The past few weeks have been hell. My partner quit his job and aside from losing his work has been cheated out of a lot of money. He also has just today received a huge fine for driving his motorbike unregistered as he didn't remember to renew his registration. He is frequently binging and has so little hope. My parents visited today and denied yet more of my medical history and to this day just say I forget to eat. I've had a flu and stomach bug the past few days and it can't help that I'm using laxatives too and restricting and skipping food supplements. I'm scared and all out of hope. My counsellor wants me to write to her about positive goals but all I want to do is lose all this fat that makes me so vulnerable. Yesterday I saw a reflection and scared myself but it's not enough and I know it. I feel like something has broken inside. Bone density scan my dietitian suggested yesterday and the X-ray technician asked why I was there. I get so scared and confused and I just want to hide amongst my bones. Sorry to start another thread but I'm so scared and I can't let this out. I can't let people I know be hurt. I shouldn't even be here. I'm so sorry
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Jessie. I don't even know why I'm writing here. I don't want to eat or do anything positive towards recovery or even maintenance. The screaming and fear inside are eating me alive and even though I live mostly on fruit and vegetables it's still too much. I know I need to have at least one of my supplements but this weekend I've eaten far too much for this to be in any way possible. I'm exhausted and hurting about what happened yesterday, particularly as I found out my sister has been contacting friends of mine she has never even met to ask about me. Despite the discussion we had last week where I said I did not trust her not to go to my parents and she promissed she wouldn't- I would have thought that a logical progression just to ask me rather than go behind my back. I'm exhausted and working two nights and then hopefully sort all this **** with family out and get back into walking more. I feel blank; emotionless at this minute. My only thought is I need to lose this filthy, vulnerable shell covering me. I need the fat and flesh gone. I'm sorry. I can't be positive anymore. I just want it gone. I just want to be safe
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Alanna <3 I don't know what to say right now I am doing so poorly myself but I hope everything falls into place for you and you can push the negativity away from you. you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be safe. <3 stay strong dear
Nadine- thank you so much. I really don't deserve such kind words.
All I do each day is try and exist on less and lose weight that I can see- of course there are other things around but they are my main goals. I talked to my counsellor about it and I'm scared to tell my dietitian and doctor as I don't want to draw attention. So long as I can kind of see I'm losing I feel a little at peace but I hope so hard I can keep this up without drawing attention. I don't want it and much less do I deserve it
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I'm sorry to hear that your struggling so much lately. I wish I had the right words but right now I likely don't. But if it's any consolation im listening.
Sorry to hear that your sisters going behind your back that must be so hurtful and frustrating.
I understand your not wanting to draw attention. Could you maybe tell them that you don't want attention but your struggling? I don't know if that makes sense or not.
You don't deserve to have to deal with this alone or at all for that matter.
Ah, thanks so much. In truth the support is there- not the bulls*** my family are on about where they contact my friends, but talking with my friends they are there for me totally in wherever I am. Had a really nice conversation with a friend tonight- my friend is going to help me weigh myself which I am dreadfully afraid of because it's been so long. I'll tell her what I think the weight is and she'll tell me if it's below that. She also said she will help me set up my Fitbit. In the kindest of words she said she knew it was to lose weight but when I'm ready to gain I will. My friends also all declined to tell my sister anything- for which I know I'm safe to talk to them.
I know it's bad, but I'm trying to eat more to lose weight. Today I ate the healthiest I have in a long time and although I structured my eating to be at the lower end of the required calories and did zumba, walking and gardening I DID eat small regular meals and even had chocolate and salt and vinegar rice crackers with my friends at craft night. It feels good not to be fighting myself from dawn to dusk and I know even though this isn't the healthiest thing I am doing it in a healthy way. I am planning to fit a supplement drink into my daily meals and as for getting to my goal weight.... I know it;s bad but I do have a cut off point and I know if I want to maintain my life with work; my garden; my friends, family etc I need energy. I just can't keep fighting constantly. With life as it is at the moment with my partner off his medication and work changing and my family crap I have no energy at all. I know what my counsellor would say but this is the best I've been in ages
Last edited by LittleCloud : 12-11-2014 at 12:01 PM.
