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Old 03-06-2020, 01:40 PM   #201
one_step_closer
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This is probably really simple advice that you have thought of so sorry in advance, but if you find you can't speak and more can you write and show it to someone? You can't go on with this recurrent self harm, it doesn't really make you heard and you don't deserve to be doing this to yourself.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 03-06-2020, 10:06 PM   #202
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I told my dad I was feeling anxious about work. He read the message and hasnt responded at all. We don't have a union rep. The head nurse will just say everyone is anxious.

I got a duty call. I told them to leave me alone. Because I'm a worthless burden. I do not deserve their time.

I tried so hard not to cut today. So hard and I failed early this afternoon. So I went to a and e again tonight. The experience was absolutely awful. My older wounds are also horrifically infected and it's so so sore, like I cant even explain how sore. I spent the whole way home sobbing. I get treated like the shit I am.

It took some encouragement from a friend but I called mental health matters helpline. I got disconnected twice and hung up once. Then I managed to talk. And cry and talk. But it was pointless reflective listening. No support at all. The lady was nice but everything she said was cliche. Itll get better because I've got my whole life ahead of me.

So now I feel even worse. I'm sinking lower by the second. I do not wish to live. Until I make arrangements for the cat though I'm stuck here alive. I'm not even sure anyone would notice if I died for a few days at least and that's too long for him to have no food.



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Old 05-06-2020, 02:39 AM   #203
Auror.
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I'm really glad you have Bertie. I read. I am unsure what to say because I do think you deserve mental health support and it is worth talking to them if you can.



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Old 06-06-2020, 02:49 AM   #204
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I called duty yesterday. He made me feel terrible. I had to get reception to call them twice because I waited 2 and a half hours from my first call and had nothing. And then he doesnt listen. Agrees my life is shit and has nothing to suggest.

I cut again tonight. The doctor and nurse were very nice. I asked to speak to crisis. Crisis refused to come and see me. Said they would call my CPN on Monday. Theres a good chance my CPN wont be in on monday because she missed our appointment today due to illness. And besides theres two days between now and then. So I just get to suffer. No help for me. Not even when I ask for it. I'm at my wits end. Why will no one listen? I couldn't accept help earlier this week. And now I can and am denied it.



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Old 06-06-2020, 09:33 PM   #205
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I don't understand it either. I don't think it is right. You should be listened to and it isn't your fault that you aren't. I'm glad you were able to get medical attention and that they were nice this time.

How is Bertie doing? It seems a bit patronizing to ask if you are okay, because I get you aren't okay.



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Old 09-06-2020, 07:54 AM   #206
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Thanks for your continued support. It really means a lot. As does everyones.

Bertie is as much of a smelly bum as ever.

I could do with some love and to be told to do what I'm told. I'm off to the burns unit today which I think is a gross over reaction.

Things got really scary. And yeah.

The nice lady from CMHT called me yesterday and we struck a deal that no ambulance if I went to a and e. She also made a crisis referral. Saw crisis at the hospital and they were very nice and good. And they got me a taxi home.

I feel I've gone over the edge of how to bring this back to normal for me. Things just feel like they will keep escalating. And whilst crisis said self harm was frequent and severe it really isnt.



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Old 09-06-2020, 07:11 PM   #207
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I love you endlessly ❤️
*sends gentle cuddles*

Well done for getting help and engaging with support.
I think you're very brave.
So happy it paid off and they finally actually tried to help.

Do you have any idea what would be helpful to deescalate things a little?



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Old 09-06-2020, 10:06 PM   #208
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*sends more cuddles*

How did it go at the burns unit? I hope crisis continue to be supportive.

I'm sorry that things are so hard.



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Old 10-06-2020, 06:31 AM   #209
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The burns unit was horrific. Not the normal people due to coronavirus. I'm not going back.

I told crisis the time I struggle most which was hard because its actively putting something in place that will get in the way of self harm. They have arranged a visit for then. And we have set a goal for today. And they continue to be validating and kind.

Holly my CPN will be off all week. Which does not feel ok.

I've been up 40 minutes and am struggling already.



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Old 10-06-2020, 06:33 AM   #210
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I think it should be acknowledged you got to the burns unit, that was brave of you, took courage and I'm sorry it didn't go well, do you want to talk more about it?

I am so proud of you for talking to the crisis team <3 Keep talking when you feel you can. It's understandable it's scary and you're not alone in that. Has anyone put anything else in place while your CPN is off? I would be anxious about that too.







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Old 10-06-2020, 09:48 AM   #211
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Thank you. Not really,I've discussed it with a friend and crisis and they have both said I'm not at fault but I am. And every time I talk about it I become more and more convinced I am the problem.

I have crisis support at the moment. And the nice lady from the cmht has said I can contact her too if I need.



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Old 11-06-2020, 06:44 AM   #212
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How are you feeling this morning?

I'm sure that whatever happened it wasn't your fault but I can understand now wanting to talk about it right now.

So glad you have support at the moment you so deserve it. Sending hugs.







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Old 11-06-2020, 10:26 AM   #213
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I was starting to feel quite bad this morning. Then the CPN who isnr mine but is nice rang me to offer a service. Which upset me. And then we had a random conversation and both ended up giggling like mad. So now am ok.



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Old 11-06-2020, 10:28 AM   #214
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Glad you're okay now, I'm sorry that you had a tough morning though *hugs*. Is there anything nice you are able to do for yourself today?







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Old 11-06-2020, 10:42 AM   #215
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I've had some nice breakfast

I'm not overly sure what to do with myself now that isnt just more OCD related cleaning. I do need to hoover to finish the clean but will try to stop at that for the morning at least.

I dont even know what people do all day.



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Old 12-06-2020, 09:55 PM   #216
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^not super-convinced I know myself tbh!

Would any kind of online course interest you? Or online meetups?



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Old 15-06-2020, 11:30 AM   #217
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I feel physically like rubbish today. And I've only done 2 of the rooms cleaning. And I need to shower and go to town.

And my CPN called because she is back at work now. But I feel like too much as happened that she doesnt know about. Like how do you deal with that and get back to working together?

I'm so so exhausted. And cleaning isnt enough. I need to harm. But I cant be bothered.



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Old 16-06-2020, 12:55 AM   #218
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Are there any notes that she has access to in order to update herself regarding everything?

I am sorry you are feeling so miserable and hope you managed to not hurt yourself.

I love you <3



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Old 16-06-2020, 12:45 PM   #219
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She has access to notes and I'm sure shes read them. She just minimised stuff.

Things are very bad. Very very bad. I told crisis when they visited. Got me a blood test. But it's not coming back until tomorrow afternoon. I feel very poorly. And out of control. I dont want this. I'm trying hard not to let this happen. So so hard. But it's just getting worse.

Was offered admission which I declined due to how it is with covid. I dont think it would be at all good for me mentally.

I just cant do this. I dont want this. Urgh.



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Old 16-06-2020, 05:03 PM   #220
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Do you have specific concerns about covid and how it would impact an admission?





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