Oh no, who'd have known your key worker would be temporarily replaced by someone even more unhelpful, that's terrible luck! Do you have any strategies for cutting short phone calls that you can tell are just going to be unhelpful?
I can see how things spiral into destruction when there's a change to your routine, especially because day to day life is already massively impacted by the current situation. What do you think would be the best thing to aim for at the moment- changing your wake up time to being half an hour later, or getting yourself in the routine of getting out of bed half an hour earlier? Either would be completely acceptable I think, just wondered which feels like the better battle to fight as staying in limbo and feeling bad about it isn't helping.
I have a plan in place where I'm allowed to ask to end the phone call as long as I'm safe and I tell them that but I feel rude doing that so I've never done it.
I actually think I'm just going to let my body do what it needs. I think if I was to try and sort out my sleep for the sake of half an hour it would just be more stressful. It's not like I'm getting up late anyway and I do sometimes manage to get up at my usual time. Maybe with time my body will settle more.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I thought it was important to cut a square in my arm so I did that but then just went wild with cutting. I'll need to be doing more things for the men to make the messages clearer. That could include more head banging, setting aside time to focus on the men, rituals. I don't know if it's important to expose myself to the weather because it's not extreme right now. Things are not the same without people and not being allowed to go out. I wonder if it would be seen as an essential need to go outside looking for the entrance to the other world.
My brother is not great because he has to go to work and expose himself to risk. But then he says his life is not so great anyway that it wouldn't be such a loss. He's like me. He's worse than me.
I'm going to have to attempt suicide soon. It's pushing on my brain. It's not easy to discuss over the phone. I don't want to end up getting it wrong and needing treatment because everyone would hate me and I'd end up getting the virus.
Someone save my brother.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It's good that I self harmed. Positive. It doesn't need to be anything bigger right now because I don't know what the men want.
I can't phone anyone at all. My CPN is phoning on Tuesday, but I don't know how much she hears at times when I mention I'm suicidal. "I'm suicidal" has become a neutral phrase when it is spoken by me. If I can push past the fear that will be the hardest part over. I want to go to the train station but if I get caught loitering and I tell them why I might end up at A&E or maybe not because they are telling people just to use community support. Either that or I will end up getting fined for hanging around. There is no accessible support right now. I've just to silently go crazy at home.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
If I don't do what they want they hurt other people, make them ill or injured etc. I was reprogrammed at birth to serve them and I'm ok with that as long as I can do what they need. It's harder when the followers are screaming because that is something concrete, not a threat from the men. They are so distressed. I want to be able to cut better. I want to kill myself because my brother is so unhappy and probably mentally ill. I can't stand his pain. I am so selfish.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
At least I wouldn't be alive to have to worry about him, sorry. A lot of the time I wish he would be saved or killed.
My head and heart hurts. I don't know what to do. Everything is such a mess. I hate being without my routine support. I'm going to try and write something for my phone call with my CPN tomorrow but I don't know if I'll get a chance to say any of it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
No need to be sorry. With your head and heart, are they physical pains or emotional? Or something else? I hope you are able to say what you want to say to your CPN.
Both. I am so suicidal but feel like I can't do it so I'm trapped. I wish there was someone here for me. I'm so stupid not being able to access support over the phone. I can't live like this but I know that any future changes will just make things worse. I need out.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I believe things can be better and you deserve a better life because you are a lovely human being. Pain in the head or heart can be anxiety, do you have any skills for coping with that? Mindfulness, noticing things with all your senses, listening to music?
Things 100% can't get better. Things can change, yes, but change won't be good either. Most of my coping strategies involve talking to people. I took PRN but still needed to do some head banging. I need to go out. There are people from the other world circling my house because they want me to follow them. I really can't carry on with any sort of life.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The men tell me these things, and they have said before if I don't do X then Y (a specific person) will get injured or ill and then Y does get injured or ill.
I wrote a bit for my CPN and managed to say the important stuff which was that I held on through the night to say goodbye to her today. I'm very suicidal and I don't want to be alive for much longer. My CPN said I'm important and worthwhile and she would offer hospital normally but people are rarely being allowed an admission now. She's going to phone me every day she's working this week and she wants me to phone the the informal crisis team or Duty if I get really distressed and triggered. I know I won't do that though. She thinks I will get though this but I'm sick of getting through these massive points just to then have to face them again. It's scary how alone I am and other people are while we're having to do this social distancing. I need a person. This is all just so unbearable. Please give me the strength to get this right.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My method doesn't look like it's going to work. I can't be trapped here until I naturally die. There is no pain relief, no way to soothe myself. I don't know what the answer could be other than finding a way to get suicide right.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much right now and I know that this crisis is hitting you so hard and removing the things that helped you get through day to day. Right now I know there's isn't a huge deal that you have the power to do to improve your quality of life, but could you maybe make plans for what you'd like to do once this is over to improve your isolation? I wonder if maybe having a plan and being fuelled by the frustrations you've had in this crisis might give you that last boost you need to get more involved in things like the gym group once this is all over and that could be the start of positive changes that can make a real positive difference in making your life feel more worth living. I don't know if this is the case for you as I know you have it much worse than me, but I have mild social anxiety and for me, doing social things usually winds up being way less of a First Rate Disaster than my anxious brain anticipates so the prod to actually go to things usually works out being worth it.
With regards to the things you feel you have to do to protect people, have there been other times when you haven't done what they said and the person still didn't get hurt?
I don't know if I can even get back to normal things once all this is over. I feel like I just have to end my life. I don't really want to do anything in life and didn't before all this started. Nothing has changed.
There are times when I haven't managed to do what the men said and people still get hurt. Sometimes they don't name a specific person. It's not always about people getting hurt, the followers can be distressed a lot of the time and it's my job to soothe them. I also want to find the entrance to the other world.
I give up. I don't want to fight any more.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