Reason: More detail
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
^ I understand 100% where oyu are coming from and if that's what you need right now that is okay. You are eating, you are socializing and you are doing stuff that you enjoy. Make sure to do stuff for yourself every once in a while and a piece of chocolate is soooooo good for that (: i am having some every day too.
hang in there Alanna you deserve to be happy <3
Thanks Nadine- don't feel I deserve any kindness as I am a TOTAL fraud. Weighed myself with a friend's help and I am a total fraud. I weighed blind and she wouldn't tell me the weight other than it is at the bottom of the healthy BMI because my stupid body will not let this fat go. Felt awful but we talked a lot, and a lot about making sure I eat enough to lose. I am eating more and have more energy for it. Tomorrow we are going running which I'm really looking forward to. Going for a walk to the markets before and we will calibrate my fitbit first. The fat feels awful and I am still panicky about eating more but I know I need to
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks so much Jessie. I'm really trying. Today was hard- went over my calorie limit a little but also did a big bushwalk in the sun and going running tomorrow.
It's been a huge few weeks. Talking with my friend and agreed to try the same kind of diet she has where I have a calorie limit but need to meet it. The panic and scrabbling around to make sure I do meet it has made me realise how little I was eating and the calorie limit is designed for losing fat but I also have so much more energy and am eating with a lot less guilt. Things went pretty well with my counsellor and dietitian on Wednesday- both are happy I'm eating more, but concerned that I am looking at calories and body fat. We are going to see how things go, with a few tweeks to my eating to increase things like zinc and protein but I am eating more. The anxiety is still there sometimes but less with the plan. I don't know really where I want to go- I want the fat gone, but know I shouldn't want it this much. I feel safer, but know I still can't push the limits and lose too much; so much is happening right now and I still need something
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Had two days of bad anxiety with food this week. I'm trying hard to diversify and eat different things and the scales say my body fat is decreasing which is what I want but panic still takes over. Going to training for work and taking my own lunch though it's provided. Hoping I can keep the panic at bay
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I just want to say that whenever I come on these forums I see you helping people, giving such valuable advice - thank you! So I think you know what's best for you, but it's obviously so hard when there are things pulling you both ways?
It's so great that you can talk to your friends about it, and your counsellor and dietician. Keep being honest with them, and keep posting your thoughts on here - I can see from the first post on this thread that your attitude has changed positively since then. There will be days of panicking but it will get better. I think you're a very strong person and you will make the step to do what's best for you long term. xxxxxx
Thank you- I don't know if I deserve such a kind message. It is hard when I know what logically is right but my head is screaming and screaming. At the moment I have just given in to losing weight- I am doing it healthily but I also know I'll have to stop eventually or I'll get caught out at work and might be stopped from working if I'm seen as not strong enough. Problem is I know what I need to eat to lose weight healthily but not how many calories I need to eat to maintain. I guess I need to look at that but at the moment my body is feeling stronger than it has in months. Panic has been bad the last few days, but today I even managed to eat out at a friend's house and actually felt ok with it. Feeling scared because I can't go running tomorrow morning but I know logically I'll need rest after working my night shift and hope that I can go for a walk to see a friend or work in my garden (maybe even both)- I'm trying so hard to make the physical things I do not just to do with weight but sometimes the thoughts are just so intrusive. Panic has been bad the past couple of days- perhaps I've changed too much too soon, but I would like to get back to feeling ok again if I can. Thanks for reading- I feel like such a rambler but I'm so lost
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Oh wow littlecloud. That could pretty much have been me writing your last message. I been given into loosing weight too lately. Also healthy so i have energy enough for work. I wanna be active too, like having a workout because i enjoy work outs (which i do) however the ed has away of sneaking its way in anyway. Its so hard wanting a normal balanced life when that includes things that just makes the ed even louder. Like candy and workouts and such.
