggering conversation about my bosses new diet and what she used to do. A friend who is recovered from an eating disorder was there and tried to sort of break the tension but it took so much willpower to get through and worse, I COULDN'T just walk away... my bosses positive comments about my food and weight are bad. Anything like that is. Meals are getting harder. Today I forced myself to have a supplement drink for breakfast. Eating at work just makes it so hard. I feel so numb and exhausted. I see my doctor tomorrow and just feel like he won't believe this. My body warps in and out. I don't know where I am



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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