Its like nothing feels naturally anymore. I have forgotten how i used to live when i was okay with the food/body thing. to eat well just for the sake of having energy for work is kinda wrong too. Still its the best reason i have for not having a relapse. I wanted my old life back and went through sooo much to get it and now i dont even know what to do with it. Like i dont even know how hungry i used to be when i would go eat something. And i always have the ed thoughts to ruin the joy of eating anyway. I dont know...i been working so hard to get to the point where i could eat well, start working again and do some work outs, cause that was how my old life used to be but now that i do that, its just not the same anymore. I feel like a rambler too... Well the ed life is pretty messed up so the thoughts should be too, i guess.! Sorry i am not helping at all. Guess we just have to keep going, right?
Ah- thanks so much Maybeline- it helps to know I'm not alone. I guess so long as we can keep going in a healthy way but it is such a fine line and I know I will cross that if I lose too much weight. I enjoy the exercise I do to- zumba, walking, running and they are things I've been able to enjoy without A-Rex. Hoping against hope that I can just make this work for a little- I get so tired Hope you can keep energy up to
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
You are not alone. But its pretty easy to feel like that isent it...:/ yeah, that would be good. Or not... There proberly are not such thing as a healthy diet while trying to let go of anorexia:p
But for now i just dont care...yeah i could see myself get caught up in it too.. Yeah, me too. I am just gonna see how it goes. Its gonna be a very slow weightloss anyway. Thank you, i could sure need it. I wish i could send you some energy:)
Thanks Maybeline. It is indeed so easy to feel alone and you're right, there is no set diet to let go of anorexia. At the moment I don't know if I am even trying to let go or just trying to stop my head from screaming. I hope you can keep safe
Some days I don't know whether to celebrate or scream- I ate a whole small chocolate Sundae from MacDonalds with my partner tonight- I didn't go over my calories but even so feel exhausted- the effort it took was enormous. Tomorrow I also have to eat out. I hope I can- I'm with my parents and the tension around that alone is unpleasant let alone adding food to that
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Yes it is. Everything seems to drain.
Oh i hear you! I dont know what to think about my eating at the moment either.
I dont know how it is, compared to "normal and healthy"
Cant remember what normal is anymore.
Yeah well, funny thing is...yesterday i said i ate to have energy for work...well guess who got fired today? And why...? Because of my anorexia.
Which in one way makes me even more mad at my ed and yet tempted to relapse...what a mess, my mind is...
Well i think you should celebrate that! Theres no doubt its a step in the right direction. Its such a normal thing for so many. And it should not be something that caused guilt and such. However i do know how a ed can bully one for figthing back. Its so hard to go through. But you did nothing wrong. You stood up to your ed and did something that you knew would be hard. You were strong for doing so.
I hope you can too. You deserve to enjoy eating out(:
I know how you feel. I am dreading christmas already.
The tension makes it all even harder.
How did a simple family dinner bacame a trigger of tension and anxiety??
And diets and loneliness became safe and calming. Its soo twisted...
If you can maybe try to think of how the food is for other healthy, non ed people?
And not how it is for you and the ed. Like "its okay, its not a big deal, its normal"
Like "this is what i would eat without guilt if i was healthy" "i need to learn how to eat and enjoy this to become healthy and free from my ed"
If thats too hard remember its just one day.
I dont know if its wrong to say but sometimes when i would feel "forced" to eat a meal i wasent okay with i thought "at least it will boost my metabolism" -cause the body isent used to it. lol
Its pretty ed, to think like that but it was the only thing that made me feel just a bit better about it.
Its like the mind is split in two doing recovery. Partly healthy and partly ed.
So theres always this war going on. It drains your energy.
Its hard, i know. But hang on;) you are on the right path, doing this(:
